Can't leave the past behind

Hi everyone.

I have a problem that is bothering me from time to time and i'm not able to solve it. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 15 months and we are great together. He is one of the most wonderful guys I've ever met. he is kind, caring, intelligent and puts lots of effort into our relationship and does his best to make me happy and and to make our relationship moving forward. I love him so much too and i'm so happy to have him in my life. But the problem is, things weren't always this great between us. About a year ago, we went through a hard time because of his depressed mood and through that time, he constantly neglected me and did things that hurt my feelings. I tried to forgive him at that time an be there for him and things got better and better.
But now, it seems that i can't forget what i had been through and memories of past are still hurting me. I know I shouldn't be like this, because he didn't want to hurt me and now everything has changed, but i'm angry and resentful inside and i think because of that, everything he does, every kind gesture he makes, seems insufficient to me ( and he does make a lot of kind gestures, more than average).
What can i do to leave this feelings behind? I really want to forgive and forget...

you need to focus on the good things he has done. you need to let go of anger and resentment which you haven't done. you are still holding on for some reason. you obviously were hurt. have you talked to him about how much he hurt you or are you trying to spare his feeling because you know he didn't mean to do it? you talk abut it until it doesn't hurt anymore. otherwise there is no sense in staying in the relationship.

I didn't want to talk about it with him, 'cause i knew it would make him deeply sad and i knew that he didn't want to hurt me or make me feel bad. But i talked to him about it finally and he tried to be supportive. But i'm still angry and i don't know why. I thought if i tell him about my feelings, i could fine some closure, but it all seems so hard, i can't think of our first months together and don't feel sad. what should i do to let go of anger and sadness?

Letting go of anger is difficult. Two things: try to compartmentalize it in a place in your mind reserved only for negative thoughts. Don't ignore the feelings, just put them in a mind-space that does not require you to ruminate about or act upon.

R elatedly, my mindfulness practice discusses RAIN - Recognize the negative feelings, be Aware that you are having bad feelings, Investigate them with a in a spirit of curiosity "Where does this come from?" How am letting these feeling affect me and my relationships?" and finally, do Not over-identify with those feelings. That's the crux. Emotions come and go (although some stick around longer than others) but they do not have to define you or your relationships with others unless you let them. "Its just a feeling, it will pass." Eventually, your synapses will rewire themselves and the feelings won't be a salient as they are now. Good luck.

I had issues with the guy I ended up marrying (that was a serious mistake) because he never changed but got worse & I knew before I got married that I had issues with his attitude & personality....(but stupidly listened to my mom that he would "grow up" & change). The thing is that I stayed in a miserable marriage for 33 years because I wasn't wise enough to put a stop to it before the wedding. He was a nice guy but the same things I finally left because of were the things that started off being serious issues.......but when I left.....I told him that I would KNOW if he ever changed because it would be obvious.

My point here is that your BF has changed & you can see the difference in a continual way (from what you have said here).......I would have willingly put the past in the past if I had seen any change.....but I have to admit, it would have been more difficult because 33 years of what he was my ANGER had grown so intense over all those years.

The only one thing that he did change was his initial sarcasm that I had started throwing back at him but hated how I felt doing it so I put my food down & said.....change or GET OUT!!!!.....it took him over a year of my constant reminders almost every time he opened his mouth....but he finally did change mostly on that one issue. The other issues still existed...but I was able to finally put that issue aside as his behavior change of not using sarcasm was obvious.

I seriously understand how that anger can get held onto especially if there are remaining signs of the old behavior.....but if he has changed & the longer the time that you see this change is permanent.....I think that for me, as time passes I have more confidence that the past is really in the past & it's easier to accept that is where it is at this point & then the anger can be let go of without fear that it will crop back up & bring your anger back to it's original level.

For me, if I had seen a change in my H (he said it but his actions didn't reflect his words).....I would have tried hard even after 33 years of anger toward him....to put the anger aside & continue on with the marriage.....but I understand how the anger is.....& in my situation, he just kept making the anger greater even AFTER I left....he kept doing things that just reinforced why I left in the first place even from 2100 miles away.

I think it's wonderful that your BF really did change.....that says a lot for him & it also says that what you saw during that time wasn't who he really was & this is.

For me I had become a horribly angry person the last years of living with the H.....I honestly was afraid that was WHO I had become......what I found was awesome however.....the longer I was away from him, the more mellow I really became....I learned that who I was when I was with him was NOT the me who I really was because that person in me never does show up unless I have to deal with issues that have anything to do with him in getting the divorce finalized......so I"m thinking that your BF was going through something that was causing him to be the way he was & now that it was resolved.....you are getting now who he really is......& once you are able to accept that in your own mind, it's a lot easier to let go of the past IMO.....or at least rationalize the reasoning for why & the why no longer exists so neither does that personality.

Hope some of this makes sense......

Also, what Factory Poet said about the mindfulness practice of RAIN is a wonderful practice to help also