[guilloche]

I just wanted to post an update.

I sent her an email. It was a very nice email saying that I'm excited that she wants to visit, but also have been stressed and unfortunately have such a small house (true!). I basically said, "what do you think about staying with friends or in a hotel?" - and that would help me, and let me focus on enjoying spending time with her while she's here.

At my T's suggestion, I suggested that if she did this, we could have dinner Friday night and then go do something fun Saturday, and that she could spend Sunday with her friends (she has tons of local friends that she likes to catch up with).

Once I sent this... I actually felt really GOOD about it. I realized that even though I'm not close and lovey with my mom, I could enjoy her company (in limited quantity!) and really what causes me the crazy-stress is having her staying in my small house, and having to interact with her for 72+ hours straight with no escape So I felt happy and thought my email was very nicely worded.

Well... it's been almost 24 hours, and no response. She usually responds to emails within a couple of hours (she has an ipad and is always connecting with friends, very social).

I know that means that she's unhappy... she's done that before, just refused to acknowledge a message. So, I'm feeling a little bummed out by that. I really want her to reply, so I can plan appropriately and not have this "worry" hanging over my head.

Anyway, I wanted to share... I was surprised at how much better I felt about the visit with the idea of her staying somewhere else, and just getting together for dinner and some activities the next day. I can totally handle that. I just wish she'd reply!

Thanks!

Let us know what she says ..more then likely she is thinking what to do next before she responds to you .

[guilloche]

Thanks Nature... still no response, it's been more than 24 hours. My bet is she just won't respond. I've decided I'm not going to let myself worry about it at this point. If she gets around to mentioning the trip again, I'll ask her if she's picked a hotel!

I can sympathize, guilloche...

My parents used to come and stay with us for three weeks to a month. I found myself just annoyed and short tempered. They think that the world should come to a halt when they visit. It's a "vacation" for them and they want to be entertained.
Now they have a tiny house not far from me. However, I'm not allowed to go more than 24 hours without seeing them or they get offended and indignant (and come over to peer in my windows)

It's very very difficult.

[guilloche]

Sophiesmom - Oh yikes! I can't even imagine 3 weeks, and them expecting to be entertained! And, I'm sure that I couldn't deal with the expectation to see them every day! Wow... I'd be very tempted to move. That's just... it would feel very *invasive* to me, though I do need a lot of quiet, down time away from people to recharge.

Thanks!

[unaluna]

I am so effin proud of you, pardon my french. This is what normal people do. Well, normal people who arent hallucinating about how they treated their kids and what their actual relationship is like now. They just talk to each other like humans and set limits and respect each others boundaries. One doesnt just get to wave a magic wand and have everything their way. D'oh! I bet even martha stewart has to negotiate with her daughter. Or Cher with Chaz.

[hvert]

You have to keep us updated on this one! Congrats for sending the email. My mother does the same thing (silent treatment) when I tell her something she doesn't want to hear. I find it very annoying because it is so manipulative.

Now that I recognize it as a manipulation tactic, I find that it just strengthens my resolve.

This is a win-win for you. Your mother may cancel her trip to punish you (ha!) or she may decide to accept your offer -- but now she knows that she will not stay with you.

[guilloche]

Thanks!

Thanks Hankster! I'm pretty sure my mom has *never* said she's proud of me, so I tear up a little when I hear that (*blush*). And, thanks for the reminder about "normal people". Isn't it crazy how easy it is to forget that this stuff IS how normal people act?! Normal people don't just announce that they will be staying at your house and expect you to accommodate that! They ask, they negotiate, they plan.

Thanks Hvert! Thanks for the reminder that it's a manipulation tactic. Like I said, I've done my part and an trying to not obsess about it now. As you pointed out... she can choose to come and stay somewhere else, or to not come, either way is fine.

It just is still so *surprising* to me what a difference this one little detail makes. I knew that I'd prefer that she stays in a hotel, but I didn't realize that THAT was a huge part of the dread and stress I was feeling, until I took that out of the picture. I'm not close to my mom, but honestly, I think I could find a way to enjoy her visit - if she's not with me 24x7 and in my space.

Hmm... maybe there really IS something to all this "boundary" stuff !

Thanks!!!!

[hvert]

I love that sentence, 'Normal people don't just announce that they will be staying at your house and expect you to accomodate.' It's crazy how easy it is to see this stuff in hindsight or when it is happening to someone else, but so hard when we are in the middle of it!!! I am glad you did this and hope you have a nice visit with a well-behaved mother

[guilloche]

Big, huge grin here. Thanks Hvert!