[blaa1]

i met this guy on a dating site. he's 21 M and i'm 21 F. we are both from NYC but we are both seniors in college (our colleges are 3 hours apart). we eventually started talking on the phone. we really hit it off our first phone convo, so we started talking more and more on the phone. we couldn't see each other in person since we are 3 hours away. we started skyping, hit it off there. i really liked him. he's cocky and arrogant, but he had things to show for it at least, so i overlooked it. super intelligent (ivy league), good at piano, sports, great looks. main thing is that he made me happy. he is also jewish, and so am i, which is important to me.

however, 1 week into talking (we would talk A LOT), he asked me to be his gf. i said yes, because i felt that if i say no, i would risk losing him. and why would i want to lose someone who calls me every night and makes me happy? he also said he would like to visit me at my school, but i said no, not until we go on a 1st official date in person, which would be in 2 weeks after we first started talking, since we would both be home from our school breaks. he said fine and that he understands. he also said he doesn't want me hooking up with other guys and vice versa. he also invested so much time into me. He also said he wanted to meet my family and friends this coming thanksgiving weekend etc.

so we met up in NYC when we were both home from school and we had a nice time. we were still talking after that, considering ourselves bf/gf. however, i noticed him getting mad and defensive when i ask him a simple question about his motives. he would hang up the phone without saying bye and ignore me. when he would come back from ignoring me after a couple days he said he enjoyed making me anxious etc. he would also say things like.. "i'm getting bored maybe ill hookup with a girl since you're not here". i would get jealous and then he would call me dumb and overly sensitive for believing him. he said he likes making me jealous because it makes me more attached to him.

i also noticed he reactivated his dating profile, when he originally deactivated it for me. when i asked him about it in a non-accusatory way, he got upset and turned it on me for being too sensitive. He also made a bs excuse. (i only logged back into the dating site to see if he reactivated it and then i would log back out). i was just trying to reason with him. again, he would ignore me for a couple days. when he would come back he wouldn't be the same sweet, sensitive guy he was. i was telling him i wanted to talk to him about family problems and he lacked empathy.

i couldn't take this emotional rollercoaster anymore so i decided to end it. this is our conversation via text...

me: hey can you call me some time today?
him: cant. has to be thru text today
me: why
him: because i can't talk on the phone today
me: how about tonight
him: mmm maybe. but i'm not making any promises. i'm hanging out with ppl.
me: i'm done
him: with your day?
me: nope. with you.
him: okay! nice talking to you for the last month or so. Good luck!
me: seriously? how could you do this to me? how could you drop me so easily?
him: i didn't do anything to you
me: i'm crying right now and i need you. if you have a heart you wont do this to me
him: you just broke up with me. sorry. take care.
me: i didn't. i'm just angry right now and i'm having family issues and i wish you were here for me.

him: i do this to all girls after my 1st ex. it's a test. "how do you react when you don't get what you want? how do you react when exposed to a source of jealousy?" if the answer is go psycho, nose around his life, and throw accusations, then the subject has failed. you failed. it's a brilliant filter for the "bad ones". farewell.

[hvert]

I would chalk this up to experience and let it go. Be glad it just lasted a month!

[curley]

You have only been friends with this guy for a month and he is playing games. Sounds like he wants you to be all his and he can do what he likes.
Be glad you have not gotten more involved and shine him on now!!!

[SnakeCharmer]

His kind of behavior -- trying to make you anxious and jealous, giving you the cold shoulder, b.s. excuses, not to mention the reactivated dating profile -- only gets worse over time. It's not the kind of early relationship bumps that sort themselves out over time.

He's not the right guy, no matter how charming and perfect for you he may seem on the surface.

I hope you will find a way to put an end to this before Thanksgiving when you're both back in NYC. He's definitely bad news.

Originally Posted by blaa1

i met this guy on a dating site. he's 21 M and i'm 21 F. we are both from NYC but we are both seniors in college (our colleges are 3 hours apart). we eventually started talking on the phone. we really hit it off our first phone convo, so we started talking more and more on the phone. we couldn't see each other in person since we are 3 hours away. we started skyping, hit it off there. i really liked him. he's cocky and arrogant, but he had things to show for it at least, so i overlooked it. super intelligent (ivy league), good at piano, sports, great looks. main thing is that he made me happy. he is also jewish, and so am i, which is important to me.

however, 1 week into talking (we would talk A LOT), he asked me to be his gf. i said yes, because i felt that if i say no, i would risk losing him. and why would i want to lose someone who calls me every night and makes me happy? he also said he would like to visit me at my school, but i said no, not until we go on a 1st official date in person, which would be in 2 weeks after we first started talking, since we would both be home from our school breaks. he said fine and that he understands. he also said he doesn't want me hooking up with other guys and vice versa. he also invested so much time into me. He also said he wanted to meet my family and friends this coming thanksgiving weekend etc.

so we met up in NYC when we were both home from school and we had a nice time. we were still talking after that, considering ourselves bf/gf. however, i noticed him getting mad and defensive when i ask him a simple question about his motives. he would hang up the phone without saying bye and ignore me. when he would come back from ignoring me after a couple days he said he enjoyed making me anxious etc. he would also say things like.. "i'm getting bored maybe ill hookup with a girl since you're not here". i would get jealous and then he would call me dumb and overly sensitive for believing him. he said he likes making me jealous because it makes me more attached to him.

i also noticed he reactivated his dating profile, when he originally deactivated it for me. when i asked him about it in a non-accusatory way, he got upset and turned it on me for being too sensitive. He also made a bs excuse. (i only logged back into the dating site to see if he reactivated it and then i would log back out). i was just trying to reason with him. again, he would ignore me for a couple days. when he would come back he wouldn't be the same sweet, sensitive guy he was. i was telling him i wanted to talk to him about family problems and he lacked empathy.

i couldn't take this emotional rollercoaster anymore so i decided to end it. this is our conversation via text...

me: hey can you call me some time today?
him: cant. has to be thru text today
me: why
him: because i can't talk on the phone today
me: how about tonight
him: mmm maybe. but i'm not making any promises. i'm hanging out with ppl.
me: i'm done
him: with your day?
me: nope. with you.
him: okay! nice talking to you for the last month or so. Good luck!
me: seriously? how could you do this to me? how could you drop me so easily?
him: i didn't do anything to you
me: i'm crying right now and i need you. if you have a heart you wont do this to me
him: you just broke up with me. sorry. take care.
me: i didn't. i'm just angry right now and i'm having family issues and i wish you were here for me.

him: i do this to all girls after my 1st ex. it's a test. "how do you react when you don't get what you want? how do you react when exposed to a source of jealousy?" if the answer is go psycho, nose around his life, and throw accusations, then the subject has failed. you failed. it's a brilliant filter for the "bad ones". farewell.

Yes , "Narcissistic Seduction " feeding off your distress , "Your distress is my delight " is his moto.

Push - Pull etc be glad your not one off the women married to one .

[Open Eyes]

Well, even though his "test" was not very nice, that isn't enough to assume NPD. You don't really know his history, he could have very well gotten involved with a very needy type girl that played a lot of head games with him and that is a part of what he wants to avoid. Actually, I just noticed at the end that he had that test because of his ex-girlfriend. So, this is to avoid whatever she did that hurt him somehow or he felt stressed/trapped by.

Every person you meet is a "lesson", remember that. Learn something from this individual, there is some meat on the bone for that one. Also don't break up with someone when you really don't want to and just want more "attention". Don't ask a bf to help you with your family problems either. You had not known him long enough to depend on him that way either and most males don't like to get involved with that, especially not young men like he is. This particular guy is not looking for anything "needy", he wants a girl that is independent minded and can stand on her own. Given the short time of that relationship, I think that you should have kept quiet about noticing him on that dating site too. You could have seen that and held your cards on that one, just decide to be observant for a while longer. His test there was to see how you would need to know more about him and begin to track him. He wants a girl that is busy enough and confident enough about herself that she won't be checking. Him deciding to not call you constantly, well, if you were more independent as he wanted, you would be busy and not suddenly get all upset like that. Him not wanting you to date others? How long before he said that? A week or two? Maybe you could have not "just" given in to that so easily, show him how quickly he could own you that way. He wanted someone stronger and more independent to say, "hmmm, that is inviting but I would rather take more time with that one". Also, you spent too much time on him at first too, he got you rather quickly there too, no other things you need to be busy with, just waiting for him?
He is only 21, and independent as you mentioned, ivy league?, well, he is in no rush to commit to anyone, he's got lots of time.

Learn something from this one. It's not all about you, remember that. He wants a fish that is going to be not such an easy catch and just hang on him. Think about this test when the next one comes along.

[Open Eyes]

I don't know if you will check back with this thread or not. You are so young yet and so is this young man.

Narcissism is not something "bad", that word seems to get tagged on anyone who might be strong minded, have strong opinions and be selective and work hard on themselves.
There actually is such a thing as "healthy" narcissism. In fact you were stoking your own narcissism when you gave a list of this young man's credencials and how you would like that kind of guy.

This guy IMHO, was burnt and he never wants to go through that again, he is "still" very angry about it too. He may not even "trust" his own judgment, it could be that he liked you but, is remembering how he at one time liked his ex too, so his way of saving pain was to do that test. Yes, that ex could have very well been psycho jealous. See, you don't know that, that is what you are "not" seeing.

Sometimes people do those things because they are just plain "angry" and "hurt". People can be mean when they are in that state of mind. Male or Female, some individuals can be possessively "toxic" and very hard to get away from and do ugly things.

If something like that happened to you, you would want to make sure you knew the type of individual to stay away from too.

The only thing you "could do" is text him back and say, " Wow, I am so sorry that some girl was psycho with you, it must have been awful for you. Relationships are hard, hard to trust and make sure one doesn't end up with some psycho. I wish you luck in getting over that bad relationship, because aside from your angry test, you seem like a nice guy. Yes, aside from that it was nice getting to know you and spend time with you". And then say nothing more, even if he doesn't text you back, leave it be.

As I said, learn from this experience, be honest about your part that added to his anger too. Don't test people by threatening a breakup either, and don't be too quick to commit either. You keep developing and finishing your education, often in the process a young student learns things about relationships too. But ask yourself, would you want a very possesive person? You need breathing room too, learn about "boundaries" otherwise you could give yourself to the wrong person like he did and be just as angry.

Ask yourself with this experience though. How needy am I?
Am I insecure? And that isn't about him, just you in general because you "are" young yet.

Sometimes an experience can be a "good" lesson. I could be like others and just give you hugs and so sorry's and blame it all on him and NPD or something. But, that isnt going to help guide you in a growing direction, it will just say "you" did everything right, which you did not.

His test was not nice either, but I can see his age too, and that a test like that can be coming from "hurt and anger".
The early 20's are just coming out of the teenage years where most teens are still narcissistic all about "self and one's own universe" which is a normal part of development.

[ChipperMonkey]

I see a trend where people want to attach a disorder to ALL bad behavior. IDK, maybe its a way of explaining it away, or even excusing it? Well, a lot of people are just sh!tty people, and there is no disorder to "blame" it on. This guy is a jerk. Be glad he's out of your life. You don't need someone testing you. That's not how trust is built in a relationship!