[mikeymike]

Don't know any more what I/we need. Guess I'll introduce myself. I am a 72-yo male married for 49 years to the same gal. She is 69 and a Type I brittle diabetic. We are both "depressives"; she's in treatment, and I stopped treatment 3-4 years ago.

The main problem is that we don't communicate any more, and intimacy (which I still want) has ceased for years. I am in mourning, as diabetes has robbed me of a wife, and rendered me a "caregiver" rather than a "lover." She has undergone personality changes due to the many bouts of hypoglycemia brought on by her insulin therapy, and basically shuts me out of her life. My concerns for her well-being often cause her to become combative and abusive to me as she says I'm "badgering" her about her diet, her blood sugar testing, and her insulin therapy. As an example of why she's "difficult," every doctor treating her (and there are 5 or 6) ordered her to quit smoking, but she refuses to even cut down on her pack a day habit.

By the way, I scored 127 on the "crazy" test, and she refuses to take it. I'm far from a perfect husband, but I feel trapped. She has no real option if I weren't in the picture, as she would need a caregiver since she can't drive any more and we live on a small farm that she wouldn't be able to take care of by herself. As for how I cope, I've taken to on-line chat rooms and pornography (she knows, and looks the other way). A really bad situation, and I really don't know if I'm feeling more sorry for myself than her over the scourge of diabetes that has ruined both our lives. My depression, however, is real and seems pretty much a result of the situation we're both in.

[hamster-bamster]

a geriatric psychiatrist for both

[hamster-bamster]

PLUS:

- ecigs for her (as a bystander, I simply love the aroma that coffee-flavored ecigs emit... heaven)

- you write one story per week about your happy days together, in distant past; present your stories to her - it would be a welcome change from what she dubbed your "badgering"

- you remove guilt+remorse from your usage of chat rooms and porn. You are free to feel sadness, emptiness, or what not, but you are not to feel guilty. Deal?

[SmileHere]

I think psychiatrists just mainly prescribe meds, at least where I live, maybe a psychiatrist who is also a therapist/counsellor, or marriage counsellor.

Depression and some antidepressants can cause a lack of desire as well. (You can google 'antidepressants lack of sex drive' and her meds for side effects.)

Has she ever responded positively or with positive behaviour change to the 'badgering'? Or does she go her own way anyway?
I'd suggest stop the badgering and start telling her what you like about her, or what you liked when you first met her etc.
Communication can improve. I recommend reading 'Five languages of love' - for you, touch is important, for her, maybe some other things.

Do you guys have kids or grandkids? Things worth living for (for her, especially, and for you)?

Ecigs aren't completely harmless either, haven't fully researched this yet though.

[mikeymike]

All good suggestions; yes we have adult married children. In fact, we will be having company this week when my son's family, including our 6-yo grandson, pay us a visit.

I will restrain myself from commenting on my wife's behaviors during the visit. I promised myself to not do so, but it would not surprise me if my son and daughter-in-law say something to her, especailly about the smoking. I dare not let on to them that there are intimacy issues.

[hamster-bamster]

Can you call or write the son and DIL asking them to refrain from mentioning her smoking?

Incremental harm reduction is worth it, btw - ecigs need not be completely harmless to be an attractive option for her. As long as there is less harm, it would be a welcome change. My dad, btw, had a wake-up call that led him to switch to ecigs after decades of chain-smoking, and that wake-up call was the diagnosis of diabetes type II.

[hamster-bamster]

I think that whomever you choose to engage - a psychiatrist, a marriage counselor, etc. - needs to have a geriatric specialty. there are many issues unique to the old age, and the constellation of her issues - diabetes, smoking, resistance to change, shutting you off, making you a caregiver and not a lover - is mostly specific to old age.