[geis]

I always suspect I'm being hypersensitive, overreacting to things, etc., when I feel hurt by something someone else says or does...but it can't ALWAYS be just in my head, right?

Today, I'm doubting myself over a text my new roommate sent:
“Not to be a pain or anything cuz I’m sure your [sic] busy knitting or something but my older sister is stopping by tomorrow night for dinner so I’d appreciate it if there was some type of usable communal space on the counters or living area so that I can be able to cook and quite frankly I’m not going to make her eat in my bedroom.”



It made me feel really, really awful. First of all, she knew from the get-go that I'm chronically ill/disabled and can't do a lot around the house. I mean, in the three weeks we've been living together, I've had three doctors' appointments and an ER visit. This is not a secret.


Also, half the crap on the counters is hers, and none of it was cleaned up when she sent that text. She hasn't cleaned a single thing since she's lived here, at least not in common areas. Just because I'm home all day doesn't mean I should be responsible for more of the housework than she is.


But none of that is really what bothered me. What really got under my skin was "I'm sure you're busy knitting or something."


I wanted to respond with, "B----, please, I'm busy organizing a third of the state of Massachusetts for an important political campaign. The fact that I can knit while I run a phone bank proves I'm just that good."


But I shouldn't even have to justify my existence that way. Even if I wasn't doing my political work, I'm no less valuable as a person because I'm on disability. Her nine-to-five job doesn't make her better than me, and it doesn't give her the right to trivialize my life.


But then I feel like maybe I'm just overreacting. I mean, maybe she thought she was being funny, or maybe it was just a thoughtless comment. Maybe she didn't mean to devalue me, and I'm just reacting because I already feel like my inability to work a normal job means I'm worthless. I honestly can't tell, and it's making me feel crazy.

[curley]

Hi, I would tell your room mate that you understand she would like the kitchen area, etc, cleaned up but since half of it is hers and she needs to put it away you would appreciate her help!
I would try to stay away from the who does more around the house stuff that may cause an even bigger problem.
I understand what you are saying about your time being just as valuable as hers but obviously she does not see it that way. So just try to make the clean up a joint effort.

[hvert]

That sounds like a passive aggressive text to me. I would pick up my stuff in the communal area and leave hers. You're a roommate, not a maid.

Actually, TBH, I would probably pretend I never saw that message until it was too late.

Do you guys have a schedule of who does which chores when or some sort of system to keep the communal areas clean?

[geis]

I'm honestly less upset by the cleaning thing than I am by the knitting dig. It feels like she has no respect for me as a person--like I don't count because I don't have a real job like her. I already struggle with feeling like I don't deserve to survive because of my disability, and she's really pushing those buttons, intentionally or not.

I mean, it's messing me up so badly that I've been feeling suicidal all day. If no one thinks I'm worth anything, why shouldn't I just get rid of myself? I'm nothing but a worthless burden on society.

But I can't deal with conflict, so I wouldn't be able to say anything to her about any of this. Literally, conflict makes me shut down so I can't even talk, and it generally results in self-harm. So I cleaned the whole effing kitchen and living room, despite being too sick for my body to really handle that, and she didn't even bother with saying thank you.

I feel like I'm not even a person.

[JustShakey]

Oh, that's just plain witchy. And I really mean to put a b in that. And I particularly object to the knitting dig. I'm a knitter myself. Dare anybody mess with us wielders of pointy sticks!
No, you are not overreacting. That text is 100% pure b****.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ChipperMonkey]

Nope, you're not overreacting. That text was just nasty. I hate it when people judge *you* by your employment status. As if the employed people of the world are automatically better than those who don't work. Oh, please. Its just a reflection of society where the first question anyone asks you is "what do you do?"

[geis]

I really appreciate the reality check, y'all. I grew up being told over and over that I'm hypersensitive, that I overreact to everything, and that I have "distorted perceptions of reality," so it's really hard for me to trust my instincts about when people are being jerks.

JustShakey, I saw a t-shirt once that said, "Mock me and I'll knit your intestines into a hat." I really wish I could remember where, because I need one. I often (jokingly) threaten to impale people with my needles. I've even had a psych nurse tell me I was not allowed to perform lobotomies with knitting needles. (Because I'm a smart-***, my immediate response was, "So, crochet hooks are okay?")

ChipperMonkey, I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets frustrated by employment-related value judgments. When people ask me, "What do you do?" I always want to respond with, "I make sure people like you never get elected to public office." Mostly I just stick with political organizer as my answer, even though I don't get paid for it. I basically let people assume I get paid for it because I don't want to deal with their judgments about it.

It's just...it's already so hard to convince myself I have any value since I can't work a normal job. I don't need anyone outside my head to tear me down.

[canadiangaltoosad]

Wow, you`all are better than me lol. I'd tell roomie that it's not working out and roomie needs to find a new place to live. You feel how you feel, regardless of it making it sense or not. You have enough stress in your life without having to deal with roomies attitude. I would invest in finding a roomie who is more in since with your lifestyle. But I'm kinda selfish so there you go. I hope it gets sorted out, good luck.

[SmileHere]

Well, I wouldn't clean the whole kitchen (though that's what she probably expected of you - ) and I would have a talk with her - if possible, or a texting 'campaign'

I think partly her text could be WAY better worded, and partly that maybe you did have an extreme reaction to it. And I know it's just a reaction, it is what it is... ((hugz)) It obviously 'pushed a big button'... She probably didn't exactly intend to push you that far, just wanted a clean kitchen (and was too lazy/'busy' to do it herself, at least her part!) People also sometimes have lousy communication styles or don't know that sarcasm doesn't go across well.

I'm in no way trying to 'excuse' her behaviour, just trying to provide alternative ways of looking at it, based on my own experiences when sometimes good people communicated poorly and got me upset. If that makes sense?

It depends if you're otherwise okay with your roommate or not, were you just roommates for 3 weeks? Some people can be self-absorbed and not notice important things or can be clueless about illness if you 'look good'-ish. Does she have any previous experience with people with chronic illness so severe?

It depends if you want to give her a 'second chance' or look for a new roommate (if that's an option?) but I wouldn't totally give up on her just based on one text. I'd have a serious discussion (or texting) about the stuff you've told us here, how you help run an important campaign and that it's stressful and you relax by knitting, or something like that?

Maybe she's not into politics or politics is not important to her? What *is* important to her - maybe you can link it to her goals? Maybe she didn't know what all it encompasses (as you've told on the other thread, it's quite a lot!)
So I'd give her a benefit of a doubt. But if she pulls such stuff on you after you've had a serious discussion/texting, then maybe it would be good to explore other options, look for new roommates...

Too sleepy to know if the above makes sense, just know that we're on your side and that hopefully you two can work this out or find a better roommate! ((hugz))

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I'm a man, ... maybe we do things differently, but, I don't think it's just you, I think it's her being a giant boob. I'm living with a boob, as well. -_- He ... is questionable when it comes to cleaning, to put it lightly, but had the audacity, earlier, to complain to me about some towel fluffs on the bathroom floor, ... ¬_¬ Ridiculous.

[geis]

I decided she gets the benefit of the doubt this one time--maybe she thought she was being funny or it was just a thoughtless comment. But if she pulls this again, we're going to have to have a serious conversation about things. It's just so stressful to find a new roommate, and I can't afford not to have a roommate for any length of time.

[~Christina]

I think shes either young or plain clueless to the world around her.. I dont think you over reacted to anything. I am sorry that you felt the need to go clean it all up, but I understand why you did it, Just don't do it again , your health is more important.

Have you and her sat down and discussed and put in writing who is responsible for what.. Common sense says if everyone picks up after themselves then there is very little things that need to be shared. Please don't allow someone to treat you so poorly.

Keep your needles handy for when she doesn't pick up her things you can use them to attach a blunt note to her bedroom door to remind her to clean X

[SmileHere]

hmm, I wouldn't put off a discussion till 'the next time' she pulls something like this off... it's maybe good to be well-prepared for it though (I posted more in your other thread)

When I was in the students' dorm, we had written rotating duty of who does what in the common areas etc. It was really cool and helpful. Not sure how doable it is with your illness and her busyness, some sort of agreement would probably be good...

[curley]

Originally Posted by geis

I always suspect I'm being hypersensitive, overreacting to things, etc., when I feel hurt by something someone else says or does...but it can't ALWAYS be just in my head, right?

Today, I'm doubting myself over a text my new roommate sent:
“Not to be a pain or anything cuz I’m sure your [sic] busy knitting or something but my older sister is stopping by tomorrow night for dinner so I’d appreciate it if there was some type of usable communal space on the counters or living area so that I can be able to cook and quite frankly I’m not going to make her eat in my bedroom.”



It made me feel really, really awful. First of all, she knew from the get-go that I'm chronically ill/disabled and can't do a lot around the house. I mean, in the three weeks we've been living together, I've had three doctors' appointments and an ER visit. This is not a secret.


Also, half the crap on the counters is hers, and none of it was cleaned up when she sent that text. She hasn't cleaned a single thing since she's lived here, at least not in common areas. Just because I'm home all day doesn't mean I should be responsible for more of the housework than she is.


But none of that is really what bothered me. What really got under my skin was "I'm sure you're busy knitting or something."


I wanted to respond with, "B----, please, I'm busy organizing a third of the state of Massachusetts for an important political campaign. The fact that I can knit while I run a phone bank proves I'm just that good."


But I shouldn't even have to justify my existence that way. Even if I wasn't doing my political work, I'm no less valuable as a person because I'm on disability. Her nine-to-five job doesn't make her better than me, and it doesn't give her the right to trivialize my life.


But then I feel like maybe I'm just overreacting. I mean, maybe she thought she was being funny, or maybe it was just a thoughtless comment. Maybe she didn't mean to devalue me, and I'm just reacting because I already feel like my inability to work a normal job means I'm worthless. I honestly can't tell, and it's making me feel crazy.

Hey Geis, sorry, but just wanted to make another comment. I am the first one to respond to your post and still feel my reaction was a good one. Let me just say this from having many room mates........ This is not like a b/f g/f por g/f/g/f relationship. This is a person that does not necessarily care about you at all. Or care about your problems etc. OK so keep that in mind when trying to get along. I do not think the thougths you have are over reacting. I am just saying keep the above in mind, if you want to keep a room mate that you can at least semi get along with and that will help you when you need help too!!!

[geis]

I don't want or need her to care about me. For me, it's an issue of respect, which I believe people are entitled to regardless of what the relationship is. I feel like she disrespected the work I do because it's not a typical 9-5 office job like hers, and I feel like she disrespected me as a person by ignoring my disability and limitations. I really don't even care that much about cleaning--it's the way she approached the whole thing that really got under my skin.

Even with people you don't know and have no relationship with, you can still be polite. I would never mock someone's job or imply that their time wasn't important if they didn't have a job, whether that's due to disability or any other cause. I don't need her to be my friend or even to help me with anything, beyond paying her half of the rent and bills. I just need her to treat me with the same respect we should all treat each other with simply because we're all human beings.