[LovesShelly]

Hello everyone,

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months now and have known each other for well over a year. Throughout this time parts of her past have come up. Although I do not have her full story, I do have enough of it to realize I am not sure how to help.

My girlfriend had a rough childhood. Both her parents were abusive. Her mother beat her and pretty much neglected her. Her mother no longer talks to her.
Her father is the devil hiding in the body of a man. Beating her was the kinder of his evils. He raped her (repeatedly from what I understand) and forced her older brother to rape her as well. He took her to bars and strip clubs when she was younger (less than 14 years old). He is currently in jail (I don't know why) and he calls all the time to talk to her step-mom. Sometimes when he calls she talks to him (I don't understand why).

I wish more than anything in the world that I could change her past, just take away her pain. I'd trade places with her in a heart beat if given the chance.
Sadly I can't.

Since our relationship has become much more serious, sex has recently been brought up.
We were about to have sex today when she began to pull away. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that, because of what her dad did to her, she is uncomfortable with sex. I felt a little guilty because I thought I had pushed her too far. I told her that she needed to talked to me about this stuff and tell me if I accidently push too far. She agreed, but I'm not sure she will talk to me.

I have never been in her situation and I don't know what she's going through. I really want to be able to help her in some way. And I'm not sure if what I told her today will help or not

Some advice would be so helpful right now.

Thank you,
Shelly

My advice would be get her in some kind of therapy or counseling

[LovesShelly]

Nature,
She is in therapy and has been for some time.
Her therapist recently said that she is doing a lot better since me and her started dating actually.

Do you go with her to see the T ?

[LovesShelly]

Nature,
No, I haven't. I have been wanting to, but I don't want to force myself into her personal life. I'm hoping that she will ask me to join her one day.

I think sex is going to be out of the question for a very long time ...That is a " trigger " for her .

[LovesShelly]

I realized that today, and I'm okay with it. Sex isn't too big a need for me.
I'm much more worried about her and making sure that she's alright and feels safe with me.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LovesShelly

I'm much more worried about her and making sure that she's alright and feels safe with me.

THAT IS a reasonable attitude. The OP sounded a bit too much on the white knight side of things, but this message is spot on. Actually not quite spot on.

All you can do is apply reasonable efforts towards her being alright and feeling safe with you. You cannot change her past, cannot be her counselor, etc. So "make sure" - no, you cannot make sure. If you expect making sure of yourself, you might already consider this enterprise a complete failure and might as well part ways with her on cordial terms right away.

You demonstrate a slight bit of B&W thinking when you say that you do not understand why she talks to her dad when he phones her from his jail cell. You seem to be a little too much of the "either or" conviction, but, hopefully, you will mature soon to appreciate the complexity of human relationships. Plus, you have never been in her shoes. You do not have a dad who is in jail. You really cannot imagine how it would be in her shoes. So stay out of it as much as possible, focus on today, and let her and her counselor figure things out. If she does not invite you to a joint session, so be it - her private past is her private past. That the counselor commented positively on your gf's progress since you guys began dating is good news, but much more progress would need to be made because so much early trauma happened in the life of your gf.

Make sure you continue being engaged in the activities you enjoy. Make sure you do not become a rescuer. You still have your own life and path.

[Rose76]

I hope both you and your girlfriend are over the age of 18 . . . and have a plan for not getting pregnant.

I would agree with you that her continued involvement with this father is not a healthy thing. Living with her step mom is probably not too healthy, but maybe she has no where else to go. That's very unfortunate. I would have thought and hoped that her past victimization would entitle her to assistance to not have to live in her father's household.

She's lucky to be cared for by a guy who puts her welfare ahead of other things. Sex may be something she needs to experience in a secure environment. That's hard to have while she's living where she's living. For now, just take everything real slow.

[PennyD]

I don't think that you can ever get her over her past. I think you can help and be there for her as a partner and someone who will care and listen which is so, so great. But something like that, it's dependent on the person who has gone through the trauma. She's going to be the one to talk to someone- a therapist, psychologist, a recovery group. She's going to have to take action. As much as you want someone to overcome their struggles, you can't do it for them. You can lead the horse to the water, but you can't make them drink it. So just be wise, and just be careful, and try not to get too tangled up- but let her know you care and suggest some healthy, helpful resources for her. That's the best thing to do. And she will appreciate it so much I am sure.