I've been google stalking my ex. (I'm not really sure why. I think maybe I was hoping to find some sign that I actually meant something to him. I'm a fool. I know.)

So, I find his 'secret' porn account. (Who creates a porn account and uses their gamer tag? Really? I know he gets a liking for words and tends to use them repetitively but **** me that's a level of stupidity I didn't think him capable of.) (I must add he should be thankful I want closure rather than revenge, a link to this sent to the right people would humiliate him.) (I can't say that hasn't crossed my mind though.)

There is one thing that has bothered me the most about our relationship. I would be considered commitment-phobic, I do not attach easily and so I have had trouble understanding how he got under my skin so easily. Especially when I distinctly remember being uncomfortable with his initial clinginess.

Listening to his interactions with another member of this site he is on (once I got past my initial crazed reaction that seeped through 5 band aids.) (Rock bottom, perhaps?) I noted the similarities in how he 'courts'.

He moves fast. So fast that you don't realize he's serious until it's too late. It simply doesn't occur to the average person that someone could be that in deep at that speed and so you dismiss it. It's just some random cutsie joke that you go along with. "Oh ha ha, yes I luffs you too."- until it backfires. "But you said you love me!"

Next he plays the sympathy card. All his exes have cheated on him, he doesn't know where he would be with out you. He clings and you feel sorry for him. You want to love him. To make him feel better. (I imagine I shall be a great story for this- "OMG, my crazy ex that totally abused me!")

Before you know it, you've fallen. You're in deep. That's when he whips it around.

He starts drawing away, all those sweet little things he used to do are no more. He barely speaks to you where he used to obsessively message you.

You can't figure out what you've done wrong. It must be you. He used to be nice so now you're the one clinging. The one doing the chasing. The more he pulls away the more effort you put in.

Realizing this now has been a big wake up call for me. I've spent so long blaming myself for my stupidity. For ignoring the warning signs. For being so pathetically needy

But now I know. Now I understand that what he did to me was a tried and tested technique. I wasn't the first and I was never going to be the last.

It wasn't my fault.

This begs the question though. If you have an abusive ex are you obligated to tell the new partner?

I don't think it would be a good idea. I know if someone had told me that when I first met him (and he was so perfect) I would never have believed them.

No doubt it would just end up being more fodder for the crazy ex story.

At least though, I feel a little calmer and the need to stalk him is now at a manageable, less obsessive level. Maybe I've finally found my closure.

But when I start crying and moaning about him like a little itchB in the next two weeks someone point me to this thread. lol

[(JD)]

It's tough to be taken for a ride. It's tougher to admit it and get over yourself.

Been there, done that.

STOP stalking him. What part of it's over and he's a louse don't you understand?

Tough love... sorry...

You're so hung up on his errors and personality issues you are ignoring your own needs.

Fill your time with other things and do thought stopping anytime he enters your mind.

[kaliope]

im glad you were finally able to find closure so you can move on.

Originally Posted by (JD)

It's tough to be taken for a ride. It's tougher to admit it and get over yourself.

Been there, done that.

STOP stalking him. What part of it's over and he's a louse don't you understand?

Tough love... sorry...

You're so hung up on his errors and personality issues you are ignoring your own needs.

Fill your time with other things and do thought stopping anytime he enters your mind.

I think I've had the most difficulty with he was nice and then he wasn't. I still have traces of I must have done something to make him that way in my system but I think I have it under control now lol

Thank you. Sometimes I think a good yelling at is exactly what I need.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Well done. Loved this thread. I'm sure he didn't deserve you anyway!

...oh, and if it's any consolation, I've done the same thing. ¬_¬ I mean, as you. Not proud of it, but hey ho. What can I say, when you cared about someone THAT much, it's hard to just switch it off.

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

Well done. Loved this thread. I'm sure he didn't deserve you anyway!

...oh, and if it's any consolation, I've done the same thing. ¬_¬ I mean, as you. Not proud of it, but hey ho. What can I say, when you cared about someone THAT much, it's hard to just switch it off.

Thanks, I know it's creepy and weird and messed up but like you said when you cared that much... Especially when you come to realize you probably meant nothing to them... You keep hoping that maybe, maybe it's not true.

[NYgirl21]

Been there, done that- and it sounds just like my ex... we will all have weak moments of internet stalking, but seriously promise yourself no more. I had to delete my FB and SWEAR to myself that I would never search him or anything to do with him ever again because we can say we don't care, but once we find or see something that gets our stomach in knots- it's all over and those emotions come rushing back. Out of sight, out of mind- it really works. Make it a habit not to, and to try to remove any thoughts of him (slowly, because healthy healing process involves dealing with and feeling your feelings and emotions). I like the quote, "Act on knowledge, not feelings; feeling will follow your actions." Basically, try to forget those "feelings" you had for them, own them and know they were real and true, but just remember the knowledge you have of who he really is and the not so good things he did to you, once you start doing that, and acting on the knowldege you have versus the feelings you HAD, your feelings will match...if that makes sense!

I swear, you could be talking about my ex if it makes you feel any better... these types of people lack the ability to have a real, true, emotional bond or connection with people. It is sad and unfortunate for them, so start by feeling sorry that he will never feel the love you felt, and he probably will never know what that feeling is. It is hard for us because we really loved them, and it seems as though we meant nothing to them. Nobody means anything to these types of people, they look at others as an extension of themselves and when you don't serve a purpose for them anymore, or don't act as they would, we are cut off... they sweep in fast so that we miss the red flags that are right in front of us, its how they roll. Sweep us off our feet before we can let our instintcs and intuitions tell us to run the other way, then before we know it we are in love. We are in love with them, but they are in love with the first feelings of being in love, an ego boost, in love with filling the void that exists within themselves. Always remember if someone treats you poorly or not in a way that is respectful it is not a reflection of you but a reflection of THEIR CHARACTER, they are flawed. You did nothing wrong The only thing we need to do is make sure our radars are on and we are listening to our instintcs. I am sure it was the same with you as it was with me, but my gut was screaming at me to run, something didn't add up and was unsettling but I brushed it aside because he was a prince charming. Speeding through the dating and discovery phase of getting to know one another is a huge red flag. Hugs!

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

This begs the question though. If you have an abusive ex are you obligated to tell the new partner?

Only if the abuse rose to the level of serious criminal behavior. Even then, I think it would only be a true obligation, if you knew that he uses contact with people whom he dates to get access to children he criminally abuses. If the abuse he meted out to me didn't rise to the seriousness of something I would file a police report about, then I would tend to think I should just mind my own business.

I might tell the new partner about behaviors like the following: He broke my jaw. or He stole my identity info and then wiped out my bank accounts.

That's an interesting question you raise.

It doesn't sound like this guy is a true predator in any criminal sense. If that is the case, then your main concern now is extricating yourself emotionally from this relationship. To a certain degree, only time will do that. I think you can help by telling yourself that how he interacts with his current girlfriend is really not your concern. It's only human to be curious. Indulging that curiosity in a small way is no big deal, but that should taper off as time goes by. Otherwise, you are letting the past contaminate the future.

I hope it gets easier for you.

Originally Posted by NYgirl21

Been there, done that- and it sounds just like my ex... we will all have weak moments of internet stalking, but seriously promise yourself no more. I had to delete my FB and SWEAR to myself that I would never search him or anything to do with him ever again because we can say we don't care, but once we find or see something that gets our stomach in knots- it's all over and those emotions come rushing back. Out of sight, out of mind- it really works. Make it a habit not to, and to try to remove any thoughts of him (slowly, because healthy healing process involves dealing with and feeling your feelings and emotions). I like the quote, "Act on knowledge, not feelings; feeling will follow your actions." Basically, try to forget those "feelings" you had for them, own them and know they were real and true, but just remember the knowledge you have of who he really is and the not so good things he did to you, once you start doing that, and acting on the knowldege you have versus the feelings you HAD, your feelings will match...if that makes sense!

I swear, you could be talking about my ex if it makes you feel any better... these types of people lack the ability to have a real, true, emotional bond or connection with people. It is sad and unfortunate for them, so start by feeling sorry that he will never feel the love you felt, and he probably will never know what that feeling is. It is hard for us because we really loved them, and it seems as though we meant nothing to them. Nobody means anything to these types of people, they look at others as an extension of themselves and when you don't serve a purpose for them anymore, or don't act as they would, we are cut off... they sweep in fast so that we miss the red flags that are right in front of us, its how they roll. Sweep us off our feet before we can let our instintcs and intuitions tell us to run the other way, then before we know it we are in love. We are in love with them, but they are in love with the first feelings of being in love, an ego boost, in love with filling the void that exists within themselves. Always remember if someone treats you poorly or not in a way that is respectful it is not a reflection of you but a reflection of THEIR CHARACTER, they are flawed. You did nothing wrong The only thing we need to do is make sure our radars are on and we are listening to our instintcs. I am sure it was the same with you as it was with me, but my gut was screaming at me to run, something didn't add up and was unsettling but I brushed it aside because he was a prince charming. Speeding through the dating and discovery phase of getting to know one another is a huge red flag. Hugs!

Oh boy did I ignore the warning signs. I thought it was me though. That I was just being stand offish and crazy not that he was being clingy and weird. Something he used to great advantage. (No I didn't say that you're just being crazy. That isn't what I meant your crazy *** just misinterpreted it.)

I fully understand my own part in this but up until now I've been shouldering all the blame. It was my fault for ignoring the warning signs. It was my fault for being so easy to manipulate.

Now I understand that he had a a foolproof plan for breaking through my defenses, it wasn't entirely my own stupidity.

Pity is a dangerous place for me though. If I feel sorry for him I start to feel guilty for abandoning him. For not helping him. I think I may hide behind my anger a little longer.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Only if the abuse rose to the level of serious criminal behavior. Even then, I think it would only be a true obligation, if you knew that he uses contact with people whom he dates to get access to children he criminally abuses. If the abuse he meted out to me didn't rise to the seriousness of something I would file a police report about, then I would tend to think I should just mind my own business.

I might tell the new partner about behaviors like the following: He broke my jaw. or He stole my identity info and then wiped out my bank accounts.

That's an interesting question you raise.

It doesn't sound like this guy is a true predator in any criminal sense. If that is the case, then your main concern now is extricating yourself emotionally from this relationship. To a certain degree, only time will do that. I think you can help by telling yourself that how he interacts with his current girlfriend is really not your concern. It's only human to be curious. Indulging that curiosity in a small way is no big deal, but that should taper off as time goes by. Otherwise, you are letting the past contaminate the future.

I hope it gets easier for you.

Not in a criminal sense but if you aren't in therapy when you meet him you will be by the time he's done with you. Of course emotional abuse is that much harder to prove. A therapist who says you show signs of narcissistic abuse does not hold the weight of a police report. *Sigh*

Sometimes I think I got off easy because I was already disordered I already knew what crazy was and so didn't have so far to fall. Heh, maybe my narcissistic traits cancelled out some of his lol

I have now successfully gone 3 days without being creepy. Yay!

It's harder than I thought it would be though.

I can't believe he got to me this badly. I feel so weak.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

Not in a criminal sense but if you aren't in therapy when you meet him you will be by the time he's done with you. Of course emotional abuse is that much harder to prove. A therapist who says you show signs of narcissistic abuse does not hold the weight of a police report. *Sigh*

Who do you have to "prove" anything to? It almost sounds like you wish there were a way you could get the law on him for emotional abuse.

It's not against the law for adults to be mean to other adults or to play cruel head games. I mean . . . there are laws against things like slander and libel. Mental cruelty did used to be a basis on which to sue for divorce. But, basically, if you're in a relationship with someone who treats you badly, then the remedy is to get out of the relationship. Will you be left with some emotional damage even after getting out? Possibly so. But it's basically something you have to chalk up as a learning experience.

Not every woman in the world would be susceptible to the charms of this guy. He probably chooses his targets carefully. You are free to go and warn anyone you like about him. Some might be glad of the warning. Some will have to experience it for themselves, before they know what you are talking about.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Who do you have to "prove" anything to? It almost sounds like you wish there were a way you could get the law on him for emotional abuse.

It's not against the law for adults to be mean to other adults or to play cruel head games. I mean . . . there are laws against things like slander and libel. Mental cruelty did used to be a basis on which to sue for divorce. But, basically, if you're in a relationship with someone who treats you badly, then the remedy is to get out of the relationship. Will you be left with some emotional damage even after getting out? Possibly so. But it's basically something you have to chalk up as a learning experience.

If it were possible to prove emotional abuse should it not be prosecuted the same as physical abuse? I feel you are implying that emotional abuse can not be considered as bad a physical abuse.

However, I have no interest in punishing him.

I'm afraid I went off on a rather bitter and disillusioned tangent about a society where how you treat people doesn't matter.

Where a parent can tell a child everyday of their life that they are worthless and face no consequences.

Where someone can make someone else's life so miserable that they want to die but then this society blames the victim for being weak or unintelligent.

Where emotions are a liability to be exploited.

NPD and ASPD are not disorders- they are the next rung on the evolutionary ladder.

[Rose76]

Emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse.

It is not against the law for an adult to say mean things to another adult. It is not against the law for an adult to play head games with another adult. So, no, emotional abuse usually can not be prosecuted.

If you are an adult and another adult is being mean to you, then you have the responsibility to terminate your relationship with your abuser. The law does offer some protection to adults who can not terminate a relationship, for instance when your abuser is someone you work with. There are laws against creating a hostile work environment. Children can be removed from the custody of emotionally abusive parents. But, no, there is no law that says people whom you chose to be associate with have to be nice to you. The government can't protect us from making unwise choices about the relationships we enter into.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

Thanks, I know it's creepy and weird and messed up but like you said when you cared that much... Especially when you come to realize you probably meant nothing to them... You keep hoping that maybe, maybe it's not true.

Yep. I sometimes wonder if I ever really mattered to my ex. At the end of the day, it's all moot, because you're not with them, I'm not with mine, ... times have changed, and so we have to learn to move with those times.