[starshine7]

Hi all,

I'm posting to see if anyone here can relate to how I feel/is in a similar boat. Or possibly just to tell me to pull myself together and do something about it!

I feel very trapped (by myself) when it comes to friendship. I have maybe 2 'close' friends that aren't my family or boyfriend and I rarely see them.. And I doubt they would consider me close. Whilst I am happy not having a social life because it causes so much stress and unnecessary drama, at the same time I feel like there must be something inherently wrong with my personality and that I ought to be ashamed at having no friends. The trouble is I just do not trust girls in the whole, mainly due to poisonous past friendships.. And I don't feel comfortable being close to guys when I have a boyfriend. My life consists of seeing my boyfriend, working, spending time with my parents and my dog and having various meetings etc. I dont think its anxiety-induced (although when forced to socialize I do feel anxious) I would just rather spend time reading or with my family than with 'friends' who cause extra drama. I'm really self-contained and am most comfortable when alone.. but this doesnt neccesarily mean its good for me, actually my hiding away on my own contributes to my depression in the long run. I guess I just opt for my comfort zone far too much.
I also feel like almost all social interaction is just so fake, and I cant stand it. Unless two people know one another amazingly well, I feel like its all feigned communication... (dont think I'm explaining this very well) I've only felt like this since my relationship with my ex. Our level of connection was incredibly deep so that we instinctively just *knew* what one another was thinking/feeling. Ever since experiencing that, I've felt like all other relationships are shallow and fake. I wish I could erase the memory of what such a deep level connection is like.

Having said all this; sometimes I'll pass groups of people out together at the weekend and feel a sense of longing- I'd love to 'belong' to a social group but there are so many factors in the way. A) I would have to give up some of my 'me-time', which I would resent doing B) I'm scared that I'd feel how I did in the past in social groups- an outsider, 'boring', not good enough etc etc.. C) everyone already seems to have their set friendships at this point in life.. theres no openings for new ones.

Ugh I realise how much of a whiney idiot I sound. I am my own worst enemy, I realise that! I've sounded all this out with counsellors in the past and (whilst its good to talk it out) have never come to any solution.

I guess really what i'm looking for is someone to tell me; 'Hey, its okay if you enjoy being on your own.. and not having a friendship group doesn't mean you are a loser'

But, I don't know.. maybe it does.

Thanks for letting me ramble

Hey, its okay if you enjoy being on your own.. and not having a friendship group doesn't mean you are a loser.

If you are honestly happy with things as they are then I can see no problem.

However if you feel like you want more friendships and that you aren't entirely happy on your own but avoid social situations because of fear/anxiety that's when it becomes unhealthy.

Don't let society dictate what you need to be. Do what makes you happy. If that means not dealing with other people then so be it.

[allme]

Hey

There is nothing wrong with having little or no friends! It doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you. If you are ok with being alone and enjoy it, why should you try and do something just because you feel you should? Having lots of friends and a buzzing social life isn't for everyone. And who is to say you would feel happier having lots of friends? Everyone is different and if you have found a way to be happy..then lead that life! Forget what other ppl are doing, there is nothing saying they are happier than you cause they have more friends.

Sorry I am rambling lol Other than my hubby and my brother, I have no other meaningful connections either...or good mates but I am happy that way. I work and when I am not at work I see family and go out with hubby. Actually I did have a group of friends but it was too difficult for me ...people are too complicated and in general I don't like many people

Each to their own!

[hvert]

I kind of feel like that too, sometimes -- less that social connections are fake and more that maybe there's something wrong that I prefer to read at home than hang out with friends. I am actually interested right now in pursuing shallow relationships, sort of as an experiment.

Having a group of friends takes a lot of work. Sometimes it just doesn't feel worth it. I would like to change this about myself because it seems like most successful people have a large social network.

[allme]

Originally Posted by hvert

I would like to change this about myself because it seems like most successful people have a large social network.

Honestly, I don't think the two go hand in hand or maybe if working for a big company a person gains a lot of work buddies but that's not the same thing.

Unless you crave human connection, there is no need to create a large social circle because that's what you think you should do....

I used to place a lot of pressure on myself to be social and have friends....when I realised I didn't need to do that because everyone was doing it, I felt free! Of course I need connections, but my hubby and family fulfil that desire...if I didn't have them then maybe I would seek out more friends.

It is so sad, we all worry about what we should be doing when the only thing we should worry about is what makes us happy as an individual. If that means 1 or 2 even no friends...so be it!

[hvert]

I'm not sure -- so many business and job opportunities come via word of mouth and personal recommendations. At times in my life when I have been more social, I've had a lot more opportunities than I do when I seclude myself. Even just really basic stuff -- my fridge stopped working. A friend happened to be moving and sold me her one year old fridge for practically nothing.

I am probably thinking more of acquaintances than friends, though -- just knowing a lot of people seems to make life easier when you want to find a new job, start a business, produce a play, have an art show, etc.

[allme]

Originally Posted by hvert

I'm not sure -- so many business and job opportunities come via word of mouth and personal recommendations. At times in my life when I have been more social, I've had a lot more opportunities than I do when I seclude myself. Even just really basic stuff -- my fridge stopped working. A friend happened to be moving and sold me her one year old fridge for practically nothing.

I am probably thinking more of acquaintances than friends, though -- just knowing a lot of people seems to make life easier when you want to find a new job, start a business, produce a play, have an art show, etc.

Yeah I see, but they are not like real friends. I mean, I have worked with a lot of people so sure I have a lot of acquaintances but they don't add anything to my life like real friend could...not that I am even bothered about having that either right now! Right now, I am concentrating on getting better and I need to keep my head clear and away from drama that people can bring. Maybe in time I will want to have friends again, but I feel also, it is also ok if I don't.

[Deejjay]

It's about what YOU want and makes you happy. It sounds like you would prefer to have a few deep friendships rather than a whole lot of superficial friends. Firstly it's about challenging those social pressure style thoughts around we should have a lot of friends and we are losers if we don't when that's not true at all. Cognitive behavioural therapy exercises help with that and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy exercises help with living well with a current situation you aren't fully happy with but will take time to change or resolve.
And if there is some anxiety and depression involved addressing that so that you are more clear in what you want in relation to friendship. It will also help with your feelings around this.
Then you can look at what type of and how many friends you're realistically want.
Unfortunately building friendships does take time and most friendships start off superficial before you go through the steps involved to deepening the friendship. However targeting activities that you really enjoy with people you see on an ongoing regular basis can help you make the type of meaningful friendships you'd like.