[Phaethe]

My husband and I have been married 10 years and have 4 young children. He is active duty military and currently deployed and away from home. We have had many different conversations that led up to his wanting a divorce and not being in love with me. We still spoke daily , and without fighting . Last night I discovered the reason for his sudden wish for a divorce. I had said no to other women. That I didn't want to have other women in our life. With that hard limit he was willing to leave me and my kids to attain this. Do we mean that little to him? Trying to understand this is tearing me apart.he says there currently isn't anyone. He says that he is still attracted to me but that by me setting that limit it was the end. I am trying to get him into therapy with me. We are also exploring the D/s lifestyle but I feel that his "friends" who are in it are effecting his choices and possibly contributing to the fall of our marriage

[hvert]

Most people say no to more than one woman/man when they get married. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's okay to set a limit like that and probably a good idea to get out of that D/s lifestyle exploration for now. Even if he doesn't agree to therapy, I hope you can go on your own to sort through your feelings about this.

[Trippin2.0]

Your husband seems surprized that marriage means no other women, so surprized that its a deal breaker for him

Did you guys agree to an open marriage of sorts and you've since had a change of heart?

I hope you guys are able to find a solution soon.

Ps. If it were me, I would definitely put the D/S stuff on hold till this is sorted, wouldn't want him using his position to influence your decisions on this matter.

[lilypup]

Yeah,I think I know what d/s is but I am pretty old. Anyway, who says a lack of other women in the marriage is a deal breaker? This man? has four young children. I'm really sorry for you and your kids. Try to get into therapy...you may need to make some fast decisions soon.

[~Christina]

Unless you agreed to an open marriage then its boils down to cheating and that is not acceptable to you.. Regardless if hes friends are a part of this doesnt much matter "he" told you.

You may want to speak with an attorney and find out your legal/financial issues/child support and visitation etc if you do wind up divorcing.

Take care

[Puglife]

He should have realized this before having 4 kids. I'm sorry your in this situation. Do not sacrifice your boundaries in order to hang on to him.

[Phaethe]

Thank you all for your comments.. it wasn't an open marriage infact no concerns were ever breached until a few weeks ago when we started talking and from then it just took off and has been spiraling out of control ... we go from one extreme to the other and my heart, head and health is all over the place..he is visiting beginning of next month.. my heart whats to jump out at him.. but the possibility of a mid life crisis tells me to step back give him air and let him work through his current issues.. and in the middle of all this, I'm living with the kids in his parents house while we await military housing.. trying to maintain control, and a happy demeanor ....infront of his family and the kids.. I'm waiting for therapy approval.. this is tearing me apart...

[hvert]

Oh wow, I can't imagine how stressful that is, to be living with his parents while this whole thing is going on.

I hope he can work through whatever is going on and go back to a normal marriage, assuming that's what you want. It's okay to want that, even if he wants something different. I hope your therapy request comes through soon.

[hvert]

Also, I am not sure if it makes sense for your situation at all, but maybe an anonymous call to a domestic violence hotline would help you find therapy sooner -- sometimes that d/s scene turns into a weird sort of emotional/mental manipulation. It sort of sounds like he is trying to make you doubt yourself when you say no to other women - I'm sorry if I am reading more into that than there is.

[healingme4me]

Yeah putting sexual exploration with him on hold sounds like a good idea. D/s and open marriages are apples and oranges.

[Phaethe]

Update : he is home visiting , we have been doing well great day and getting closer. This has happened a few times during our struggle . Somehow he changes his mind and rethinks everything we have discussed . Saying such things as "I'm afraid of falling again" and "im afraid of giving you hope and having to push you away" ... I don't undrstand how all can be going so well then 2 hrs later it's all wrong again... feeling so lost and confused

[IceCreamKid]

It sounds to me like he is telling you he wants to have his cake and eat it too. In other words, he isn't promising to be faithful, quite the opposite. He's saying he likely will pursue other women in the future.

I wouldn't keep this from his parents. I'd be matter of fact about it. That he wants to have sex outside the marriage and he is interested in dom/sub relationships--I assume he wants to be dom?

For me this would not be a marriage. It would be saddled with a horny boy who never grew up, and who feels no reason to do so.

I suggest you start looking into making a life for you and your children that includes learning what healthy self-respect is. Counseling for yourself is a good start.