[findingmy_self95]

My father is 70 years old. I am 19 years old. Can you see where this is going to end already?

My father can't decide whether to treat me as a child or an adult. He refuses to show me any respect as a human being or as his child but demands respect in return. I understand where I ****ed up in our relationship but he refuses to see how he messed up in raising me and teaching me how to be a sensible adult blaming solely my mother for not raising me right. My boyfriend of 3 years has taught me more about being a mature adult who can take care of herself than either of my parents combined. I raised myself and I don't necessarily want a relationship with either of my parents but I am forced to because of my situation. I consider myself to be very reasonable and am willing to sit down and talk without swearing or yelling but can't have that behavior reciprocated.

Let's just say, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he was proud of me before my father or my mother.

How do I have a civil conversation with someone who can't see me as a person who he can talk to without deciding I have to do it or see it one way because I am his child and I have to do what he says just because.

I really need some advice from some level headed people who can see my situation. Maybe I could even explain this to my father which I have attempted to many times but won't listen. Maybe with the right words, he might listen to the conversation in a whole instead of the words and meanings he wants to hear.

[curley]

Hi Brennan, You mentioned that you messed up in your relationship and even though I do not know how you F#$@ed up as you say....People change and they deserve another chance, ESPECIALLY in a Parent Child relationship.
You commented that your dad blames your mom for the way you were raised.....
Not excusing your dad but have you ever considered that he treats everyone like he treats you. Sad but some people have difficulty taking responsibility or apologizing for things they have done.
I have found that using the word "I" (referring to yourself) when trying to communicate helps. This way the other person can look at the situation without feeling you are blaming them. Sometimes they realize they should change, or apologize when you discuss situations in this way.
For instance, I realize that I may not have handled the situation right but I felt etc etc.
I hope this makes sense. and I hope it helps But.......
I am so glad you have your boyfriend to talk to!
Good luck to you

[hvert]

There may not be any way to get that message through to your father, no matter what words you use. It's a problem a lot of us have with our parents, that they treat us like kids when we are adults.

Having a 70 year old father when you are 19 must be really challenging. It just adds so many layers of difficulty communicating.

[offthegrid]

You can attempt to assert yourself when you feel he is condescending. For example, he is rude to you if you come over, let him know that you are an adult and if he continues to be belligerent, you're going to need to leave. Or if he gives unsolicited advice, assure him that you can handle the situation, or if things go wrong you'll deal with whatever happens. The thing with this is that people like this is that you have to address the situation specifically as it happens, every time (or nearly every time) it happens. Having one big talk with him probably won't help. If you let things fester over time and then blow up at him once, he won't "get" it. It's constant reinforcement. As stated above, this may never stop so you may need to distance yourself from him.

[stephiifaye92]

Originally Posted by Brennan11007

My father is 70 years old. I am 19 years old. Can you see where this is going to end already?

My father can't decide whether to treat me as a child or an adult. He refuses to show me any respect as a human being or as his child but demands respect in return. I understand where I ****ed up in our relationship but he refuses to see how he messed up in raising me and teaching me how to be a sensible adult blaming solely my mother for not raising me right. My boyfriend of 3 years has taught me more about being a mature adult who can take care of herself than either of my parents combined. I raised myself and I don't necessarily want a relationship with either of my parents but I am forced to because of my situation. I consider myself to be very reasonable and am willing to sit down and talk without swearing or yelling but can't have that behavior reciprocated.

Let's just say, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he was proud of me before my father or my mother.

How do I have a civil conversation with someone who can't see me as a person who he can talk to without deciding I have to do it or see it one way because I am his child and I have to do what he says just because.

I really need some advice from some level headed people who can see my situation. Maybe I could even explain this to my father which I have attempted to many times but won't listen. Maybe with the right words, he might listen to the conversation in a whole instead of the words and meanings he wants to hear.

I had the same EXACT problem with my father, but I'm 22 and he was 50, and had terminal cancer, just recently passed away. Mqy mother is schizophrenic and attemted murder on myqq half sister when she was 3. What I can say is you'll more than likely never get over it enough to forgive him completely in due time. I had to do the same thing you did, raise ypurself, pay a his bills at a young age...etc. really as corny as it sounds just take each day as it comes, I never made amends with mine, and unfortunately it was bad enough to where I don't really know if I regret it or not. But I hope you're not at that point and if you are I truly a understand ( I mean this was a man that yelled at me over the phone while I was being induced with my first child). But hang tight and just treat every little situation seperately, Im sorry but I'm a realist and at this stage in the game it more than likely wnot be fully resolved. I'm sorry you had to go through it too.

[findingmy_self95]

Thank you guys. Having a civilized conversation with him is impossible because once you say something that really hits him where he realizes that he's wrong or he's sees your point of view he starts cutting you off and telling you off and avoiding the subject or not answering your question or repeating over and over while cutting you off "Yeah I know, I'm the asshole" and not letting you put another word in. Honestly I've been ready to cut him out of my life for a while now but I'm stuck in my situation; living with an emotionally neglectful and verbally abusive drunk of a father or a physically and verbally abusive, emotionally traumatized, bipolar drunk of a mother. Your pick. Thanks for the advice, but still getting nowhere.