[Bamboo_RedPanda]

So, I've been trying to understand myself and my behavior, and I think I touched on one of the issues recently when I remembered things from my childhood that I didn't think about before, the fact that I struggled for approval and attention from my mother. During elementary and middle school I remember often asking my mom to spend time with me, but she rarely wanted to do anything, so I played alone most of the time, she also worked a lot, so from fifth grade until I don't know when I was home alone. I didn't have many friends, and she and my dad are divorced, so she was my primary interaction. I think I felt so alienated from her, or something, because I remember often telling her that if she hated me so much she should just kill me. To this day I still have a hard time getting her attention and approval. I try to strike a conversation, she often gives me a look like "can you shut up," or I try to tell her something interesting and she just stays quiet. Also, often when I try to give good news she looks for something to judge, like the other day I was telling her that my friend's husband, his brother may be able to fix my car at a lower price than the mechanics, but she just scoffed at it, like it was something horrible. I'm afraid of her reactions, will she not react at all and just be cold, or will she overreact?

So I think, to this day I still try to gain some approval and attention from others, including herself.

Just wanted to share my discovery, I had totally blocked out that party of my childhood.

[monkeybrains21]

Parents approval we always want but some I us never receive. I stopped trying for their approval long ago. I knew I would never get it and they were too self absorbed. Instead I ostrisized myself from the family and no longer speak with anyone. Most can't do what I did but I'm emotionally closed off which is something in working on easing up on. T and Pdoc were with me though in cutting family off, they are extremely negative and made me hate myself and want to die. So it was for the best.

Don't be too hard on urself. It's not ur issue ur mother I that way it is hers. Find others who like and respect u. We can't help the family we were born Ito but we can create our own through friends. All u need are a few and they can be better than family.

[shabur]

Baboon RedPanda,

My mother went from high school to college (living at home) to marriage with no time to learn to live by herself. I know my grandfather was very tough on her to be the best she could be, but my grandmother would tell her not to be to good doing (you name it) because boys wouldn't like her. My mother listened to my grandfather.

Within 11 months of marriage my brother arrived. Then my sister arrived 12 months later. Soon after I arrived and finally my sister. Because we came so fast my mom's OB/GYN told her she had to stop. It was taking a toll on her body. She wanted 10 of us.

Being the mother of 1 was easy, then 2 was a little more difficult, but she managed. When I arrived I put her over the edge. And then my younger sister arrived she was overburdened. However, she had the support of both her family and her in laws. We were the first of our generation.

Now, for those of you who don't know, the first born son of an Irish woman is her treasure. If you were to ask my mom who her favorite child was she would say all of us, but everyone in my family knows it's my brother. It's something we laugh about now, but when we were little it really bugged me.

I had to wear glasses beginning when I was 2. With the glasses came a nickname I HATED!!! I would cry every time someone called me it, which was pretty often. My mother's responses were many when I would go crying to her - "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." "Ignore them." "Go to your room until you stop this nonsense." ... So when the CSA started I tried to tell her, but got one of usual responses each time. I finally gave up.

Baboon RedPanda, my childhood was much like yours when it came to my mother. I tried many times to get her attention. If it was for help I got the same response as when I tried to tell her about the CSA and if it was to tell her something good I got "I would expect no less."

As I got older I tried to have a relationship with her, but it was too hard, very one-sided. Every so often I would get a call from her that consisted of her yelling at me for something she perceived I did/didn't do. I was the only one to get these calls. I ended up shutting her out of my life. When my MIs hit I didn't tell her and I told my siblings to not say anything to her. I had medical problems, surgeries, I was hospitalized for SI and for being suicidal. She knew nothing and I liked it that way.

Eventually, my T convinced me to tell her, which I did during one of my T appointments. I told her about my MIs, CSA and a rape that occurred in college that required surgery to repair the damage. You want to know the first thing she said? Not "I'm so sorry". Not, "What can I do to help". The first thing out of her mouth was "Why am I just now finding out about this?"

To this day my relationship with her is superficial. I don't call, email, ... If I see her at a family function I am cordial, but that's it. She will send me little notes like "Please call", "I miss you", ... In a conversation with my sister a few weeks ago, she told me mom was diagnosed with dementia. She suggested that if I have unfinished business with her I should take care of it sooner rather than later, but it can't be anything difficult. I thought about it and decided I told her everything I need to and, while I am sorry she has dementia, there is nothing else I want or need to do or say.

Now, I at least have siblings, but when I was younger we were typical siblings. They teased me incessantly and we fought all the time. Being rejected by my mother made me an introvert so making friends was difficult and being in social situations was overwhelming. Today I have wonderful relationship with my siblings and a few close friends, but no one that I am completely open with. I never learned to completely trust people and that has left me feeling very alone.

I have finally accepted she is who she is and I will never have the mother I wanted or needed. While I am sad about that, there's nothing else I can do, and I don't choose to have a real relationship with her. I hope you are, one day, able to reach this point of acceptance. Once I did, it was one less problem I needed to deal with.

[cool09]

That's really insightful and poignant. Everybody has to discover these things on their own unfortunately because psychiatrists and psychologists won't do the prying and analysis that should aid in helping people along with their issues. They get paid for analysis, psychotherapy but they don't do it. I've only run across one psychiatrist over the last 30 yrs (in a metropolitan area, nonetheless) that was willing to ask me about the dynamics in my daily life, to discuss the past in some detail and not be judgmental, as well.

[Altered Moment]

I discovered in my 30's that I was still seeking my Dad's approval even though I left at 19 and was 2500 miles away. Funny thing is I think I actually had his approval but sub conciously in my perception I was seeking it in ways that didn't involve him just like I was still a little kid. By getting healthy acceptance and validation from others it healed that old wound.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[indygerry]

There is a provoking quote by Confucious "What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.”

I grew up in a house where emotions were a waste of time and feelings were skimmed over without any validation. I can remember being upset by something and my Mom telling me to stop crying because I had no reason to cry.

I used to rely on the validation of others-- be it confirmation that my deicions were the 'right' ones, or whether I looked pretty that day or whether I was successful enough-- to dictate how I felt about myself. In those days, I was a bit of a people pleaser, a "yes"-woman. I had a hard time saying no and I had a hard time not lettign other peoples' perspectives of me completely rock my world.

After four years of dedicated work (every other week) with a therapist and a ton of self reflection I started to grow some resilience to the point that eventually the opinions of those who I once sought out, were nice to hear but no longer had the impact on me. This was the case both for positive and negative comments.

Today, there are only one or two people whose opinion really matters to me. When someone tells me that they think I suck or vice versa that I'm the coolest person they know, it has the same effect.

Not sure if this is what others have experienced, but your memory struck home with me.

[hamster-bamster]

You can try not trying. Say, in a situation in which you'd talk to her secretly hoping for a positive response but not getting it, switch gears and not say anything at all. An awkward pause? Her problem, not yours. Let her figure out how to strike a conversation with you.

In the context of teaching, being able to tolerate an awkward pause is a very valuable skill on the part of an effective teacher. Maybe you can borrow this trick from the teaching profession?