[Annievibes]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now. Both 23 years old. We've been living together for two years. We have had our ups and downs but overall a decent relationship. He's my first boyfriend, first everything to say the least. We have certain obstacles in our relationship, for instance my over protective parents use to inflict a lot in our relationship when it came to me moving out,him moving in then my parents moving in with us. Point is, we've been through a lot together yet remained by each others side.

He's an overall good man. He's hardworking,nice,dedicates time to me always, teaches me a lot of things my point is.. he's a good person, his only downfall is that he has a bad temper. His father as well as a bad temper, his brother does too. He grew up with this violent image from his father that he says he doesn't ever want to become, but it runs in his blood. I say this because I've seen how he reacts when he gets angry.

We have our arguments from time to time. About two times in the past he got real aggressive where he holds me hard, I have told him I will never support domestic abuse. He knows this even before we started dating.

So, lately things have been going well. We even planned our first trip to NYC. He told me he has a surprise planned. I knew what it was because him and his mom were making it obvious that it would be a proposal.

So what happens? We have this childish argument two days ago, we had a disagreement (something real small and stupid). So, he goes upstairs and I hear him *****ing by himself real loud, that triggers me to go upstairs..which I do. The argument escalated, he called me a curse word and I called him one back he got so angry shook me and held my neck. I punched him on his back. That night I went to the other room and he spent all night telling me sorry etc etc. Point is, this ruined our trip and to mention the proposal.

I know, what you're thinking..leave. Leave now, red flag. Things will only get worst. I know this. But I choose to stay, because we overall have a good relationship. I have faith that things can improve, call me weak but I am only in this to make things work. And as of right now I am willing to risk it. But I told him it has to be from both parts, he has to go seek help and we will have to take measures to make things work. It takes a lot, and I believe if we cannot handle an argument, then we shouldn't even think about getting married.

I am hurt right now and so is he, and I told him he should postpone his proposal because if he asks me I will say No. ( Was that wrong for me to say?). First of all a proposal should be a surprise, Secondly, right now is not the right time. We had not just an argument but it became physical. He has to pay the consequences. I know I am not perfect, but there are certain limits. He's been down all day stating how hard it was for him and how long he's been planning this for,everyone knows about it etc.

I love him but I care more about the health of our relationship than anything else. A proposal can wait, and if we have to wait more months but until there isn't an improvement, I can not move the relationship to a higher commitment. Even if we live together, I want him to learn his lesson.

[Bill3]

Am I wrong for telling my boyfriend to postpone his proposal?

No.

If he didn't want his proposal disturbed he should not have held your neck.

[MissMultiProblem]

If I was you, I would tell the bf to go get some anger management therapy before your next argue.

[Evening]

Absolutely not, if it were me he'd be getting the boot straight out the door- if he's lucky to get just that- for laying a finger on me. But hey I'm not about to try and make you go. But if you were engaged/married, it would be a lot harder to leave, if it did end up that way, than it would be to go now.

[hvert]

I think you are making a good choice to say no until you guys sort this out. I'm kind of worried that his reaction to your 'no' is to start talking about what everyone else is going to think, rather than realizing that what he did was way out of line and he is in danger of losing you if he doesn't shape up.

The 'what will everyone else think' is a really typical thinking pattern for an abuser. It sounds like he really has some thought and behavior patterns he needs to get a handle on before he gets married.

As you are experiencing, these things tend to get worse with time. I hope it all works out for you -- and I would not want a surprise proposal, so I don't think there is a rule about that

[ChipperMonkey]

You're more forgiving than a lot of people.

Give him an ultimatum....anger management therapy/classes/groups or you are done. If he doesn't get help now, the violence WILL escalate.

No, not an issue with postponing the engagement. I'd say its a good ways away now that this violent part of his temper has surfaced. A lot of men wait until they have a woman "hooked" before showing them their abusive side. I'd postpone any potential engagement for at least another year.

[marmaduke]

Postpone the engagement for now.
The best way to deal with his temper is by refusing to engage with it. If he gets angry don't argue back, don't hit out, just walk, remove yourself from him thus making it quite clear that if he behaves like that you won't stay around.

[Annievibes]

Thank you for the replies everyone!

I don't think he cares at all what everyone thinks but I think it just hurts him that he has been planning this for a while and the outcome was not the way we imagined it to be. Just a few days ago we were so happy and eager for our trip and as he was even more because he wanted to propose.

I feel that he should consider him lucky that I am even giving him another chance. He did wrong, I'm not perfect he does plays his parts in the relationship but he messed this up and I cannot be fake and tell him hey go ahead do the proposal, I will already know it's coming and I will just say yes and we will ignore everything.

I can't be like that,because I will be lying to myself.

In fact this is a perfect way, this proofs a lot if we cannot handle arguing and his temper than we should be working on our relationship first before even considering marriage. Hey, the ring won't go anywhere if you just hold on to it and wait for the right time. That's why there are so many divorces, sometimes people just get caught up in the moment and yes because you love that person you want to have a fulfilling life together, but even though every relationship will have it's ups and downs its best to work on establishing a strong foundation together before committing to something even more serious.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by MissMultiProblem

If I was you, I would tell the bf to go get some anger management therapy before your next argue.

I'd add, requiring a domestic violence course, in addition to anger management. One on one therapy sessions, on top. Most insurances cover such things.

Hate being a Debbie Downer, but I truly hope, that your future doesn't involve wearing a lot of turtlenecks and scarves. The whole grabbing the neck is far too common.

Yes, a postponement seems reasonable. ..

Originally Posted by Annievibes

Thank you for the replies everyone!

I don't think he cares at all what everyone thinks but I think it just hurts him that he has been planning this for a while and the outcome was not the way we imagined it to be. Just a few days ago we were so happy and eager for our trip and as he was even more because he wanted to propose.

I feel that he should consider him lucky that I am even giving him another chance. He did wrong, I'm not perfect he does plays his parts in the relationship but he messed this up and I cannot be fake and tell him hey go ahead do the proposal, I will already know it's coming and I will just say yes and we will ignore everything.

I can't be like that,because I will be lying to myself.

In fact this is a perfect way, this proofs a lot if we cannot handle arguing and his temper than we should be working on our relationship first before even considering marriage. Hey, the ring won't go anywhere if you just hold on to it and wait for the right time. That's why there are so many divorces, sometimes people just get caught up in the moment and yes because you love that person you want to have a fulfilling life together, but even though every relationship will have it's ups and downs its best to work on establishing a strong foundation together before committing to something even more serious.

Please remember what I am about to say....I speak from experience.

1)ALL abused women have thought exactly what you think.
2)You said "another chance". Hold yourself to that. Make it a promise that you will give him ONE more chance...no more.

That's all.