[theinvisigoth]

I'm in a situation where I am probably getting a new roommate. She moved in temporarily a few weeks ago at the request of me and my T to help with my ed/eating schedule (T thought I needed closer monitoring, it was this or social workers). Now we're thinking about making it longer term because she wants to get out of her current, rather tense living situation. I would love for this to happen, I usually prefer living alone and have hated previous times I've lived with roommates even if the people themselves were pretty cool. I would enjoy the ongoing help with my ed (which I definitely need) and find her company very soothing and enjoyable.

But there is a potentially confounding factor in that I have very strong feelings for her. We had a close intimate/sexual relationship earlier this year (I wouldn't call it dating, but it was pretty close), she's the one that called it off and I still feel very emotionally attracted to her. I worry that my feelings for her will get in the way of our friendship, especially if we start living together long-term, I'm also afraid that I might have an ulterior motive in asking her to stay that I'm not admitting to myself. I know she doesn't reciprocate my feelings and I don't expect anything of her but sometimes I get hopeful... it's kind of stupid and I wish I wouldn't.

The strangest thing about the situation is: there's only one bed. I got the place on the assumption that I was going to be living alone, there's only one bedroom and no place for a second bed. The bed is large enough for two and we've both been sleeping in it, even cuddling occasionally. I know she doesn't mean anything by it as far as romance/intimacy, she was married for eight years and has difficulty falling asleep by herself, and from what she's told me this level of affection is more "friendly" to her than anything. It confuses my brain a little because this is most of what I want from her re: my attraction, so I feel like we're getting very different things out of the act.

I might be making a mountain out of a molehill here. She has encouraged me to be as open as I'm comfortable with about my feelings towards her, and says she's not uncomfortable with it as long as I recognize that she doesn't feel the same way. But over the past couple weeks, the way that she's been helping me and caring for me, the feelings are just getting stronger. I'd just hate to hurt my friendship with her just because I can't get over a stupid crush.

Hugs...

I know this is not what you want to hear....

Will you be okay with a one sided relationship? Do you mind that your feelings are not reciprocated?

I'm afraid that you're inviting a broken heart if you enter into this arrangement.

I'm sorry it's just my opinion. I hope I'm wrong

[~Christina]

Your setting your self up for nothing but heartache and trouble.

I understand your T thinking a roommate would be helpful for the Ed issues , but are they aware that you have only have 1 bedroom ? I'm pretty sure they wouldnt encourage sleeping together given your past history together.

Your honest about how this could be a problem.. If your friend or a family member had written this what would you tell them?

[Factory Poet]

How would you feel if she started dating someone else? Where would it leave her, if it bothered you? Homeless, potentially. Other posts have mentioned that this arrangement is not good for you, but it could be really bad for her. Be very careful! Loving kindness to you both...

[theinvisigoth]

@sophiesmom: I'm less concerned about my heart and more her comfort but I see where you're coming from. I know she doesn't reciprocate my feelings but I don't feel like our relationship is in any way one-sided. She's a very caring and affectionate friend (which is part of why I have feelings for her in the first place).

@christina: my T is aware of our sleeping arrangement, I'm not really sure what's going through his head about that. But you raise a good point, if for example my sister had said she was doing something like this I would express concern about the situation...

@factory poet: the idea of her dating someone doesn't bother me at all. Not just because we're not "together" in that way, I've been in poly relationships before so if she had wanted to do something like that when we were together I would have been fine with it. With that situation, I'm more worried it would lead to her deciding to leave. I would never kick her out without anyplace else to go, but she's had so many different living situations in the past couple years (including homelessness...) I would hate for her to have to move yet again because of me.

=( I obviously have a lot I need to take up with my T about this. I was hoping my fears were just anxiety, especially since she doesn't seem to concerned when I bring them up, but clearly they are real issues that need dealing with.

[theinvisigoth]

I brought up all of this with both her and my T. J says her main motivation is helping me out and she doesn't care about the other stuff going on, which is very sweet of her but I'm worried it could lead to some serious resentment/frustration later on. She also says that she's happier here than she was in her most recent couple living situations (at least she's getting a lot more sleep, that's obvious). Re: the sleeping situation, the T says we're both getting something positive out of it even if our relationship is not romantic. She and I aren't planning on going any further physically than just the literal sleeping, we're both agreed that a sexual relationship would not be healthy for us at this point.

I'm afraid of saying no to the situation though. When I mentioned to my T that if I don't do this we're back to discussing social workers and hospitalization he just gave me that look like, he's not saying yes but we both know the answer is yes. I'm not making progress as quickly as I should be and a hospital refeeding is my worst fear right now.

A part of me is just, this is obviously temporary, no one would want to do this in the long term so she's going to stay maybe a month more at best, so I should just enjoy it while it lasts. Based on the conversations with her and my T, it looks like they both want to go forward with this, but it's "entirely my decision". I feel like I'm just being selfish but I want to keep her around a little longer at least...