[AngstyLady]

Ok, so I know if you have to ask, you usually are . .. but here's what happened . .
I gt off work and called my bf to see what time he was working and he said he had a friend over at our place and I instantly felt violated. I told him to always tell me before people come over. I thunk I need to re-explain to him. He has his issues he's working on, and for me, this is a big deal. It's not just that the place wasn't picked up the way I like it, it's the fact that for over 8 years this has been my sanctuary and just letting anyone in feels like a violation. Having a stranger see my bedroom, the bed sheets a mess no less is like having them see me naked. It's really upsetting.
Not only that, but it makes me think of all the other things that my bf keeps saying he's working on- I'm the one to ALWAYS vacuum and do the dishes and clean up around the place. I hate that it's like pulling teeth with him- I don't want to be a nag but come on! Not too mention the extra stuff of his that STILL doesn't fit anywhere that's just sitting in boxes around the place like a ****ing storage unit. (My moms' offered to help out but I've declined)
He can't even do his own ****ing laundry before it's overflowing two hampers. I've done it for him in the past because it's obnoxious (I hate feeling cramped) and it takes up extra space in our little apartment. I regularly put away his clean clothes for him because I can't stand that he lets it sit around for over 3 days in his hamper- he'd probably just let it sit there and pick clean clothes out of it instead of even putting it away)Maybe it's the OCD my mom blessed me with () kicking in, but I was taught to take pride in your home and your personal space. Clean space, clean mind and good energy (like a feng shui sorta mindset). It's true, when the place is clean and fresh and organised, there's always a better vibe. I used to be more messy but have changed my ways. I can't stand to let things slide so much- I remind him to help me pick up and I let things slide for several days at a time to see if he'll do it and to no avail, I can't let things get beyond dirty to the point of being gross! Ugh! So frustrated!

.............Oh, not to mention the bag of empty milk bottles he's collected and been meaning to take to the store to return for like $3 each its whole unpasturized milk) that he's had here for just about a month now sitting to the side on the kitchen floor!

[Rose76]

You sound like someone who would be happier living alone. Either the apartment is your private sanctuary, or it's home to both your boyfriend and you. Pick one.

Don't think I'm being harsh or unsympathetic. You'ld be surprised at how much we have in common. I have a boyfriend of 30 years. We went back and forth between living together and living separately multiple times. We shared 3 apartments. We lived back to back in a duplex. And we have lived separately. I'm happiest (and he is too) with us living separately, so now we each have our own apartments that are 5 miles apart. That's been the arrangement for the past 7 years, and it's working . . . more or less.

I'm a person who likes things my own way, and I own that. Sounds like you are too. My boyfriend, like yours, is very different from me in his habits, and that annoyed the heck out of me when we lived together. One thing life has taught me is that people don't change much.

Another option might be for you two to eventually get a someone bigger space to live in where you can have a room of your own that is off limits to him and his guests. I tried that, and it kind of worked for a while.

The rule you have about him always telling you before he brings anyone over is a rule that is appropriate for a child, but not for an adult with whom you are cohabiting. Even a child should be able to come home with a friend unexpectedly now and then. It sounds like you regard the apartment as your home, and he is a guest that you are allowing to stay with you, but it is not his home. Do you think that is a realistic arrangement between two people in love dwelling together?

I hear your pain. When I am at my boyfriend's house, I have my own sugar bowl there that I warn him never to touch. He gets coffee granules into his sugar bowl, and I can't stand that. Even as a child, my family of origin used to tell me that I was a pain in the ***, always insisting on having things my way. "Won't we be glad when she moves out to a place of her own!" my mother used to say to the rest of the family. Eventually I did, and it was blissful for me to have my own inviolable space. But you only really have that when you live alone, so I do. You might want to seriously consider that.

[AngstyLady]

I see what you're saying. But the thing is, I'm not a difficult person at all. I am always accomodating. I used to be a doormat. Growing up I always went with what my brothers wanted to watch- I ended up watching tv in a ser=parate room from time to time- I guess it's just that I've become like this from basically living by myself for nearly ten years. Though I have lived with boyfriends in the past, but they were much neater. . . . . . But I also never felt for anyone like I do for my current boyfriend- so I feel very conflicted. I don't want to be a *****, but I also don't want to be the one always to do the grunt work. As for the cohabitation- I understand. I guess I'm a bit touchy- I've been through things that have changed me (I'd rather not talk about it) and it's made me a bit more sensitive to my space- especially to the idea of someone I don't know coming in and looking around my home, especially my bedroom. I'm not as upset as I was- I very much downplayed my annoyance when I spoke to my boyfriend earlier too because I realized that my feelings might be a bit of an overreaction . . . I guess I'll have to get past this . ..

[hamster-bamster]

I think that there are two unrelated issues.

The first issue has been covered by Rose as completely as it can be covered.

The other issue was lurking (for me) in the OP. The way you described how you reacted to the guest ... it did not sound like neatness, OCD, controlling or anything like this. It somehow sounded like PTSD to me.

And then in your subsequent post you said that you were changed by something that you do not want to talk about, and I remembered how I thought of PTSD.

It is understandable that you do not want to talk about painful memories, but for yourself, you might want to try making a connection between those events and your current state.

[hvert]

I do the same thing, freak out if my boyfriend invites someone to come into the house without picking it up first (ha) or letting me know so I can clean. I don't like people coming into my house in general and I hate when they come in just on the spur of the moment. My house is always trashed.

I really think this is something wrong with ME that I feel like this and it is not fair to treat my boyfriend this way or to hold him to these standards that I have and he doesn't--- so if you figure out how to stop feeling like this, let me know

[Rose76]

Wanting your bedroom to be private is reasonable. The door to that room should be closed when guests are in the house. (Unless people have to go through the bedroom to get to the bathroom.)

Also, he really should help more with chores. You may have to just lean on him harder over this. It gets tedious to have to constantly nag someone, but sometimes it works.

[hamster-bamster]

e-nagging?

What online calendars do you use, AL+hvert?

[persevere]

Originally Posted by AngstyLady

Ok, so I know if you have to ask, you usually are . .. but here's what happened . .
I gt off work and called my bf to see what time he was working and he said he had a friend over at our place and I instantly felt violated. I told him to always tell me before people come over. I thunk I need to re-explain to him. He has his issues he's working on, and for me, this is a big deal. It's not just that the place wasn't picked up the way I like it, it's the fact that for over 8 years this has been my sanctuary and just letting anyone in feels like a violation. Having a stranger see my bedroom, the bed sheets a mess no less is like having them see me naked. It's really upsetting.
Not only that, but it makes me think of all the other things that my bf keeps saying he's working on- I'm the one to ALWAYS vacuum and do the dishes and clean up around the place. I hate that it's like pulling teeth with him- I don't want to be a nag but come on! Not too mention the extra stuff of his that STILL doesn't fit anywhere that's just sitting in boxes around the place like a ****ing storage unit. (My moms' offered to help out but I've declined)
He can't even do his own ****ing laundry before it's overflowing two hampers. I've done it for him in the past because it's obnoxious (I hate feeling cramped) and it takes up extra space in our little apartment. I regularly put away his clean clothes for him because I can't stand that he lets it sit around for over 3 days in his hamper- he'd probably just let it sit there and pick clean clothes out of it instead of even putting it away)Maybe it's the OCD my mom blessed me with () kicking in, but I was taught to take pride in your home and your personal space. Clean space, clean mind and good energy (like a feng shui sorta mindset). It's true, when the place is clean and fresh and organised, there's always a better vibe. I used to be more messy but have changed my ways. I can't stand to let things slide so much- I remind him to help me pick up and I let things slide for several days at a time to see if he'll do it and to no avail, I can't let things get beyond dirty to the point of being gross! Ugh! So frustrated!

.............Oh, not to mention the bag of empty milk bottles he's collected and been meaning to take to the store to return for like $3 each its whole unpasturized milk) that he's had here for just about a month now sitting to the side on the kitchen floor!

How long have you lived together?

Some people have "open doors" so to speak where people can drop in any time and others are more "private" where they prefer things to be planned.

Neither is wrong it's just individual preferences.

The important thing is communicating those preferences and setting boundaries.

If you and your boyfriend are opposites in that kind of situation, you will have to agree to compromise with each other.

I think him letting you know ahead of time someone is coming over may be an acceptable compromise to you.

I can understand why you felt upset since that is your private space.

[hvert]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

e-nagging?

What online calendars do you use, AL+hvert?

I use Outlook sometimes synchronized with Google -- but I turn off the reminder feature unless it's something super important because I can't stand something coming up on my screen when I am trying to concentrate on something else.

No matter how clean my house is, I still feel that way about people coming over. When I was a kid, my parents were sort of like this - we had to hide if someone knocked at the door, in case it was a bill collector or the house was messy.