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  #1  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 11:24 AM
Puzzled12 Puzzled12 is offline
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I am ashamed to admit this. I don't really know where to go, except an anonymous forum. I feel really terrible.

Short story. I was very overweight. It sucked. I spent about 8 months working my *** off and dieting. Lost 45 pounds.

I jumped into the online dating game. I chatted up a girl who looked fantastic in her pics. We had a phone conversation and really hit it off. I invited her to a comedy club for some stand-up, and I told her we'd swing by a nearby bar for drinks after. I was really excited.

When I got there I discovered her pics were very old. She's gained probably 80 pounds or so. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She really is a sweetie, even if she did mislead me. So we saw the show and then we went to the bar. I had too many drinks. Shame on me. She asked me if I wanted to come back to her place and smoke a bowl. I agreed.

That was Friday night. I didn't get home until Monday morning.

She wants to see me again tomorrow. I worked so hard to lose weight! I did it so I could have a shot with a slim, pretty girl for once in my rotten life. I feel so cheated. She's a wonderful girl, and if she looked like she did in the pics I'd be wild about her. I just can't do this.

I know I shouldn't have gone home with her. I shouldn't have planned such an elaborate first date. I should have done a low-key lunch date or something like I normally do and spent an hour or two with her, and we could have gone our separate ways without any hurt feelings.

I don't want to hurt her. I think it would be wrong of me to see her tomorrow. I have anxiety and depression issues, and the thought of calling her after work today to break things off is really driving me crazy. I don't know what to do or how to do it.
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  #2  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 11:38 AM
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pegasus pegasus is offline
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Hello Puzzled12, the best thing you can do is to be honest and cut this relationship right now before it gets any deeper. It may hurt her initially but that is better than continuing this. Move on quickly for the sake of both of you.
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  #3  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 11:39 AM
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Webgoji Webgoji is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Puzzled12 View Post
She's a wonderful girl, and if she looked like she did in the pics I'd be wild about her. I just can't do this.
Dude. Really?

It sounds to me like you need to call her and explain that you aren't really ready to start dating again and apologize for leading her on.
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  #4  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 12:02 PM
Puzzled12 Puzzled12 is offline
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What would you have me do? Attraction is important, and it just isn't there. I don't want to be a jerk, and I deeply regret going home with her. I can't change the fact that I'm just not attracted to her.
  #5  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 01:06 PM
Anonymous100168
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It's ok you just had one date with her , just tell her you got a date with someone else it's not like you both agreed to not see other people .

If anything she mislead you and had an old picture up not cool !

Don't feel bad just learn next time you go on a date make it a simple lunch and see how things go .
  #6  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 01:47 PM
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Jan1212 Jan1212 is offline
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If I was the girl, I'd appreciate something like, "I really see you as just friends". Now, than later. Honestly that's not being a jerk. I've had 2 of my friends that said this, and when they saw their dates, they both said they walked away and completely ignored them after that, that's being a jerk, but you aren't a jerk
  #7  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 06:49 PM
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ChipperMonkey ChipperMonkey is offline
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You're not a bad guy for wanting to break things off at this point. Ok, lets say she did in fact look just like her pics. I hate to say this, but even when people present themselves exactly as they are to someone they meet online, its pretty much a crapshoot as to whether or not they'll "click" in person. I've met a number of people online and had FANTASTIC chemistry.....that is, until we met and I ended up saying "no, this isn't going to work...."

So just be honest. Tell her that you don't see a future between the two of you other than friendship. She may be mad, she may feel rejected, but you owe her the truth.

No, its not right that she put up old pics of herself online, so that's on her. (Duh, duh, duh, I mean everyone knows guys are visual creatures, so why lie? They'll find out sooner or later that you're not as you look in your pics!) I'm a BIG stickler for the lying bit, so even though it is about looks, SHE STILL LIED! So not cool. I don't put up with liars, and you shouldn't either.

By the way, I think I know how you feel. My looks have changed quite a bit over the past few years, and I don't want to date people who don't take care of themselves either. Its not about being shallow. If anything, the rest of the world behaved in a shallow manner toward us when we didn't look so good, am I right? I do believe I am... So no shame in wanting a partner who takes care of themselves and looks good.
  #8  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 10:06 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Puzzled12 View Post

That was Friday night. I didn't get home until Monday morning.
What did you do for 60 hours if I may ask?

Sex+sleep+being intoxicated+eating=60 hours? Really?.. I find it hard to believe. You must have been talking with her a lot to fill the remaining hours. I wonder if you are in reality attracted to her, because you did spend 60 hours back-to-back with her and not just 2 hours of drunken sex. I think that you might be deluding yourself. You appear to somehow feel entitled to being with a slim girl as a reward for putting yourself through dieting (be careful, by the way, because most dieters not only regain weight but gain more that they lost, in the long run, so you need to make sure that you are eating enough and exercising; fat is essential, too, to keep you feeling full and to avoid spooking your body even further, or else it might react by gaining weight, being frightened and in a crisis mode). But look around, and you will see happy couples with one person slim and the other person, big, both women and men. That she has gained weight may be due to a number of reasons and in no way means that she does not take good care of herself or is otherwise inferior in any way. Most people, according to reports, do not look the way their pictures on the dating profiles do; she simply is no exception. From now on, make your first date a coffee date, but with this girl, think carefully because the record of spending a whole weekend with her without leaving house argues in favor of the hypothesis that you do like her a lot, but simply have hangups because of your idea that your sacrifices (dieting) need to be rewarded. 60 hours is a lot to spend with a new person non-stop. Actually, even with someone you know well, to be in the same place for 60 hours might be tough. So think through this one carefully. I would simply tell or text her that tomorrow you have a commitment and cannot meet with her to buy yourself some time to think about this.
  #9  
Old Nov 19, 2014, 10:09 PM
Shadix Shadix is offline
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I think you're blowing it out of proportion. You just hooked up with her, it's not like you married her or something. It's not really something to be ashamed of. And if you spent the weekend hooking up with her, you must've been attracted to her on some level. It's pretty normal for guys to have experiences with women they aren't interested in settling down with. I wish I had more of those to be honest.
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  #10  
Old Nov 20, 2014, 08:28 AM
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Neptune83 Neptune83 is offline
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You've only been on one date with her, even if it was a long one.
It's a shame because you clearly get on well, but physical attraction is important to many (it is to me as well).
If you're not physically attracted to her it's not exactly going to go very far.
Just be honest, but not brutal. Just tell her that you had a nice time but you're not ready for dating. Or you could say that although you had a nice time, you don't feel you clicked in THAT way. Don't tell her you want to be friends because it can lead to false hope, seen it happen too many times.

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  #11  
Old Nov 20, 2014, 08:42 AM
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Neptune83 Neptune83 is offline
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Also may I point out - ok she's not skinny, but who's to say she won't be in a year? When I met my husband I was a good four plus stone overweight. I'm now currently (four years later) smaller than I've ever been, at least since I was a teenager.
If you like her personality, can you not at all see past her weight? You lost weight, why is it impossible for her too? Just putting that out there...

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  #12  
Old Nov 20, 2014, 01:19 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Originally Posted by Nature1968 View Post
If anything she mislead you and had an old picture up not cool !
Since most people present good pictures of them on dating sites, and many of those pics are old, if she becomes one of the very few to post the most up-to-date picture, she would be at a comparative disadvantage vis-a-vis people who post older pictures. She is entitled to a level-playing field.
  #13  
Old Nov 20, 2014, 03:39 PM
Anonymous100168
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
Since most people present good pictures of them on dating sites, and many of those pics are old, if she becomes one of the very few to post the most up-to-date picture, she would be at a comparative disadvantage vis-a-vis people who post older pictures. She is entitled to a level-playing field.
Ok that is fair but knowing she is going to meet someone in person she should of at least say .. " oh by the way this pic of me was taken X years ago so I have changed a bit just to give you heads up when we meet " this way when he meets her in person he knows what to expect .
You know what I mean ?
  #14  
Old Nov 20, 2014, 04:52 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature1968 View Post
Ok that is fair but knowing she is going to meet someone in person she should of at least say .. " oh by the way this pic of me was taken X years ago so I have changed a bit just to give you heads up when we meet " this way when he meets her in person he knows what to expect .
You know what I mean ?
Yes, that would have been reasonable!
  #15  
Old Nov 20, 2014, 06:53 PM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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I'm seriously confused...


How on earth did you not only manage to hook up with her on Friday night, but continue to do so throughout the entire weekend, only returning home on Monday...


Without an iota of attraction?


Can men really screw anything that moves?


I always thought that was a false, gender bashing accusation...

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Last edited by Trippin2.0; Nov 20, 2014 at 09:48 PM.
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  #16  
Old Nov 21, 2014, 07:36 AM
BobbyDavis BobbyDavis is offline
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I have to agree with this post by hamster-bamster

Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
What did you do for 60 hours if I may ask?

Sex+sleep+being intoxicated+eating=60 hours? Really?.. I find it hard to believe. You must have been talking with her a lot to fill the remaining hours. I wonder if you are in reality attracted to her, because you did spend 60 hours back-to-back with her and not just 2 hours of drunken sex. I think that you might be deluding yourself. You appear to somehow feel entitled to being with a slim girl as a reward for putting yourself through dieting (be careful, by the way, because most dieters not only regain weight but gain more that they lost, in the long run, so you need to make sure that you are eating enough and exercising; fat is essential, too, to keep you feeling full and to avoid spooking your body even further, or else it might react by gaining weight, being frightened and in a crisis mode). But look around, and you will see happy couples with one person slim and the other person, big, both women and men. That she has gained weight may be due to a number of reasons and in no way means that she does not take good care of herself or is otherwise inferior in any way. Most people, according to reports, do not look the way their pictures on the dating profiles do; she simply is no exception. From now on, make your first date a coffee date, but with this girl, think carefully because the record of spending a whole weekend with her without leaving house argues in favor of the hypothesis that you do like her a lot, but simply have hangups because of your idea that your sacrifices (dieting) need to be rewarded. 60 hours is a lot to spend with a new person non-stop. Actually, even with someone you know well, to be in the same place for 60 hours might be tough. So think through this one carefully. I would simply tell or text her that tomorrow you have a commitment and cannot meet with her to buy yourself some time to think about this.
You sound like an egomaniac to be honest and just because you lost weight and you are thinner than your current girlfriend does not mean you are better than her. That would basically be like me telling everyone I am better than all my friends because I have a great job and earn more money than them and therefore should only be friends with people that earn as much money as me. Try losing the ego mate because you might regret this decision one day further down the road. If you really like this girl and she is everything you say she is but her weight is a problem for you then why don’t you sit down and have a serious conversation with her about it. You could help her lose the weight just by inviting her to exercise with you. I have friends who have helped their husbands lose weight over the years and they didn’t leave them because they put on a few kilos.
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  #17  
Old Nov 21, 2014, 10:06 AM
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ptangptang ptangptang is offline
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I don't mean to be nasty but you come across as a bit shallow. You must have been attracted to her to spend the WHOLE weekend with her, whatever you were doing If this girl is sweet, and a wonderful girl who you would stay with in a shot were she not overweight, i would hold on to her before someone else comes along and pinches her. You know what mate, you may not be such a great catch yourself. Losing all that weight doesn't mean you are now entitled to have your pick of the girls. Stay with her and work with her to lose the weight. On second thougts, she probably deserves better. Let her find a better man.
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hamster-bamster, Trippin2.0, ~Christina
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