[LadyOrangeade]

My bf & I have been together for 4.5 years. He wants to marry me this Christmas. I don't doubt that he's serious about being committed to me but I don't get why he does things that make me distrust him & makes me insecure.

We have a past. We've been in a relationship for 4.5 years and we've endured arguments & have said hurtful things to each other. I forgave him because I love him & I wanted a new relationship. I have learned from my mistakes. It has taken him a while to forgive me & he continued to lash out & say hurtful things to me, about my body & my son/ family because he was hurt. I broke up with him & went no contact with him for over a month because he of the above reasons. I didn't want to be blamed for my mistakes anymore. It worked because he apologized & said he wouldn't bring up the past going forward.

It's only been a month & everything has been wonderful but we hit a brick wall yesterday. He recently met a couple from the town I'm from. They know my sister but do not know me. My sister hates my bf because of how he's treated me & he doesn't care for her either. He told the man what he's been through in the relationship & the man asked him, why is he with a woman like me? I didn't hear the conversation. My bf told me what they said.

I was hurt because I thought my bf should have told the whole story but he made it seem like everything was my fault. He didn't take ownership for his mistakes & put all the blame on me. It hurt because our past shouldn't matter to a stranger &there was no reason to bring it up. I think that he told this person about my mistakes just in case the guy asks my sister about him & my sister tells him that my bf was a jerk.

It also hurt my feelings because he is supposed to lift me up as his lady. We're supposed to be a team. I don't let anyone talk badly about him even if he was a jerk because it's my choice to stay with him. We buried the past last month but it seems like he's still dragging my name through the mud & blaming me.

I told him how I felt & he thinks I'm putting his feelings before his but I'm not. He feels that his feelings are more important than him standing up for me as his lady. He said that his feelings are more important than my reputation! I broke up with him because I don't things will ever get better or that he can ever move on without issues. It hurts so much because I love him. I can't be married to a resentful man who is supposed to love me. He's done far worse things to me than I've done but I'm not keeping a score card.

Did I make a mistake by letting him go?

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC.

I can't really say if you made a mistake or not. You will have to search your heart. I think it is important that any two people in a relationship have a safe place with someone very trust worthy to be able to dump on and vent to. I don't think that is trash talking but processing feelings in a healthy way. A way of letting go of them. This shouldn't be done in public or with someone he just met and of course he should stick up for you. We all need some place to vent without causing more harm. if he is still holding on to stuff and carrying resentments than maybe he is not processing those feelings in a healthy way. Is couples counseling an option? I kind of think all couples could use counseling because it teaches better communication, understanding, and processing of feelings and validation. You feel invalidated.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by LadyOrangeade

My bf & I have been together for 4.5 years. He wants to marry me this Christmas. I don't doubt that he's serious about being committed to me but I don't get why he does things that make me distrust him & mak...an I've done but I'm not keeping a score card.

Did I make a mistake by letting him go?

I don't think it is right to discuss the relationship you have with your partner with random third parties (clearly an anonymous forum devoted to helping people with problems is a different matter). Not least because if you are so bad (and I don't for one minute think that you are) what does that say about his ability to choose a partner?

[Generic_username123]

It's hard to judge without knowing his side of the story whether he's point scoring or really feels like he needs a shoulder to confide in. Do you spend much time apart? and has he got anyone he can talk to for support? I think it's important for both parties in a relationship to have that.

[~Christina]

There has to be mutual respect for any relationship to last. From what you have posted.. It seems lopsided.

Welcome to PC

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Personally, I think you made a good choice. Maybe it'll take a while longer for him to get over it.

[LadyOrangeade]

Originally Posted by Generic_username123

It's hard to judge without knowing his side of the story whether he's point scoring or really feels like he needs a shoulder to confide in. Do you spend much time apart? and has he got anyone he can talk to for support? I think it's important for both parties in a relationship to have that.

I feel like he's point scoring at times because he only talks about the mistakes I have made when I've apologized profusely & I changed my reactions. And honestly, I would lash back at him for the things he's done to me. It wasn't right & I've corrected my behavior...but I'm human. Even when he called me names because he was angry about something of the past, I said nothing. I walked away hurt but peacefully & spoke to him once he calmed down.

I know we've made mistakes but I don't want to hear about them anymore. I'm starting to wonder if he's a chopper or narcissistic because someone who loves me wouldn't dangle my past in front of me as I move forward.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by LadyOrangeade

I feel like he's point scoring at times because he only talks about the mistakes I have made when I've apologized profusely & I changed my reactions. And honestly, I would lash back at him for the things he's done to me. It wasn't right & I've corrected my behavior...but I'm human. Even when he called me names because he was angry about something of the past, I said nothing. I walked away hurt but peacefully & spoke to him once he calmed down.

I know we've made mistakes but I don't want to hear about them anymore. I'm starting to wonder if he's a chopper or narcissistic because someone who loves me wouldn't dangle my past in front of me as I move forward.

Name calling is abuse, Plain and simple. You keep talking about how you have made mistakes and changed your behavior and that's a good thing , But are you going over board on taking blame for what seems like most anything? and he maybe isnt taking responsibility for his own mistakes and actions? Him constantly tossing the past up in your face is emotional abuse and controlling behavior.

I would advise you to think long and hard about staying with a person that isn't respecting you.It seems to always get worse once your legally tied to a person.

Talk to a Therapist about your relationship it might be very helpful to you in deciding what is best for you.

You have a son to protect. Him hearing fights and such isn't healthy for him.

Take care of you and your son