[JoeS21]

I'm having a problem and would like to hear what other people think, any advice, or anything you want to share. I'm just feeling icky acky yucky... and want to talk or vent.

I don't understand why, but when I speak with my mother, she says weird things. My reaction may be even weirder but I'll let you decide.

Weird thing #1: Today I was trying to have a discussion with her and she kept interrupting me and trying to finish my sentences. For example, I would say something like, "I think James should..." Then SHE would interrupt and say, "stop driving his car." Me, "No, that's not what I was about to say. What I was about to say was that he should do his laundry." This just kept happening over and over. Her pace is also unusual. When she does this, she speaks faster than usual like she's trying to fit it in. (No one else does this with me. I've run this by my friends and they can't see why she does it. I'm not long winded. I speak at a normal pace. I like concise communication - at least when I'm not venting.)

Weird thing #2: I told her that my neighbors had just landscaped their yard by planting 2 (normal) trees and a hedge. Her response, "That's so pretty!" She just uses the wrong words and knows better. Her wrong words are usually slightly sexual but I cannot think of any good examples of that right now, EXCEPT (just thought of this) using the word, "foxy" instead of happy in describing the behavior of a small child (yuck yuck yuck!!). She's a native white American English speaker in her 50's so I don't think this is related to age or culture. Her tone of voice is also weird and often times doesn't match anyone else's tone in a conversation.

Weird thing #3: Whenever the slightest medical issue happens with someone in the family, she exaggerates and makes it sound scary and awful, even if it's minor. (Possibly related: When I was younger she would frequently remind me that some day she would die. And this would happen out of no where. It was just something she liked to discuss with us when we were only kids.)

Then when we are finished talking, I tend to feel grossed out, sick to my stomach, disturbed, sad, my heart races (slight panic maybe), and I get a headache. I used to feel out of sorts after speaking with her and get brain fog despite being a young adult. That set of symptoms would ONLY happened after speaking with her. I went to a counselor about this and the feedback I got was that I was traumatized.

I'm bringing this up here because I want to vent or talk about it. I'm feeling lousy and it will probably make me feel better to hear what other people have to say. Does this sound familiar to you? Have you any idea what's going on (beyond what I've said)? Speculation is fine with me. I'm curious about this and probably won't be offended so feel free to say whatever is on your mind.

[vonmoxie]

I have similar troubles with my mom. Much worse as she's gotten older. In her case there seems to be an underlying belief that she's learned all she needs to in life, and should be the one talking all the time, when in reality I just think she's let herself get out of practice with absorbing complex information. I end up having to call her out on it quite a bit, in order to assist her in achieving the result of having an actual two-way conversation with me, instead of one long continuation of her train of thought, in which I am only submitting occasional half-sentences for no purpose but her amusement.

It's quite exhausting. I know how much I can handle. Three hours in person is the absolute max. Phone calls no longer than a half hour, because without visual cues it's difficult to interrupt her monologue, and becomes too mind-numbing.

But regarding your mom; you don't mention if this is a situation that's developed suddenly, or over time, or if she's always been this way. if you've been in close contact throughout, or are spending more time with her now after a period of greater separation.. but your reaction does sound like it could be the result of previous trauma, and reminds me of how when my mom says and does the things she did when I was suffering as a child, it sends me right back, to a set of feelings that have nothing to do with what's going on in the present moment.

It's weird, because they've watched us change so much. But our parents have been adults the whole time we've known them, sometimes changing very little if at all. Yet they still look at us as how we were, and we wonder why they can't evolve more, like we have.

My mom does the exaggerative thing too by the way. Bigtime. I know she's just trying to make everything more meaningful with her intensity, but I have to be careful she doesn't give me a heart attack. She has the exact same intonation in her voice about a shoe sale that she does about someone dying, and I'm an easily triggered trauma survivor, so it's not the best combination! A lot of our conversations involve me doing triage, calmly interviewing her for data points, assessing the possible existence of an emergency (that's certainly rare), while she's screaming for unknown reasons. I'm basically her personal 9-1-1 operator.

I would suggest, if the speech patterns you describe your mom as having have come on fairly suddenly, you might want to make sure she talks about it with a doctor, to make sure it's not the result of something more serious.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

I have similar troubles with my mom. Much worse as she's gotten older. In her case there seems to be an underlying belief that she's learned all she needs to in life, and should be the one talking all the time, when in reality I just think she's let herself get out of practice with absorbing complex information. I end up having to call her out on it quite a bit, in order to assist her in achieving the result of having an actual two-way conversation with me, instead of one long continuation of her train of thought, in which I am only submitting occasional half-sentences for no purpose but her amusement.

It's quite exhausting. I know how much I can handle. Three hours in person is the absolute max. Phone calls no longer than a half hour, because without visual cues it's difficult to interrupt her monologue, and becomes too mind-numbing.

But regarding your mom; you don't mention if this is a situation that's developed suddenly, or over time, or if she's always been this way. if you've been in close contact throughout, or are spending more time with her now after a period of greater separation.. but your reaction does sound like it could be the result of previous trauma, and reminds me of how when my mom says and does the things she did when I was suffering as a child, it sends me right back, to a set of feelings that have nothing to do with what's going on in the present moment.

It's weird, because they've watched us change so much. But our parents have been adults the whole time we've known them, sometimes changing very little if at all. Yet they still look at us as how we were, and we wonder why they can't evolve more, like we have.

My mom does the exaggerative thing too by the way. Bigtime. I know she's just trying to make everything more meaningful with her intensity, but I have to be careful she doesn't give me a heart attack. She has the exact same intonation in her voice about a shoe sale that she does about someone dying, and I'm an easily triggered trauma survivor, so it's not the best combination! A lot of our conversations involve me doing triage, calmly interviewing her for data points, assessing the possible existence of an emergency (that's certainly rare), while she's screaming for unknown reasons. I'm basically her personal 9-1-1 operator.

I would suggest, if the speech patterns you describe your mom as having have come on fairly suddenly, you might want to make sure she talks about it with a doctor, to make sure it's not the result of something more serious.

She's done this for as far back as I can remember. As far as using the wrong words goes, sometimes I think it's intentional and other times I think it just happens (unintentionally). I have no way of knowing for sure, but a friend of mine suggested that she might plant words in her speech to try to trigger me. For some reason she seems to get happier whenever I have a negative reaction to something she says or does. A couple different counselors told me to stay away from her and not to talk to her, but she's my mom.

[brainhi]

It will be so hard to change her.... you are aware of what she is doing...the only thing you really can do is figure out how to change your reaction to what she is doing. Figure out how to limit your time in these conversations. Maybe tell her to please let you finish your sentence (trying to finish people's sentences is is a bad habit in many people -I've been guilty of that as well). Sometimes it annoys me
when people are talking too slow - I have to constantly work on not being rude.
My brain just processes a lot faster than some others - it's not good or bad - it's the way it is - it's good to be aware of it.

[Open Eyes]

JoeS21, I agree with brainhi, you are not going to change that about your mother at this point. I can relate to how frustrating it is for you though, my husband has compulsive ADHD and dyslexia and talks over me, interupts me, cuts me off constantly and trys to finish my sentences and it really "is" upsetting and aggrivating. I had to deal with this from a sibling and my father in my childhood too, and my brain just gets extremely frustrated at times and it really "is" exhausting and I find it tends to aggrivate the PTSD challenge that I have.

I think some people have habits of talking over others, however, the ones that I have noticed really do it the most are those I have dealt with that struggle with compulsive ADHD like my husband.

Try to limit your conversations with your mother if these conversations upset you so much.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

JoeS21, I agree with brainhi, you are not going to change that about your mother at this point. I can relate to how frustrating it is for you though, my husband has compulsive ADHD and dyslexia and talks over me, interupts me, cuts me off constantly and trys to finish my sentences and it really "is" upsetting and aggrivating. I had to deal with this from a sibling and my father in my childhood too, and my brain just gets extremely frustrated at times and it really "is" exhausting and I find it tends to aggrivate the PTSD challenge that I have.

I think some people have habits of talking over others, however, the ones that I have noticed really do it the most are those I have dealt with that struggle with compulsive ADHD like my husband.

Try to limit your conversations with your mother if these conversations upset you so much.

I can relate to this. I don't think she's going to change either. When family member like your mom has a permanent habit that triggers PTSD, trauma, and other psychological issues, it's hard to know what to do with them, in my experience. I don't want to abandon her. I love her. It's just so difficult to be anywhere near her, or even on the phone with her. Sometimes one conversation can literally shut me down - so I can't function right for days.

[roseblossom]

I really feel for your situation. I can only say that for years I kept clinging on to the relationships with my mum and dad (who are divorced) and I now know that I was looking, as all children do, for their approval, love and acceptance. Finally I'm getting near to 50 (and have had over twenty years of ill health because of this) and it's taken this long for me to really accept that they are caught up in their own perceptions and beliefs and ultimately they put their needs before mine and I can't change the fact that my needs weren't met and that I've struggled greatly because of this.

What I've found helpful over the past year especially and what may work for you too - is learning about how to be assertive and also how to set boundaries - so that as an adult you assert your right to set limits on time that you are in conversation. You don't have to explain all your reasoning to your mum - a therapist explained to me that it's really important to be able to keep yourself psychologically safe with whom you disclose things to.

Also because I've wanted to try and understand more about what happened I've read material about emotional abuse and emotional neglect including manipulation and control (and C-PTSD), which you might find helps shed some light on things.

But most of all I would say that healing begins by being really kind to yourself.

[Alone & confused]

Does anyone else think this sounds just a little bit like Munchausen by proxy? It's been awhile since I've heard about this, so my memory about the criteria for this is foggy. I'm not sure if it exactly fits (if at all) but it popped into my head when I read that she seems to get excited by triggering. I could be way of base on this.

[~Christina]

If this is a NEW behavior then she really needs to be seen by her Doctor as something medically could be going on..

If this is just how she has always been , well chances are your not going to really expect her to change at this point are you ? No I think not.

I am a bit confused about there being some trauma in the past and a Therapist telling you to just "avoid her" .. If your being triggered you need to get into therapy and find out the cause of it and how to recover adn come to terms with it. . You will also learn coping skills and ways to interact with your Mother that is healthier for you and her.

There's no quick fixes in life sadly enough.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

[CosmicRose]

That's strange, I'm sorry you have to go through that. Could she possibly have any mental illnesses or disorders (just throwing this out there) like early onset alzheimers (could be why she mixes up words) or even bipolar or autistic or anything? It actually could have more to do with her age than you're giving credit to.
My mom has always been strange. She would use emotional manipulation throughout my life - I remember her often crying to me (the furthest memory I have is around age 6) about things other people had, like how much bigger her friend's house was than hers (ours). I often suspected her of being bipolar, or narcissistic, and at times even sociopathic. She was very mentally abusive and even accused my dad of being inappropriate with me which never ever happened because my dad is a saint and wouldn't do that in a million years - but her twisted ways of thinking didn't stop her from accusing him of that IN FRONT OF ME at age 12.
I too feel grossed out sometimes when I talk to her. It definitely drains my energy. She never seems to actually be there for me - whenever I tell her about my problems or ask for advice she gives me very immature advice that I would expect from someone younger than me, not older than me by 30+ years.
Anyway, I just want to say you're not alone. I guess we really can't expect parents to be what we need them to be.
I've come to realize that the people who act strange or abusive were probably abused themselves and haven't learned how to manage their feelings or interact normally with others.

[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

She's done this for as far back as I can remember. As far as using the wrong words goes, sometimes I think it's intentional and other times I think it just happens (unintentionally). I have no way of knowing for sure, but a friend of mine suggested that she might plant words in her speech to try to trigger me. For some reason she seems to get happier whenever I have a negative reaction to something she says or does. A couple different counselors told me to stay away from her and not to talk to her, but she's my mom.

I don't think she would intentionally "plant" words just to trigger you - saying "Thats so pretty" about a tree she hasn't seen that your neighbors planted just sounds like she's not using the correct words which seems more like a speech/brain problem to me. Is it possible she seems happier when you react negatively because she's trying to use her tone of voice to say sorry and lighten up the conversation whenever she hears you starting to get upset? Maybe it just seems like she's happier but she's trying to turn around the conversation. I have no idea.
One time my mom came up to me at SeaWorld when I was 17 and said "That swimsuit makes your boobs look so small!" in front of a group of other people who heard her - when I looked at her with a horrified expression on my face she laughed (what I'm assuming was out of embarrassment on her part) and practically scampered away.

[Rose76]

Do you see yourself moving out to be on your own eventually? It sounds like your mom is basically getting on your nerves. Some parents are tolerable, if we don't see them all the time. That's kind of how I felt as I got passed adolescence. Then, when I'ld return home for a visit, they'ld seem so great to be around for a couple of days. After a few days, I'ld be glad to get out of there. You may be at that point in your life, or closing in on it. There are some people that you can only love, if you don't have to live with them.

[Woman_Overboard]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

She's done this for as far back as I can remember. As far as using the wrong words goes, sometimes I think it's intentional and other times I think it just happens (unintentionally). I have no way of knowing for sure, but a friend of mine suggested that she might plant words in her speech to try to trigger me. For some reason she seems to get happier whenever I have a negative reaction to something she says or does. A couple different counselors told me to stay away from her and not to talk to her, but she's my mom.

If the relationship is toxic, it is okay to stop communicating with her (shared blood or not). But only you know what's best for you. My mom is an energy sucker (emotional vampire) too. She is also manipulative and knows where all my buttons are and how to push them. She even tried to make "finding out" (I have reason to believe she already knew) that I was molested by my father as a child about her. I barely speak to her anymore. It gets to a point that you're just drained and enough is enough. I hope things get better for you

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Does anyone else think this sounds just a little bit like Munchausen by proxy? It's been awhile since I've heard about this, so my memory about the criteria for this is foggy. I'm not sure if it exactly fits (if at all) but it popped into my head when I read that she seems to get excited by triggering. I could be way of base on this.

I think this theory has come up before. Very interesting. Thanks.