[ScorpGal]

I just turned 61 years old and have been widowed for 7 years. I have been married 5 times (first 3 before I was 21, each of short duration) then 17 years to my last ex and 7 years to my dearly departed. For the first time in my life I am living on my own without the emotional support of a significant other.
For the past 6 years (until about 3 months ago) I was in an emotional relationship with my first love, second husband, and father of my son. We live over 1,000 miles apart but were in regular contact via the internet. As our visits grew further and further apart and I sensed an aloofness from him, I finally told him I wanted more of our relationship, and he said he wasn’t able to commit. I cut my losses and pulled away. We are no longer in communication but I still think about him often and know if it isn’t him, it will be nobody. I have a 43 year old son with a wife and two kids who lives 4 miles from me. He (my son) feels that communication with his wife is the same as communication with him. It isn’t. If I need him, I am sure he would be there for me, but due to my having had a demanding, possessive mother, I don’t want to ask for his time or attention. I want a relationship with him but he is as emotionally disconnected as his biological father (see first paragraph).
I also have a 44 year old divorced daughter (no kids) fighting metastasized cancer who lives 1,000 miles away. I returned a week ago from a visit to her when she got post chemo results and had a modified radical mastectomy. I had a “melt down” over her wanting to resume activities 4 days after surgery that were potentially harmful to her recovery. On the spur of the moment I left and drove the thousand miles to my home. She has chosen her friends over her health or her family. That is where she wants to be and although it hurts I understand where she is coming from… just don’t want to see where she is heading. I have been supplementing her income for the past 6 months, but that will probably end the first of next month. I cut myself off from all but two very close friends for a week and then decided to let a chosen few back into my world. I am fortunate to be financially secure (but not rich), have 30+ years of past therapy (and currently in individual and group therapy along with meds for depression, stress, and bi-polar) to help me deal, and friends and acquaintances to help me hide my hurt. The loneliness of being single is almost too much to bear especially with the holidays coming up.

[Little Lulu]

Loneliness is a very real and painful thing. I hope you can navigate the holidays one day at a time and not put too much pressure on yourself about how things 'should be'. I am not much for the holidays either as most of my family is gone now. I turn the channel when those Hallmark commercials with all the beautiful, happy families at the holidays come on ... too much.

Don't be too quick to rule out another significant other in your life. You sound like someone who enjoys being in a relationship.

[curley]

Hi ScorpGal It is unfortunate that your son does not communicate great. But think about this.....Staying away from him and his family does not help the communication or your loneliness. Just make the conversation generic. Or find something you can all do together just to spend time. Make or build a project, play games, something. You may be able to develop a healthier relationship with his children!
Your daughters situation is not positive. Reading a little about metastasized cancer made me think I would probably want to go on with whatever I wanted to do, healthy or not good or not!!! Why not enjoy the short time she has left. You may not feel that way cause she is your child and you want her to do whatever she needs to so she can hang on longer. From what I read, that is what she would be doing. Seriously......think about her point of view. It is very generous of you to help her over the past months. Are you discontinuing your help because she wants to resume her activities. Well, that is our decision, but I hope if she needs your help you will reconsider.
If you cut off some of your friends, I am sure you have your reasons. I personally have 3 very close wonderful friends, and I would not trade quality for quantity. I think the older I get the more I have realized that!
I hope you are not offended by my comments about your daughter I gave you an un bias honest opinion.
Same think about your son.
Good luck to you!!!!!

[ScorpGal]

Thank you Lulu and Curley for your insightful comments. Things are looking much better today. I had my group therapy yesterday and got much needed feedback there also. My son called me last night and invited me to his home for Thanksgiving dinner... I initially thought of saying no, but put a smile on my face (so it would come through the phone) and said "Thank you, Yes, that sounds wonderful". We then had a short conversation on politics and it ended with me telling him thank you for the nice conversation... he said I love you Mom (first). I have been receiving loving texts from my Daughter every day to keep reminding me that she loves me. I just have to remind myself to be thankful for what I do have and let go of the things I think I need. Again, Thank you.

[Little Lulu]

Have a lovely Thanksgiving at your son's house.