[Tampagirl]

Hello. I will try to shorten the background first. When I was 16 I found out my mother had a son before me and was forced by her parents to put him up for adoption. Years passed, and finally we met. Since then we've been close on the phone and have seen each other a handful of times. Our mom passed away 7 years ago, that's the last time I saw him until this week. We finally decided it was time for another visit. He's fm Denver, and I live in FL. Over the years I've grown to love him dearly as the brother I always needed and wanted. Well, he just visited for almost a week. We were having the best time catching up, talking, growing our bond, etc. except 2 nights before he was to leave, around bed time, he started saying suggestive things and rubbing me. Once he started, he wouldn't stop, he just kept whispering stuff, and briskly tried to undress me, the whole time trying to kiss me, fondle me, and take off his pants. He was begging me to sleep with him and it almost happened. I just kept saying no, over and over and finally got loose and went to my room and locked it. The next day, he didn't say much about it and told me he had to cut the trip short.
I am so shocked and saddened. He actually almost had sex with me. I no longer have a brother in my eyes. The thing that bothers me is that he is known to everyone as a really kind and nice person with a big heart.
I am completely at a loss and feel such a huge void. I really needed him to be my big brother and be family. Most of my family is gone. I feel so alone and sad. Please help me if you have any wisdom.
Thank you.

[kaliope]

hi tampagirl
i am so sorry that this happened to you. i dont know that i have any wisdom for you. the one question on my mind is to ask whether the two of you were drinking because that lowers inhibitions and made people do stupid things. still what he did was inexcusable. i dont see anything wrong with making public what he did. other people need to know the dangers of being alone with him. i am sorry that you do not have the brother you thought you had. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[NWgirl2013]

hey there Tampagirl ~ I too am sorry this happened. Yes, he crossed some serious boundary here, and to me, seemed to equate your obvious affection as an invitation to be intimate.
If it were me, I would really try hard to communicate with him that you want him in your life, As A Brother. You do love this connection, right? He clearly cares for you too, but again, clearly, got it wrong about how to proceed.

I am a big fan of writing things out, and do so with anyone in my RL that I have issues with. I am far more clear and can get out what I want to without it becoming something else. Is that something you can do with your brother?

For me, honesty is best. If the air is clear then you can proceed the way you feel most comfortable. Don't be ambiguous, tell him why you feel as you do. Do you love him less for this great error in judgement on his part? Do you hope to repair the relationship and get it back on the right track?

Write and write some more, say everything you want to say, then Don't Send. Give it a week, revisit it, show it to your T or best friend or both if you have them, edit like crazy to get the feelings, good & bad, clear, then wait another week to send. Reread one more time and then if you feel ready to have a conversation, via email, do that. Tell him you don't want to close the door, (if you don't) and wait for his reply.

He will likely be embarrassed and unsure how to respond because he will now see unequivocally that he did the wrong thing. But if you make it clear you still want him in your life, (if you do) in spite of this major breach, he will come around. Perhaps it will remain private between you. That may help. I don't think he sounds like a monster or a molester or other deviant, but I do think he found you very attractive & looked at you as a woman instead of a sister that night. He may decide he can no longer have you in his life. These are things you both need to decide.

Sometimes inappropriate things happen between adults. You are at a safe distance in RL. It can be up to you to make it a bad memory and move onto a better relationship.
I wish you only the best as you work through your feelings about this.

[ChipperMonkey]

I am in shock.... an attempted incestuous rape is encouraged to be seen as an error in judgment!?!?!

Stay FAR away from this guy! He is bad news. Normal people know their boundaries, even when they are drinking (I say this as it was suggested that he had a lapse in judgment due to drinking). Something is very wrong with this guy, and yes, he is dangerous.

[NWgirl2013]

I didn't get the sense that this was a near-rape...I didn't sense any violence, or that this is a person who will be inappropriate with any & everyone. It was directed at you. I do sense and understand the Hugely Wrong nature of this encounter. It sounds awful. And possibly drug or alcohol fueled. It happened. It was wrong. It seems there is something missing in the story, what led up to this situation? Perhaps you should speak to a crisis counselor to help you sort out what is best going forward to feel safe, or if you want to cut off this relationship all together. This is surely an option given your distance. Victims of incest have an especially difficult time reconciling this, and most have to continue to face their abuser up close & personal, as they are part of a family, but this is not you. There is certainly help available to you if you want help.

My previous post and point of view comes from one of compassion for you that you wished to have this brother be just that, your brother, & he violated that, which is more than heartbreaking. I am so sorry this happened. It is such a huge loss for you.
What do you hope to do? Do you want him in your life going forward with a crystal clear understanding of boundaries as many incest victims decide to do or do you wish to do as a previous poster suggested & expose this horrible incident to the whole (remaining) family as an assault? It is perfectly clear and very understandable if you choose this route. Only you can decide what to do here.

[SnakeCharmer]

I agree with every word ChipperMonkey wrote.

TampaGirl, I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong, your bio half-brother has severe flaws in his character and I don't see any way you could ever trust him again.

You may want a big brother and some family very badly, but none of us need this kind of thing in our lives. Support groups for people who've grown up in fractured and dysfunctional families urge those of us who long for those close connections to create our own families, with friends we can trust. That's what I've done and it works.

About 15 years ago, a long lost male relative who'd been taken away by his mother when he was an infant made contact. He was charming and smart, fun and devilishly good-looking. Everyone loved him. I tried, but I got a bad vibe and kept my distance. That relative is now serving time for sex offenses against both adults and children. The family members who got closest to him were shattered.

I had no proof, just a vibe, that there was something not right with this charming young man. You have proof. The problem is not you. It's him.

Sometimes it's better to have no family at all than to invite someone dangerous into your home and your heart. I'm so sorry you've experienced this big shock. Please take care and please know you did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve what he did. Please keep yourself safe.

I wish you the best.

I would stay far away from him

[hvert]

I'm so sorry -- I can't imagine how disappointing that must have been, to find out that the person you thought was your brother could do something like that to you. I am glad that he lives far away and that you won't have to see him again, but it really sucks that the family you thought you had failed you like that. Sometimes we have to make our own families, composed of nicer people than the ones we are actually related to.

[Koko2]

If he undressed for sex with you, I'd forget about having a brother relationship with that guy.

[ifst5]

Wow what a terrible thing to happen i'm so sorry. Please know that we don't have to consider people like that our family - that sort of behaviour denies them their right to have us as family. You need to understand that you're not to blame and that you were the victim here. He's lost a wonderful person he could have had as his sister. He'll have to live with the regret of his own stupidity, you can eventually move on knowing that you have the common decency never to do that to someone. I'm not sure where you stand in terms of the law but it might be worth calling the police; especially if you know this man to have other people in his life who might be vulnerable.

Please know we're here for you, you suffered an ordeal and have every right to support and advice. All the best to you.

[lilypup]

So sorry this happened. I too have a half brother and cannot imagine anything like this. I'd end it all now.
Develop friends in your life that are like family. One nice thing is that you can pick these people.
Welcome to PC!

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

I didn't get the sense that this was a near-rape...I didn't sense any violence, or that this is a person who will be inappropriate with any & everyone. It was directed at you. I do sense and understand the Hugely Wrong nature of this encounter. It sounds awful. And possibly drug or alcohol fueled. It happened. It was wrong. It seems there is something missing in the story, what led up to this situation? Perhaps you should speak to a crisis counselor to help you sort out what is best going forward to feel safe, or if you want to cut off this relationship all together. This is surely an option given your distance. Victims of incest have an especially difficult time reconciling this, and most have to continue to face their abuser up close & personal, as they are part of a family, but this is not you. There is certainly help available to you if you want help.

My previous post and point of view comes from one of compassion for you that you wished to have this brother be just that, your brother, & he violated that, which is more than heartbreaking. I am so sorry this happened. It is such a huge loss for you.
What do you hope to do? Do you want him in your life going forward with a crystal clear understanding of boundaries as many incest victims decide to do or do you wish to do as a previous poster suggested & expose this horrible incident to the whole (remaining) family as an assault? It is perfectly clear and very understandable if you choose this route. Only you can decide what to do here.

Well this is part of the problem. A rape must be violent in order to be a rape!?! Well, mine was pretty damn calm, and yes, it was still rape.