[Raiderknight11]

Hello everyone,

My name is Javier. I am 23 years old new to relationships. In July of this year I felt ready to start a relationship so I talked to a girl who caught my attention. After a couple of dates I began to feel really comfortable with this girl since we had many of the same beliefs and morals. This was my first time dating, ever. Now we've been dating for almost 4 months. We have become really close to each other. I knew that she's been in a couple relationships before me and when I started to think about becoming intimate with her I would think about her not being a virgin and I would get a really strange feeling, since I've always wanted to lose my virginity with another virgin. I felt angry at times.

Anyway, I got over that by telling myself that she didn't look like the type of girl to give it up so easily. However, a couple of days ago we were having an intimate conversation that eventually led to her asking if I had a problem with her having had previous sexual partners and I told her the truth; that it did bother me. But that I was able to work through it. This conversation kinda woke up the need to know more about her previous relationships. I am really not the type to ask invasive questions but it was eating me up inside not knowing for sure how many sexual partners shes had and if she did it because she loved them or for other reasons. I have really strong feelings towards this girl. I was planning on asking her to be my girlfriend in a couple of days.

So today I had the courage to ask her what I wanted to know to move on to the next part of our relationship. I wish I never had asked her. She revealed to me a really dark secret. She told me that she had been raped when she was about 16-17 years old by one of her cousins friends who had gone with them to watch a movie at a drive in theater. I was in shock. I felt angry. I wanted to find and hurt the bastard who did that to her. So moving along, she attempted to tell her cousins but no one believed her. Told her to shut up and stop being stupid. Point is she kept to herself. Never told anyone but me.

She also revealed to me that after the incident all she could think of was sex and had a relationship with a guy who kept asking her for sex and she eventually gave in. The second guy she had a relationship with she had a really strong physical attraction that eventually let to an emotional relationship (this I can understand why she did it). Now I didn't change how I acted around her I still kissed her, touched her, hugged her, and thanked her for telling me this.

I decided that I want to help her and be there for her. I just want to know why she never told anyone. Another thing that REALLY concerns me is that somehow what she likes sexually is related to the rape. She told me she likes to be choked and enjoys sex in doggy style position. It's really hard for me to share this but I want to know how I can help her. Is this some sort of paraphilia caused by the assault? I am not sure if I can deal with that if we ever get intimate. Please help I am a mess and I can't make sense of my emotions.

Thank you everyone in advance for being here!

[hamster-bamster]

A doggy style position is within the range of standard sex. It is not paraphilia for sure. It is very common and probably as common as various woman-on-top positions.

Being choked is what they call kink now. I am not sure that it is paraphilia though. I am not even sure these things (what is kink, what is paraphilia, etc.) are well defined. I bet that different people would disagree on the definitions. So if for now we call choking a kink, then it is one of the more common types of kink. To sum up, her sexual preferences are not highly unusual. Also, the doggy style position is safe and nothing prevents you from having intercourse with her in that position. You might like it a lot. Choking presents safety issues and if she wants you to choke her, you need to read up on choking safely and/or talk to people about it. This is not something for you to do without extensive prep work - I am sure you knew this already.

That what she likes sexually is related to the rape might be a form of imprinting. If a baby duck sees a man and not his mother duck at birth, the baby would follow the man and not this mother duck because of imprinting. I guess you can explore root causes with her, or maybe if you have money for it, you can get the advice of a sex therapist, and yes, in light of the preference for choking, maybe professional advice would be a good idea. Other than that, I do not see what makes you so surprised. That she did not tell anyone? If you were raped by your cousin and you told other cousins about it and nobody believed you, you probably would get discouraged and not tell anyone. When you wonder why she did not tell ANYONE, what are the options for that SOMEONE in your mind? That she did not involve the police is because the perpetrator was a member of her extended family. Also, there might not have been proof as the rape was not brutal. Parents? Girlfriends? What would have been the point in telling them? She told you because she believes that this knowledge is relevant to your relationship. Alternatively, she made up the story because she feared that otherwise you would judge her past behavior negatively.

The troubling part here, in my mind, is not that she likes doggy style sex, but that you see yourself as her helper (a rescue fantasy). If you want her to be your girlfriend, tell her that, but do not try to help her. Not only is not clear where she needs help, but also should she need help, professional or peer support help would be more appropriate than your assuming the white knight role here.

I would say that if she cannot get an orgasm without choking, then there is more trouble and more learning for you to do than if she simply likes being choked but can get an orgasm without choking. In other words, given that this would be your first experience, if it is at all possible to delay your attempting to choke her, that would be the most prudent course of action.

[Raiderknight11]

[QUOTE=hamster-bamster;4084248]
That what she likes sexually is related to the rape might be a form of imprinting. If a baby duck sees a man and not his mother duck at birth, the baby would follow the man and not this mother duck because of imprinting. I guess you can explore root causes with her, or maybe if you have money for it, you can get the advice of a sex therapist, and yes, in light of the preference for choking, maybe professional advice would be a good idea. Other than that, I do not see what makes you so surprised. That she did not tell anyone? If you were raped by your cousin and you told other cousins about it and nobody believed you, you probably would get discouraged and not tell anyone. When you wonder why she did not tell ANYONE, what are the options for that SOMEONE in your mind? That she did not involve the police is because the perpetrator was a member of her extended family. Also, there might not have been proof as the rape was not brutal. Parents? Girlfriends? What would have been the point in telling them? She told you because she believes that this knowledge is relevant to your relationship. Alternatively, she made up the story because she feared that otherwise you would judge her past behavior negatively.

The troubling part here, in my mind, is not that she likes doggy style sex, but that you see yourself as her helper (a rescue fantasy). If you want her to be your girlfriend, tell her that, but do not try to help her. Not only is not clear where she needs help, but also should she need help, professional or peer support help would be more appropriate than your assuming the white knight role here.
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Thank you Hamster for your reply. I was up all night trying to make sense of my emotions. Just to clarify though, she was not raped by any of her cousins but rather A FRIEND of her cousins. These cousins are from her fathers side and I've received hints that some of that family believe in machismo. I don't know if this played a role in her decision to keep quiet about it, but like you said I don't know why I was surprised about her decision. I just felt angry that the person who did that to her was never punished.

I don't want to be a White Knight. I was just simply confused and didn't know exactly how to ask for help. Keep in mind I've never had to deal with anything like this and I just wanted to know the best way to help someone I really care about. This is why I sought guidance. My concern for the paraphilia was mostly fed by some extreme cases I've read about a while back. It never occurred to me that what she likes sexually is pretty normal among women. From what we've talked about it, she's not into anything extreme. Also, given the lack of details it's difficult to determine whether or not this has anything to do with that particular event at all.

Moving along, last night when she told me this I was in shock and I didn't know what to say to her and I sure as hell didn't want to risk saying the wrong things. So I went to go talk to her today.

I told her that what I felt for her was real and unconditional. I reiterated to her that nothing that happened that night was her fault and that she should never think that anything she might have said or done that night gave that monster the right to hurt her. I told her that it meant a lot that she confided in me. Also, told her that if she ever needed someone I would be there for her. I don't know if what I said was the right thing to say but she appeared to be relieved by what I told her and she thanked me for taking my time to go and tell her that.

Somehow this lifted the cloud of smoke around me. I can see clearly. Almost like nothing ever happened. I just want to love her and make her happy. She's definitely a strong woman to be able to deal with something like that by herself. I trust that she will seek guidance when she feels the need to. But for now our relationship resumes as normal. I plan on asking her to be my girlfriend in a couple of days. I am working on something special to do so I am really excited for the days to come.

Thank you again Hamster. Your post helped me clarify this situation further. You also made me see myself from a different perspective. Being a White Knight is something I don't want to be. So I will try my best to avoid heading in that direction. If she ever decides to tell me more I will need help in making sense of it all. Thank you! I can't say it enough.