[PaulaS]

I live in a larger town, I´m 30+ year old and feel my life is very disappointing, futile and lonely. I have a university degree but had been unemployed since I finished school both because of me feeling mentally bad from time to time and because of the labour market itself.

I have only one friend and feel very lonely, I´ve tried in several ways to find more friends but it´s hard finding new friends when you´re a bit "older". I´ve never been in a relationship and to me it isn´t just "go out and find a date" as my problems stems from childhood issues and stuff that I went into therapy about. At the moment I´m without a therapist and I don´t know how I´ll get the strength to continue searching for one.

I spend most of my time alone, by my computer or TV. I don´t have any sufficient support from family or relatives and I think my life is just a mess, life is just a dull place to be, not knowing how to change things.

Anyone else out there feeling this way?

[guilloche]

Yeah... I think there are more of us than you'd think! I'm probably a little older than you (40 - ugh!). All I can say is that if you don't actively do something to change it, it won't change... think of this as a message from your future self None of this stuff seems to fix itself (*sadly!*).

I've been reading the blog of the woman who set up"girlfriendcircles" (for women to connect with each other) and learning alot about types of friendships and being more open to friends. In the past, I've been too depressed and miserable to want to exert much effort in finding new friends (and it IS harder as you get older!). But, I'm starting to work on that now. Slowly, at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me.

One of the interesting things she mentions is that it's totally normal to replace about half of your friends over 7 years (due to people moving, getting married, getting busy, etc.) So we always need to "keep the pipeline open" for new friends.

Anyway... I could blab on a bit about that (I'm finding it fascinating, I don't work for her or anything)... but really... I know it's hard, but I'd encourage you to keep looking for a good therapist. I know you had an awful experience with the last one, so it's natural that you'd feel a bit gunshy about trying again. I had some bad experiences too (yes, including getting kicked out of therapy!) and just stopped for about 7 years. Took up piano, worked hard, saved money - but really haven't had any kind of life (no dating, not much socializing).

Don't waste the next decade of your life, the way I did - take a week, or a month if you need it to "regroup" - think about what kind of therapist would be *perfect* for you, what you need, what you think you'd get out of therapy, how you'd work best with someone (and what things would be red flags for you or not work for you). Maybe set a step to find some local therapists that look like good matches to do phone calls with or initials meetings (with no further committment yet). Or if there's no one locally, try looking for remote therapists?

I have to believe that stuff can get better. I thought I was completely hopeless after my last round of therapists... but so far (and I've only restarted this year), my new T is doing a good job. It's slow for me... but I'm ok with that. My new T is not at all perfect, but so far the difference between him and the previous ones is really unbelievable. I wish I had found him 10 years ago!

Good luck! Sorry the rambling... it's friday! Yay!

[PaulaS]

Thanks for a supportive and interesting answer. It´s an interesting aspect that you naturally change friends over the years, that many factors influence who you stay friends with and who you ends friendships with. I think there´s a quite huge divide when people get around 30 and over and some starts to have children and some don´t.

Many experiences their friends "disappearing" into parenthood. Myself, as I said, have just one friend and she is to become a mother in a few months.

Thanks for your support around me finding a new T, appreciating that you´ve read my posts about it. I think it´s a really heartbreaking thing to go through, being terminated by a T and then having to look for a new one. I´ve started to do that but find it hard, much because of the health care system in my country and because I still really miss my former T.

I´ll try to keep up my energy and my goal is to find a new T in some weeks but I don´t think I will manage unfortunately.

Sorry to hear that you had that long of a break in therapy, 7 years is a long time but I can see why such things happens if you´ve been thrown out of therapy and then you also have to deal with all your other problems. Glad that you found a good T, I hope you can stay in therapy as long as you need it. As you say, you often wish you´d done things earlier but if you had looked for a T seven years ago, perhaps you hadn´t found your current T at that moment, who knows.

It´s the feeling of being stuck that´s one of the hardest feelings, to don´t know what to do, don´t know where to begin and don´t even know where you want to go, that´s what I feel most of the time. Don´t know how to change it.

I don´t think your post was rambling, it´s always interesting to hear other peoples stories.

Originally Posted by guilloche

Yeah... I think there are more of us than you'd think! I'm probably a little older than you (40 - ugh!). All I can say is that if you don't actively do something to change it, it won't change... think of this as a message from your future self None of this stuff seems to fix itself (*sadly!*).

I've been reading the blog of the woman who set up"girlfriendcircles" (for women to connect with each other) and learning alot about types of friendships and being more open to friends. In the past, I've been too depressed and miserable to want to exert much effort in finding new friends (and it IS harder as you get older!). But, I'm starting to work on that now. Slowly, at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me.

One of the interesting things she mentions is that it's totally normal to replace about half of your friends over 7 years (due to people moving, getting married, getting busy, etc.) So we always need to "keep the pipeline open" for new friends.

Anyway... I could blab on a bit about that (I'm finding it fascinating, I don't work for her or anything)... but really... I know it's hard, but I'd encourage you to keep looking for a good therapist. I know you had an awful experience with the last one, so it's natural that you'd feel a bit gunshy about trying again. I had some bad experiences too (yes, including getting kicked out of therapy!) and just stopped for about 7 years. Took up piano, worked hard, saved money - but really haven't had any kind of life (no dating, not much socializing).

Don't waste the next decade of your life, the way I did - take a week, or a month if you need it to "regroup" - think about what kind of therapist would be *perfect* for you, what you need, what you think you'd get out of therapy, how you'd work best with someone (and what things would be red flags for you or not work for you). Maybe set a step to find some local therapists that look like good matches to do phone calls with or initials meetings (with no further committment yet). Or if there's no one locally, try looking for remote therapists?

I have to believe that stuff can get better. I thought I was completely hopeless after my last round of therapists... but so far (and I've only restarted this year), my new T is doing a good job. It's slow for me... but I'm ok with that. My new T is not at all perfect, but so far the difference between him and the previous ones is really unbelievable. I wish I had found him 10 years ago!

Good luck! Sorry the rambling... it's friday! Yay!

I feel the same way. I am 31 and have no friends or family support. It is hard connecting with people once you finish college etc. I have joined art and car groups trying to make friends with not much success. I don't have a lot in common with other people either due to my upbringing etc. I totally understand.