[LandC]

I am at a point in my relationship that I don't know what to do. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. We were happy, well connected and the future was bright in the beginning. About six months ago, she became very possessive. I did nothing to deserve this and have been faithful and supportive. I explained that this behavior made me very uncomfortable and needed to stop. Despite my request the behavior did not stop. I have since tried to end the relationship several times. Each time she threatens suicide. If I do not answer texts or her calls within a short period of time, she leaves messages screaming at me and threatening suicide or to come to my work or home and make a scene.

I have offered to get her professional help but she refuses. This is now affecting my health, well being and my job. I feel hopeless, manipulated and see no way out of this situation without it ending badly. Can someone please give me some suggestions? Thank you all in advance.

[JJBX]

It sounds like you're being abused by your girlfriend. This is a pretty classic case of emotional abuse and WILL escalate. You have done the right thing by communicating your concerns to her and she ignored them. I honestly couldn't tell you what would cause such a change unless she was hiding an underlying Borderline Personality Disorder at the beginning of your relationship. You offered to find a counselor, which could have made her feel defensive.

I guess the thing to ask is does she understand that this is emotional blackmail? There is a book on the subject and one of the first examples is threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves. It is used because they know you care too much about ANY person to purposefully act in a way that would cause them to hurt themselves. She likely feels like she has no control over the situation and is desperate to find some way, any way to regain whatever control she had over her life. It's so intense that she isn't even thinking about how she's affecting you. She's not even thinking in terms of like, ok, worse case scenario, you do leave... Then what? She's single for a while and gets to have the apartment/house to herself. Big deal?

You need to confront her about these threats, call it out as being emotional blackmail and abusive. I would also tell her that you understand that she's feeling insecure, but that those feelings turned into a pattern of abuse. I hate ultimatums, but I think it's appropriate in this case. She sees a therapist (or you even see one together) or you need to leave for your own health and safety. I'm sure you'd hate to have to end the relationship, but she has painted you into a corner by resorting to abusive tactics. Don't call her any names, don't raise your voice. If she starts arguing with you, tell her you're going to take a walk or drive and will wait for her answer.

I recommend his because if you don't make it clear that it's HER decision to end the relationship (by refusing to see a therapist with or without you), then I'm worried that this could escalate to her actually hurting herself or even stalking you. You really do need to put this on her so that if you walk away, she at least knows that she DID have control over whether you left or stayed.

It's really tough, but I think you'll find some kind of resolution one way or another.

[winter4me]

This is tough. You may want to talk to someone yourself who deals with behaviors in order to help you to end this, or to deal with it in a way that keeps her responsible for her own behaviors, and does not cause you to be so distraught. Likely, you will need to end the relationship but you have to be okay with risks which is where someone can help you. She may possibly hurt herself, but it is something she needs to deal with----as much as she experiences that as impossible right now. She will more than likely survive, and may grow...
All adults need to be able to care for themselves emotionally before they are able to care for others in a real sense. This is not about you, and would be triggered by another intimate relationship.
I don't know if she could tell you, or if you know, how she was able to remain, apparently, in control the first couple of years...

[healingme4me]

In a more drastic measure, if she threatens suicide, call 911. If you have recordings of threats of creating a scene at your work, restraining order.

Were there any indicators during those first couple of years, that she had this about her?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[LandC]

Believe me, I did hesitate to offer to get her help for the reason you stated. Her response was, "Oh so this is my fault?" It made no sense. How she kept this hidden for the time she has is beyond me. Maybe I was just too in love to notice. I do feel like I am being blackmailed and manipulated. She has said more than once that she doesn't like being alone and wants to be taken care of. I wish this wasn't happening because I believe down in her heart she is a good person, just in need of help and refusing to get it. I believe now that if I had contact with her previous partners, they would tell me they were treated the same. Thank you for your reply.

[LandC]

Originally Posted by winter4me

This is tough. You may want to talk to someone yourself who deals with behaviors in order to help you to end this, or to deal with it in a way that keeps her responsible for her own behaviors, and does not cause you to be so distraught.

I am definitely going to seek my own counseling for my own well-being. Thank you.

Originally Posted by LandC

I am at a point in my relationship that I don't know what to do. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. We were happy, well connected and the future was bright in the beginning. About six months ago, she became very possessive. I did nothing to deserve this and have been faithful and supportive. I explained that this behavior made me very uncomfortable and needed to stop. Despite my request the behavior did not stop. I have since tried to end the relationship several times. Each time she threatens suicide. If I do not answer texts or her calls within a short period of time, she leaves messages screaming at me and threatening suicide or to come to my work or home and make a scene.

I have offered to get her professional help but she refuses. This is now affecting my health, well being and my job. I feel hopeless, manipulated and see no way out of this situation without it ending badly. Can someone please give me some suggestions? Thank you all in advance.

Sorry, pal, but I see it ending badly regardless.

I recently got involved with a suicidal woman who was quite manipulative, though not as much as your gf.

However, I can tell you one thing with supreme confidence. You need to get outta there, and stay out. Whatever you say you will do ... you MUST do. You must show no fear. This is tough, I know, because you were with this person for 2 years. But, at this point, the relationship has already been compromised, so you need to treat this as a life/death situation for YOU.

Your first priority is to get out safe and sound. This is the tough part ... even if she does hurt herself, you need to be able to tell yourself that you were not responsible for that. Sounds cold, but no, it's entirely practical ... that's all you have at this point. You cannot turn this into a win-win for you and your gf. Your gf is not going to win this one, regardless of what happens. You can come out with your health and sanity intact. Do it.

[ChipperMonkey]

Get out now.

No matter what you do, it WILL end badly. It is just a matter of minimizing it all.

If she threatens suicide, call 911 and tell them what she told you. Even better if you have the evidence via a text or on a voicemail, as it would be proof and more than just you getting pissed off and trying to get her committed.

Change your phone number. We all know that call block is a joke and it takes 2 seconds to get around it.

If needed, get a restraining order.

It may sound like these are harsh measures, but you really do need to assert your boundaries so that NO means NO. Right now you are letting her trample all over you and by taking her back, you are telling her that her behavior is acceptable. That is, her bad behavior is getting her what she wants, so she has no incentive to change.

[LandC]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Sorry, pal, but I see it ending badly regardless.

I recently got involved with a suicidal woman who was quite manipulative, though not as much as your gf.

However, I can tell you one thing with supreme confidence. You need to get outta there, and stay out. Whatever you say you will do ... you MUST do. You must show no fear. This is tough, I know, because you were with this person for 2 years. But, at this point, the relationship has already been compromised, so you need to treat this as a life/death situation for YOU.

Your first priority is to get out safe and sound. This is the tough part ... even if she does hurt herself, you need to be able to tell yourself that you were not responsible for that. Sounds cold, but no, it's entirely practical ... that's all you have at this point. You cannot turn this into a win-win for you and your gf. Your gf is not going to win this one, regardless of what happens. You can come out with your health and sanity intact. Do it.

I hear what you are saying and I thank you for sharing your experience. I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that is will end badly regardless of what I do or say. I have never experienced anything like this in my life and never want to again. I have only shared a small portion of the torment I have gone through recently, but it was enough for the good people in this forum to reach out. I thank you and all the others who took the time to respond.

[winter4me]

Take care and let us know how you manage.

[avlady]

If i were you, i would even be afraid she would kill you too!!! she definately needs help, that's obvious. i think at this point she needs to get herself help and badly!!!!no one needs that type of behavior to deal with.