[dumblelydore]

I've had suicidal thoughts for a large portion of my life but recently it's been getting worse. Due to recent events, I really hate myself and I can't shake this feeling of hopelessness.

I told my boyfriend this last night and he got really angry at me and called me a coward and pathetic. I get where he's coming from and I realise now that I can't kill myself because it's selfish and would hurt my mom. But now I can't stop feeling completely worthless and depressed.

How do I get rid of this feeling? I feel so alone, but I'm scared if I tell any of my other friends they'll react the same way and end up hating me.

Also, he said he was once depressed and his best friends started getting angry and shouting at him too and he got better. So now he's doing the same to me. Why isn't it working?

I'm also really confused because he said I need to look within myself and ask myself the hard questions in life. But I don't know what that means and he won't tell me. What do I do?

Also, should I try and get him to stop hating me and apologise to him? I feel like he's the only person I really trust to tell all this to but at the same time I don't know if he still cares..​


UPDATE: today I had a talk with him and he wanted to break up because I was a coward, emotionally unstable, weak and unreliable to him. He said I was holding him back from his career in comic books but he still loves me and that we should break up to make ourselves better people.

What does this all mean? And what should I do?

[Travelinglady]

Hi, dumblydore, and welcome to Psych Central! The first thing I suggest you do is make an appointment with a therapist and start getting professional help.

Obviously your boyfriend doesn't truly understand depression. I know it will be hard, but I also suggest you accept his desire to break up with you. He is making things worse. As you get healthier, then you can meet someone who will be willing to be understanding and more caring. I am not sure what he means about making you "better people."

We are always here for you, too. Have you checked out our depression offerings? We have a forum, at least one social group, and a chat time for people who are depressed.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Dumblelydore,
From the beginning.......you are not a coward, you are not pathetic
And weak.........well some of the strongest people can suffer from depression, not only before it hits but during as well..........sometimes it can take so much strength to battle the depression to do really simple day-to-day things, right?? Things you'd do otherwise without the blink of an eye, yes??
And for you you to open up and tell him about it..........that takes strength in itself, OK??
And I'm really sorry you got the response you did from him.
If someone shouting and getting angry at him cured his depression, IMO it's highly unlikely that he was suffering from depression and it sounds as if he really doesn't understand/want to understand what it's actually like.
So I'd say that now is the time to focus on you, on making it through the way you're feeling, which is probably going to be a lot easier without him. I know the breakup probably hurts a lot right now but you need to put yourself first.
And please don't let his response put you off telling other people about how things are for you, there will be much more understanding people out there. And maybe there's someone in your life that you think might be understanding??? That you might be able to talk to just a little, for starters??
And some professional help?? Do you think that you could get some (more?) professional help?? Again that does not make you weak to need help. Depression can be so overwhelming, so all the help you can get with it, right? You deserve that!!!
And of course we can be here for you too
So welcome to PC!!! And if you want to talk some more............
Alison

[lilypup]

Yep, therapy and a pdoc for you and a new boyfriend when you are feeling better. Never accept someone repeatedly yelling at you. It will just make you worse.
Hugs to you.

[hamster-bamster]

He sounds like a very unpleasant and overly confident person. Clearly you are better off without him.

[ChipperMonkey]

He is completely UNsympathetic! I say lose the loser boyfriend. It will be the best thing you've ever done. You are not a coward, you are not weak! He just doesn't get it and chances are, he never will. Believe me, once you find a guy who is caring and supportive and doesn't hold your disorder against you, you'll wonder why you ever wasted a single minute on that jerk!

[Lemon Curd]

He sounds like he doesn't get depression at all! It's like getting yelled at, because you found out you have cancer. If he truly cared & loved you, he would stay & support you. Be glad you found out sooner than later, that when things get rough, he wants out. He'd like you to be there for him & his career, but he clearly doesn't know how to reciprocate when you need him the most. He sounds very selfish to me! *big warm hug* Get help, as soon as possible sweetheart!