[tufan]

I've been a member here for a while. I've not posted in a long time. I've been trying to sort things out. I'm currently taking a conflict management course so I can better my own strategies in dealing with my husband. Long story short, I laid it bare a few months ago that I want to leave this relationship if he does not start doing his part and being an equal partner in the home. I let him know I plan to leave after our youngest graduates high school. Since then, he's been stepping up more, trying to woo me with gifts...but he's still dependent upon me to assist him with his college work, and he seems unable to accept that normal people study and take notes while in school, they don't just come home and ignore their books and then sleep for 6 hrs., and then expect their mate to use their brain and help them get a passing mark last minute on a quiz. I've been clear and assertive in my communication with him, but he seems to just take my 'help' for granted.

Now, I may seem cruel, but his behavior does not make me very attracted to him anymore. He's also getting fatter and fatter and the doctors have found more things wrong with him recently. Thankfully, he does not want sex too often because he is practically physically unable. I told him that I am willing to be friends and partners in caring for our kids and our home, and we still laugh and watch movies together and stuff. It's not all bad, I suppose. But, I'm still rather young and he's 10 years my senior. I still want sex from a man, and I'd like to feel attraction for the man I married, but I can't. So here is my juvenile little inner demon: Now, I secretly despise men because I feel abandoned on some substantial level by my husband. I can't respect him. The love I have for him is like the love I have for a really, really close friend. It's not 'love' love. I feel like, if he can just try a little harder, he might recapture my heart. But seeing him like Jabba every day, not caring about his mind or his health, makes it hard for me. I stay fit for myself but also to motivate him. It hasn't worked so far. I can't stand seeing men. If they look at me approvingly, I feel aggression. I guess simplistically, I feel like "where were you before I met fail??" I don't know how else to say it.

So, I'm also jealous of the women I see out and about with fit, seemingly caring and capable men, when I feel like mine is just inept and weak. Again, childish, I know. It's not their fault my life sucks. He was not like this when we were dating and when we first married. Exact opposite. He let his disabilities break his mind and his spirit down. I'm throwing the biggest pity party and I don't care. I keep thinking maybe I deserve this because...I don't know. Somehow, I obviously do because I'm going through it. I've been faithful and good to him despite it all, even though I laid down some boundaries because it's not like 'that' anymore. Maybe I'm just a terrible woman and this man is all I deserve. I just wanna give up sometimes.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by tufan

, not caring about his mind or his health, makes it hard for me. I stay fit for myself but also to motivate him. It hasn't worked so far. I can't stand seeing men. If they look at me approvingly, I feel aggression. I guess simplistically, I feel like "where were you before I met fail??" I don't know how else to say it.

.

That statement is a classic and I've certainly felt that way, before when married, and a little carryover into the beginning of my divorcee years.

The post is raw, honest and though unenviable, relateable.

Reminded me, of some of the statements my grams friends have said. Tolerable conpanionship, rife with sacrifice. They live out widow years, grateful for independence, yet wistful they'd had it, to begin with. Unashamed and unabashed.

[tufan]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

That statement is a classic and I've certainly felt that way, before when married, and a little carryover into the beginning of my divorcee years.

The post is raw, honest and though unenviable, relateable.

Reminded me, of some of the statements my grams friends have said. Tolerable conpanionship, rife with sacrifice. They live out widow years, grateful for independence, yet wistful they'd had it, to begin with. Unashamed and unabashed.

Old folks know the real deal. I love to listen to their wisdom.

Thank you for your reply H4M. At least I know someone can relate and I'm not totally lost in the cosmos. I really felt that after I posted this, I was too brutally honest and someone was going to take this the wrong way. I'm sure some probably still will do so. I feel so weak right now, but at the same time, I've been on this "warrior woman" thing to help me cope. I climb these steep hills around my town and I get this rush of joy and adrenaline from making it, especially when I almost slip and fall but manage to get up there...legs shaking and hands bloody from grasping rocks and razor grass to help me up. I guess for now, those climbs are my medicine and they are helping me keep my self-esteem in tact. I don't know how'd I'd feel if I didn't have this to do. I feel on some level that I must be the 'strong' one in the home and I guess my mindset followed. I've become obsessed with learning martial arts and I also teach myself tai chi and kendo from CD's that instruct me in the movements. Lame, possibly. I can accept that. I just don't want to give up yet. Transform, maybe. But not give up.

Thanks again.

[Koko2]

Is he growing a beard and wearing a favorite flannel shirt too like the movie Mr. Mom? Anyway, this movie came to mind after reading about your situation. Maybe it's just a phase he's going through.

[tufan]

Originally Posted by Koko2

Is he growing a beard and wearing a favorite flannel shirt too like the movie Mr. Mom? Anyway, this movie came to mind after reading about your situation. Maybe it's just a phase he's going through.

LOL, I wish. This is a long phase if so. I could deal with a beard and flannel and him embracing his feminine side. No problem. That would be cute and possibly attractive. The thing is, he's basically turned into Jabba the Hutt. No effort into anything he does at home (can't speak for his at-work performance), no self-control when it comes to food, no self-discipline, and no respect for himself from what I see. He lays on the bed or sofa like Jabba and asks myself or the kids to bring him food and drinks and he just watches TV or plays that candy phone game or phone poker until he goes to sleep. 5-6 hr long naps when he gets home, then he wakes up around 10:30 pm, takes his meds, eats again, watches maybe an hour more of TV and goes to bed for the night. Like literally, wtf is wrong with this dude? He has an easy desk job and he occasionally dozes off there too. One of his co-workers that I am also very friendly with has expressed concerns about him to me as well about errors on reports, and the random sleeping at work. He sleeps more than he does anything else, so maybe the flannel needs to be flannel pajamas.

I don't think that what you're doing for you is lame at all.

I think that your husband is in a place where you, alone, cannot help him. He needs to see a therapist.
And I urge you to consider that people that are "okay" rarely have a full understanding of people that are not. My husband could NEVER fully understand what it's like to have depression. Unless he had it himself.

We all have things we tolerate in other people and things we don't. He clearly has drifted into the latter category for you. Which is fine. Your feelings are valid...you don't find him desirable and his lack of enthusiasm for life makes you resent him.

Now what?
There's separation or therapy. I think if you simply go on tolerating, then the frustration will build and build.

You deserve to be happy.