Communication/support issues with Ex

Sorry for the long post-I want to give some background first, and then ask my question.

I got divorced because my husband liked to play the silent treatment game. The first two years of our marriage were great, and then the next 4 years it was silent. I’m not exaggerating here. He would not speak to me for days. I would say I was sorry (even though I don’t know what I did wrong) and we would talk that night. The next day was silent again. After two years of this pattern I decided to tell him I was done playing his game and if he wanted to be silent, do so, but I have 3 kids to raise and I’m done playing his games. When he wanted to start participating in our lives again, great, if not, so be it. At Year 6 it was just not worth it anymore. I filed for divorce and then found out he had had an affair and a kid with the other person.

My ex is a cop; he thinks he can do no wrong, and that his word is GOD. He hasn’t spoken to me since the divorce (except through email), not even a hello. (not exaggerating) He rarely attends any of our daughter’s activities. He is either busy with work or busy with his girlfriend.

I understand that the primary care giver often gets stuck with paying for many extras because the child is with them more, I have supported my two older kids without the help of their father (first husband) for years.

Our divorce decree states he is responsible for child support of course. He is also responsible to pay half of the uninsured medical costs, pay half of her extra-curricular activity costs, and to pay half of school costs. My daughter is involved in competitive softball, soccer and girl scouts. He picks and chooses what he wants to pay for. The team want the girls to look like a team and encourage parents to buy the warm up sweats and a t-shirt. He claims these costs are included in child support. I feel the spirit wear is associated with her extra-curricular activities and he should help pay for half the costs. School dances, prom, the dresses and tickets and dinners that go along with those events, I feel he should help pay for. He refuses. He says Clothing is covered by child support. (the only form of communication is through email)

Every divorce decree is set up differently, and child support pays for the basic necessities (Food, Clothing, Shelter). Below is what I found on a law website.

"Basic Necessities -- Food, Clothing, Shelter
Obviously, children need food, proper clothing, and a safe and comfortable place to live. At a minimum, child support may be used to purchase groceries, snacks, beverages, and other food items. It may also be used to purchase shoes, jackets, and appropriate clothing. Also, child support may be used to pay for the child's related shelter costs, such as mortgage or rent, lighting, telephone, and utility bills."

If he and I were still together, the costs of the spirit wear, dances, etc., he would agree to pay for them. We did pay for them while we were together, no hesitation. I feel these activities are extra-curricular and the costs associated with them are extra, beyond child support. Because the item is clothing, he says they are covered by child support. I have bought so many extra things (ball pants, ball equipment, team gifts for when they have end of the season parties or holiday parties, even some spirit wear that I haven't asked him to pay for). It’s so frustrating. This should be about our daughter, not money or getting one over on me.

Please let me know what your opinion is on this. Should he help pay for the spirit wear, dresses, ball equipment? I would appreciate even a father’s point of view.

As a divorced father I think he has a financial and emotional responsibility to his kids. Emotional means showing up for all sporting events, helping coach, being involved in the things they are interested in. Helping with homework etc. Having a healthy relationship with your kid.

If he can afford it he should be glad to pay extra for their benefit.

I often had a hard time affording it. My ex didn't complain to much and never brought me to court because she knew I was doing my best and that I wasn't blowing money on TV's or cruises. I was just getting by. I was always fully involved in my daughters life though. Every aspect.

He has no money issues. It's just his opinion that it's already covered by child support. My lawyer agrees with me, but unless I go to mediation or back to court, I'm stuck. It's just frustrating that he acts this way. It is suppose to be about the kid.

Disclaimer: I am not divorced....

He's not paying enough. He has to pay half (within reason....I mean don't go signing her up for private flying lessons or anything)

Keep receipts. Tally up a monthly bill of stuff he won't pay for. Go visit your lawyer.
Your ex will not negotiate with you.

Yes talk to your lawyer or a mediator.

If you can sit and come up with a rough idea of what all these things are costing you this year. Also don't forget that child support needs to be adjusted yearly.

Does he have active visitation ? or is he just avoiding her games and girl scouts ?

My Ex and I shared half of extra things, as it should be.

YES!!!!!!! That is NOT a part of normal clothing expenses. He sounds like a jerk! Too bad for you daughter. UGH!

I think this is pretty common, unfortunately.

My father was supposed to pay 80% of my healthcare costs. My mother gave me her 20% and I had to come up with the 80%. My father never reimbursed me. Lucky I started working early on!

I'm so sorry dear, so much
You could start with a lawyer and have the court make him pay, YES. You BOTH brough these girls to the world.
He's a horrible human being, i'm disgusted

We went to mediation a few months after we divorced. Came to an agreement, the lawyer wrote it up to make it official and then my ex did what he wanted to do anyway. So it was a huge waste of time and money on my part to go to mediation. He has it in his head a certain way and that's the only way it's going to be.

Thanks for the input, just needed to vent and hear if I was being totally unreasonable.