[darcy79]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help and advice. I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for 1. We have 3 kids in total 12 step daughter who has a obsessive compulsive personality disorder and is extremely difficult, a 10 year old step daughter, and a biological son 1. The ex has many problems with drugs and is in and out of jail and rehab and lierally has seen her girls 10 times in 5 years. Sad i know but it isnt because she dosent love them it is trully an illness for sure. Her and I have a great relationship and I am always honest with her about the boundaries we have set for her with the girls to protect them. We currently share a home with my Mother since I have Nephrotic (kidney) lupus and currently not working and have been a stay at home Mother for 3 years. My question is this.....my step daughter has been big issue in our relationship and gets worse with age. She is very demanding, inflexible, and minipulative. She causes fights a lot with my husband and I am has a tight hold on him. She is very good at getting him to feel bad for her and override me on punishment or telling her she cant do something. He is always correcting me in how i handle her when he dosemt handle her at all. She is very disrespectful to me and causes big rifs in the home. I feel no sence of loyalty with my husband with her to set a united front as parents together. It like she comes before me and thats not ok. We agreed i would be an active Mother since they never had one and needed one desperately. I would explain further but it would take a lomg time. Lets just say they had a lot of depression, feelings of abondonment, and had no rules or boundaries due to my husband and his family feeling "bad" for them. We fight constantly over her and it has not gotten better at all. It has made me miserable and feel as though it has consumed our lives since even the smallest task....such as ...cleaning up dinner dishes...or do your homework is met with an attitude and arument that drags on because she dosent back down. Now my mother is involved getting mad at me for all the upset, and my husband acts like nothing is happening. I am outcasted by even my own Mother and now it is even worse. After years of this and even though i , ove my husband i feel it may be time to leave. I love my 10 year old and fear i wont see her and obviously my son will stay with me, but how? I dont work and have no where to go. How can i provide for my child in a safe happy way alone? I know many have done it but i need help. I dont know where to start. I dont want to bleed him moneywise that takes away from my kids, so I am lost for ideas

thanks in advance for any advice

[curley]

Hi Darcy, I agree parents need to be united in the decision making and should not let a child tear them apart.
My best suggestion, if you want to stay with your husband and make things work would be to try family counseling. Possibly if your husband hears these ideas on how to work together for the best of the family and not just the one daughter he will get a clue!!!
Good luck to you

[SnakeCharmer]

If your nephrotic lupus can be documented for at least two years, you might qualify for social security disability or supplemental security income (depending on your past work history.) You might also qualify for other benefits that could help you support yourself. But you can get these disability payments while you're married and being supported by your husband, so looking into it and applying ASAP would be in your best interest. It is often a lengthy process to qualify and the first application may be turned down, but accepted on appeal. This would give you a modicum of financial independence and security.

Your family situation sounds highly stressful, something that is not good for a lupus patient. I have lupus, too. Kidney involved lupus can be very dangerous. Although this may sound selfish, taking care of your health is really your first priority because if you get really ill or become an invalid, you will not be able to function as the type of mother or wife you'd like to be.

Marriage counseling sounds vital. I hope your husband will agree. If you have medical insurance, it should pay for some therapy sessions. The school system may offer some counseling and special education services to your step-daughter that might help her behavior. Her teacher can tell you how to tap into these resources.

And your mother. I'm an older woman and I can put myself in your mother's shoes, imagining if my daughter, her husband and three kids were living with me. I can understand why she's getting riled up. She may be at an age when she thought she wouldn't have her daily life disrupted by the antics of a girl reaching her teen years, one who is especially difficult, with you and your husband arguing about it regularly. She could be very tired and feeling quite abused and used by the family situation. Because you're the one in the family she's closest to, you're the one she'll complain to when she's upset. Talking with your mother and finding out how you can give each other emotional support in this difficult situation is important.

I don't know if it's a good idea to stay the course or to seek a separation. It's a big move. But maybe the first place to start is by applying for social security disability for your nephrotic lupus.

Disability Planner: How You Apply

[lilypup]

One thing I will say is that your daughter sounds rather typical for her age. Mine would fight and cry and once even threatened suicide because I asked her to do the dishes. Do you give the kids any money? We deducted funds for not doing work and it helped. Just don't feel bad...even kids from biological parent homes act just this way.

[~Christina]

SnakeChamer is spot on for advice concerning your situation.

The only thing I would add is hopefully your husband will be on board for couples Therapy, I also think it would be wise for you to have a therapist of your own it can be helpful for you to learn ways to handle stress as having Lupus is exhausting and dangerous for you. It will also help along your disability claim in most cases.

Im really sorry your having such a rough time.

[Rose76]

I think you have to accept that you are not the mother of your husbands children from a previous relationship. The 12 year old does not accept you in that role. The term "step-mother" doesn't really mean all that much. I mean: it can mean a lot, if the child is open to that, but this youngster is not. Leave the "parenting" to the child's father. It's his responsibility. If he is totally failing in that, then you are in a bad spot that will probably get worse. It's already so bad that you are thinking of ending the marriage. That may be your best bet. Then you can raise your one year old in a peaceful environment, without the tensions of a child there who is disruptive.

It's not surprising that your 12 year old step-daughter has all these problems, given the background she is coming from. I'm amazed your mother is even willing to put up with all this. This is a real tough situation to sort out. There isn't any good option, just a choice between hard options. And it's probably going to just get tougher. Definitely try some counseling, if you can. But things are still going to be tough.

[CosmicRose]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through because that sounds really tough, dealing with teenagers and only being married/with your husband for 4 years.
However, you said something that kind of jumped out at me, you said "It's like she comes before me and that's not ok". She does come before you in her father's eyes and honestly that's the way it ought to be. Children always come first and its even more obvious when it comes to step parents.
But your husband is not handling it correctly, he is doing what a lot of guys would do by trying to ignore or not escalate the issues and sweep it under the rug. My dad turned a blind eye to all the horrible things my mom was doing until it was world war 3 in our household. I'm not saying all guys are like this, but a lot of them are - they don't want to rock the boat and it has to do with fear.
My mom always said "You girls always come first." Then when she started cheating and met her boyfriend she said "The man is always supposed to come before the children because you can always make more children but you will always have your husband/boyfriend." Yeah talk about being dumbstruck in love.
Anyway...if its really that bad then yes you can leave but I think there needs to be a talk between you and your husband about how you're feeling, and then there needs to be a talk with the entire family (you, him, and the girls). If things don't improve then obviously you need to do whats best for your life, even if that means leaving.
Yes you will have to begin working again - can you work and support your son with your current health?