[Nat92]

I'll skip the long intro and dive right into it. I started talking to my ex again and I know what you're all going to say and you're right, you're all right.

It's in no way healthy nor smart, but as much as I'm telling myself, as much as I'm convincing myself it's okay, that I'm over him and I'm moving on, that I can move on - I'm just lying to myself.

I always told him that I needed him and it's true, I do need him in my life. The 3 months where we didn't talk at all, I felt hollow and empty and all I could think about was him, it's normal to think about your ex after a break up, I know.

I have been moving on, I have been improving myself and working on getting better in regards to my depression and now when I'm on the other end, now when all the huge obstacles are out of the way, I don't feel like I've gained all that much, because I have no one to share this 'new-me' with.

I still love him and I so wish I could just stop and move on, just let it all go and find someone else as I'm constantly told to do.

It's so unfair... I hate it all so much and I just want to go back and undo what I did. I wish i could make him understand that it could work out, that I've changed, that my issues aren't going to stand in the way, that we could be happy.

Letting go is so hard, especially when you keep having this little voice that keeps telling you to fight again, to try one more time. It's futile though, I don't even know if he loves me. I fear he may just see me as an ex now, as something that once was, but never will be again.

I feel like Pluto, once I was a planet and now I'm just an ex-planet, a star in the furthest reaches of our solar system.

I wish I could tell him and make him see that all that was wrong could be fixed.

I hate this helplessness, this terrible place I'm finding myself in. Live without him and feel hollow or at least be friends and feel somewhat okay or fight and maybe/maybe not win...

I don't know what to do, I'm so lost and in so much pain...

I feel happy when we talk, happier than I've been in months, but when I go to bed at night, I cry, because I know I'm just a friend, just someone he talks to when he has time, someone he used to think about every day and now doesn't...

I do want him to be happy, I really do but.. I just wish it could be with me...

I could've fixed it all, I wanted to, I just needed a bit more time and it would've been okay.

Stupid love...

[Alone & confused]

Well, if the break up was due to these "issues" of yours that you've been working through, & not because he was a jerk or a bad person or something like that, and if you're "in a better place" now, maybe it was just bad timing before & it might work this time. Sometimes the conditions are just not ideal at the we fall for someone, but then things change, & we're better equipped to be in a relationship. Could that be the case with you?

[Nat92]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Well, if the break up was due to these "issues" of yours that you've been working through, & not because he was a jerk or a bad person or something like that, and if you're "in a better place" now, maybe it was just bad timing before & it might work this time. Sometimes the conditions are just not ideal at the we fall for someone, but then things change, & we're better equipped to be in a relationship. Could that be the case with you?

That's exactly it. He said he was tired of the petty fights, the constant drama that surrounded me, I wore him down because of my depression. There was a lot of family related stress too but everything is fine now in that department.

I just don't know what I can do to make him see that it's all over now, the depression, the stress, the drama...

[Alone & confused]

Is there anyway to be around him in some sort of social gathering (one where he can see you happy & interacting with others, but not "with him as a couple"?) So he can see for himself the changes without feeling he's being "played" to try to get him back? You know, kinda flaunt yourself around just a little so he knows it's for real & you're not just playing games or anything. He may not believe your "words", but if he sees it for himself it may make a difference.

[lilypup]

What has changed about your depression? Are you on meds now? Let him know what exactly has changed so there will be limited drama from now on. Good luck!

[~Christina]

You said "your lost and in pain " Its ok to mourn the loss of a relationship of course its natural. Working on your self so you feel better and are making better life choices are the best way to move forward with your life ..

Maybe he will be back in it or maybe he wont.. The point I am making is the best thing you can do for yourself is just keep working on yourself to become the healthiest emotionally and mentally that you can be.

Dont get stuck putting all your hope and love on getting back with him.

Take care

[Nat92]

Thank you all and yes, I know and it's what I'm trying to do. It just sucks it has to be this way.

I was on medication for a while, but I'm not anymore and I'm deemed "cured" - I just think I'm still adjusting to this new-me.

[NWgirl2013]

Perhaps you can use this as a lesson in self discovery and self control? And it can inform your future .... and future relationships.

I believe we are all called to govern ourselves & control what we put out there. This may be the lesson here for you. Now you are getting yourself into a better place, getting acquainted with a better you; that is a good thing and something to be proud of. Well done, you.

He may end up wanting to explore this new you, but don't put all your eggs in that basket, it will limit your growth and that growth is the exciting part of your posts.

Break ups still suck though. Everyday will get a little better, and I hope you have a brilliant day today!

[Nat92]

As much as I want to believe there's any such thing as "future relationships" for me, I can't because it's not me and will never be.

I'm not limiting myself nor closing down for future business, if you understand. It's just, I don't really believe in society's way of seeing love and what it means. I understand why many decide to search for new partners and move on like that, it's natural to them and the majority of society, but it's just not to me.

Yeah, I may be 21 and young and yeah I do have my entire life ahead of me, but I still only had one heart to give and I gave it all away at once.

As of just last weekend, a very nice guy tried to flirt with me and I didn't feel anything, he was really good looking and he seemed so kind and warm, but there's just nothing left for me to give. We did have a great conversation and we talked openly about our past relationships.

I do have a lot to learn and perhaps you're right, this was a lesson for me, but it came at a huge cost and I just wish I could change it. I'm not the same girl anymore, I don't suffer the way I used to, I don't close up as I used to. I'm way more open and I've learned to love myself and appreciate who I am.

But there's nothing more that I want than to have him back...

[NWgirl2013]

(((((((Nat92)))))) many warm hugs to you