I have a problem and don't know how to deal with it

This has been an on-going problem for a couple years and it needs to be addressed.

I believe my fiance has a disorder but what it is, I don't know. It could be bipolar or something like it. Can't say for sure as I am not a professional in this area.

All I can do is give examples of some of things he does. The latest episode occurred this past Thursday. He left work around 8:30 AM to head to a doctor's appt. Nothing serious, had to have a few skin lesions looked at. Enroute to the appt. he called me. I wished him well and he said he would call me when he was finished.

Well, he did call me. The problem was I was on a conference call and could not take his call. The call went to my voice mail. I was at work and the conference call was job related. I couldn't just place everyone on hold to take his call. My conference called ended 30 minutes after he called. I sent my fiance a text message inquiring how the appt. went & he responded with a few short, snippy responses. Later in the afternoon, I find out from him that he's just steaming because I couldn't take his call when he finished with the doctor. His rationale is that if he was an important to me as I say he is, I would have taken his call.

I believe he is being absurd, of course I didn't tell him this, I explained I was involved in a conference call and that I got back to him as soon as I could. I did tell him that I was doing my job and that his expectations were unrealistic.

He is so mad over this, he refuses to talk to me. We live together. If I enter a room he is in, he leaves. If someone stops over, he puts on an act and pretends that everything is all right. Once the comany leaves, he's back to his usual silent treatment. This morning when I dropped him off, I told him to have a great day. He accused me of being cynical towards him which has further prompted him to send nasty text messages to me.

The problem is that I get so frustrated over his behavior that I get upset. I get upset to the point where after trying to rationalize with him, I lose my composure and raise my voice. I raise my voice out of frustration. No matter what I say or how I say it, he finds fault. He takes everything I say out of context and uses it against me. If I tell him I was on a conference call, he says "I see, I wasn't important enough to talk to." Then he'll say he was a a$$hole for believing in me.

I'm really at my wits end over his behavior. It's almost like he enjoys picking fights over things that anyone else wouldn't give a second thought. I also should emphasize we have never had a physical altercation. It's always verbal and it always escalates to the point where I cannot take anymore of his rationalizing why he's the way he is. I have given him no reason to distrust me.

We are both divorced, we both have grown children. He has no relationship with his own children and I have wonderful relationship with my child.

I don't know what to make of his behavior and if I suggest he seek counseling, that just sends him over the edge.

Any suggestions?

Hello and welcome to Psych central. I am sorry you are going through all of this at this time. I feel that yur husband needs counseling as well, but if he will not go to counseling, I feel you should go yourself so that you can stay stable with your mental health. Hopefully in time your husband will change his mind about counseling if he sees that you are serious about the relationship yourself. i hope the best for you in the future. take care Soidhonia

Sorry if this is blunt but your partner seems to behave like a spoilt child and seems pretty controlling. Does he have anger management issues?

I guess you need to ask yourself whether you want to have a relationship (and fight for it, seeing he doesn’t seem keen) with someone who is not prepared to talk about issues or treat you with some respect. Does he communicate at all with you – as in talking to you, not shouting?

If you do want to make it work, then yes, you could try going to counselling by yourself. On the other hand, it takes two to ‘run’ a relationship. It is not fair if you have to bear the burden by yourself… and especially if this has been dragging on for a couple of years, as you say.

I am also quite concerned about your child. Does s/he live with you two and witness your partner’s tantrums? And how does your partner behave towards the child?

I think you ought to (re)-consider what you get out of this relationship, as neither of you seems very happy....

Have you ever tried humor? I can get very defensive when I turn out to be wrong and end up sulking :-)

You said, "If someone stops over, he puts on an act and pretends that everything is all right. Once the comany leaves, he's back to his usual silent treatment." I would try to replace my frustration with good humor and try to gently tease him out of his moods. If he can't tease, can't get out of his moods either by himself in a reasonable amount of time or with help from you,

I would not cater to his moods though, react in any "upset"/frustrated manner. If he can't be in good humor when you're around, I'd go out. Being "concerned" and frustrated makes his behavior "work". If you can be light about it and tease him out of it, great but otherwise, I wouldn't put up with it. If he can't see it now with your help, I don't think it can get any better later?

Your boyfriend's problem is immaturity. Your problem is loving him enough to put up with it. It sounds like your are the only person trying to negotiate solutions, while he goes on pouting. Perhaps couples counseling would help?????

Thank you for your suggestions, I will take some into consideration.

Don't be worried about "our" children, all of the children are grown and living on their own. Their ages are 31, 28 and 26. We did not have these children together, we are both divorced and the children are products of different marriages.

I do think my fiance displays behavior of a spoiled child. We went to dinner last night in order to talk. He sat with his arms folded, glaring at the TV & refused to look at me. In fact, he told me to stop looking at him because it "bothered him." Before the server came over to take the food order, he announced he was there against his will and wouldn't be ordering anything. I calmly informed him we were not leaving and I was not going to cook when we got home. I asked him to reconsider ordering food and if he didn't, I wasn't going to leave. Good thing I drove, right?

I forced him to take a look at what he was upset about. After much double talk from him, he finally admitted that what he was doing was childish and wrong. It's a start. I made it quite clear that I wasn't going to tolerate any more of his childish behavior. If I had done something that would warrant him being upset, that's one thing, but I didn't. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong or apologizing for something.

All in all, he agreed to think about his actions and reactions to situations. I'm not trying to make light of his feelings but he needs to examine whether situations he considers to be worthy are really worth being that upset over. If the answer is no, than he needs to find a way to get past it.

Again, thanks for your input. It is very much appreciated.

If I was you I would ask your fiance' if he has been diagnosed with a behavior disability of any kind.And I would do some studying on some behavior disabilities. And then I with all things considered I would make a re evaluaction of whether I could take this long road of recovery with him and how much would he help himself. And ask him if he had a parent or partner who was unfaithful or a mentor who was unfaithful to their partner. Because these could contribute to some of his insecurities. Finding the root to his behavior could be the first step to his recovery and to a healthier relationship with you.Knowledge is power and to be for warned is to be for armed.

Smilie

It sounds like he is looking for pity rather than a partner

hi I'm just what the name implies, but your problem doesn't sound like any kind of mental illness. my thinking is that someone has hurt him very badly in his past. are you involved with his parents is he this could go along way back. maybe he really is broken up over he kids or its a left over from his ex'es treatment. maybe hes afraid of bonding while hes in the middle of bonding or he made up his mind that if he hurts himself now it wont hurt so much when you move on (his belief , I'm not saying you are.)do not contact his ex. its really hard to say,you really need to find a way to get him to open up. its right there in front of the two of you. with some people you just cant walk through the front door with,ya have to sneak around the side.i know everyone is telling you to go to counseling I'm not a big believer in it most people lie to their counselors

Hi, always...Welcome to PC!
I think a mature man, and a healthy partner, would realize your job is important and not throw a fit over your being in a conference when he calls! We all have to work, and you are obviously a conscientious employee! He should respect and value you for that instead of placing a guilt trip on you. The practical solution is for you to rid yourself of this immature man if he can't shape up and respect you for the professional you are. I know, I know!, this is rarely possible in a loving relationship, but what is loving about his behavior!
Patty