[TheWanderingSoul]

I met him online when I was still in a relationship with my ex boyfriend. We had a very passionless dead relationship for the last 3 years and were talking of mutually breaking up all the time. When I bumped into my present guy online, I felt like I had found my soulmate. There was an extremely strong pull that I couldn't explain. I had never felt so strongly for anyone so quickly before. And I hadn't even so much as seen his photo. We were only chatting and I was smitten. So I expressed my feelings to him and he reciprocated. I broke up with my ex.

At that moment, we were only chatting and talking over the phone as it was long distance. He was from the same city as mine but was away for work for a few months. We used to talk all night. I was however in a bit of a turmoil with a fresh break up and what not. One day, i went to a party and happened to meet this guy I sort of had a connection with for a few years. I was a bit drunk and we kissed. The next day, I told my online boyfriend (?) about the incident. I am not sure why I did that. I wasn't sure if we were even in a relationship. But that was the moment everything changed. I tried explaining that the guy I kissed wasn't a bad person taking advantage of me and it just happened. He took it as me defending that guy and the kiss. He kept bringing that up every now and then, getting filled with rage. There were some times I just happened to mention a bit of intimate stuff about my exes. That started to really tick him off. He started exploding on calls, calling me all kinds of bad names, verbally abusing me. I am scared that what if this turns into physical violence some day.

He is 32 and I am 29 and in our country, it is extremely crucial that we get married now and there is a lot of pressure from everyone. He saw me as someone he wanted to marry from day one. I kind of felt that too but it takes me time to be completely serious. Anyway, I tried to be more careful with mentioning the exes. But I have been in relationships most of my life so it is bound to slip. He started getting mad at stuff like me not wanting to be the boss of each other's money after marriage. Or me wanting to keep a cook. Or me having male friends. He started having issues with my boldness, me cracking adult jokes with guy friends. And I am the kind of person who hardly has any friends and meets them once every 3-4 months and stays home all the time.

Now we fight and break up every 3-4 days. We mostly just talk over phone as he avoids meeting me for the fear of making memories. He thinks he is very emotional and he doesn't want to get too attached for the fear of a really bad heart break. When we fight, he skips work, drinks day and night, verbally abuses me over phone and texts. Lately, I have started losing patience and I say demeaning stuff back too. I have tried to be there for him as much as I can. Tried to be respectful, give him space, spent days trying to figure out how I could make him happy.

Around the time we first met, he lost most of his savings in a bad investment. He then decided to move closer to my house, spent around a month or more fixing his place and is living all alone. He says that all of that is making him very depressed. He also blames me for his depression and bad health. Every time I try to explain myself, he thinks I am arguing. I have been sticking around thinking that I screwed up a lot and maybe if I somehow makeup for it, things will be better and he won't be abusive. We have talked about going to a therapist too together. He says that he was never like this with any of his exes and all these fights are draining him a lot. I know he loves me a lot and I do too. I can see that he is probably depressed. But I am not sure if it is worth it and if he will ever accept me and stop abusing me. What do I do?

[jelly-bean]

The decision is yours but if you are having so much trouble now and can not work things out then I don't think marriage is going to work for you.

[~Christina]

Why on earth would you even bother with him?

Seems there is No respect in this "relationship" You are a person not a doormat.

Save yourself a lot of grief and just walk away from this mess.

Welcome to PC

[Crazy Hitch]

He won't stop unless he commits to extensive counseling.

Until then don't comit to anything long term.

You can do more damage to yourself in the long run.

He can't change on his own.

He needs help.

And you deserve better treatment.

[TheWanderingSoul]

Thank you so much for your reply guys.

Why I have been trying so hard is because I see great potential in our relationship. We are both very artsy (I am an artist), spiritually inclined, we both have deep interest in trying to learn human psychology, we're both very passionate, dreamy and romantic. When we are doing good, it is like magic.

Both of us come from abusive families. My dad is an alcoholic and a verbal abuser, his dad is violent and abusive with his mom. So I have a soft spot for him for what he has been through his entire life. I deeply understand that what he is really looking for is to be loved and somehow I haven't been able to show him that I truly love him. I tend to always defend myself whenever he disagrees with something I do. For eg., I watch porn on occasions and he asked me not to. I tried to make him understand and defend it. I am not sure if it is the right or the wrong approach but this is how it has been. He says that I always feel the need to argue and can never give in to him for the sake of love even once without any defense.

He does try to make my life better too. He encourages me to study further, do better in my work as I tend to procrastinate a lot and be very lazy, make more friends, exercise, take care of my health. He even left his old house and moved to a very far away location just so he could be closer to me.

On one hand, I see that he loves me a lot. On the other hand, he has this tendency of exploding on me which makes me sometimes fear him. It is like he is two very different people. I don't know if he is behaving this way because of his depression and can genuinely get better with help or if he is going to be like this forever.

[Fuzzybear]

[Creamsickle]

Exes are part of everyone's life. I was once with someone for years who had trouble with my male friends. He never changed but I continued to hold onto my male friends (hey they were part of my life before him). I found my guy too controlling and he was even jealous of time I spent with my family. Needless to say, my relationship did not work out. I don't like anyone trying to control my life. I had to break it off and it was a difficult thing for me to do. I wish I had never stayed with him as long as I did. I believe in having faith in someone but after giving it many years, the writing was on the wall. If he doesn't understand (or allow) you to keep your male friends then I would say to walk away now. My guy would "say" he was ok with my male friend but would not let me see him and then I started sneaking around to talk to him. The reigns kept getting tighter and tighter. He presented a front like "ok I can understand" but he really didn't. He never got my male friends. I think because he never had any female friends. He relied solely on me for everything. Didn't have a male friend he could talk to either. Just letting you know my story so you can make comparisons. If your guy relies totally on you for ALL support, All friendship and love....well you have to make your decision if you are willing to give up everything for them. It took me a long time and it may take you long as well but keep your wits about you for the signs.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I am going to be blunt. Get away from him. I have been exactly there and did get married to him. Went through a lot to make it happen because he is from another country. I met him online. I'd describe our relationship just as you did. It was magic when it was good.

In the end, I almost killed myself to get out of the relationship. Luckily I failed, went IP, asked him to get help too but he wouldn't. I divorced him.

You deserve better than that.

[TheWanderingSoul]

Thank you Creamsickle for sharing your story. In my case, he has a couple of female friends he talks to on and off. One is an ex colleague who was into him and is now married. Other is his friend's wife. He has a lot of guy friends and hangs out with their wives and girlfriends. He says that all of his friends think I am not serious about him. Says that it isn't so much of me having male friends, but me not being able to make him feel special that bothers him so much. I am not the kind of person who gets jealous easily. At times he playfully tries to call some random girl hot to make me feel jealous and I instead join him in calling the girl hot too. He then says I am too boring. He does say that he hasn't had too many female friends and hasn't met anyone who is so bold and open minded like me. He doesn't rely on me for all the support as we haven't been meeting too often. Although he does say he really wants to see me going out, making friends, meeting people. He has a good job, is quite self sufficient and has friends. But he is living alone in a new place that is kind of far from crowd. And he works from home. So he tends to get really lonely all day.

Achy Turtle Armor, thank you for your honesty. May I ask if it ever got to physical violence? Were the fights very frequent? He seems to really want to end all the fights and is very interested in getting help and trying to make the relationship better. He says he can't imagine living life fighting like this either.
Btw, this Daughter song is probably one of my favorite songs in the world and that line is just killer. It was playing in my head when I read your signature.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by TheWanderingSoul

Achy Turtle Armor, thank you for your honesty. May I ask if it ever got to physical violence? Were the fights very frequent? He seems to really want to end all the fights and is very interested in getting help and trying to make the relationship better. He says he can't imagine living life fighting like this either.
Btw, this Daughter song is probably one of my favorite songs in the world and that line is just killer. It was playing in my head when I read your signature.

He punched me in the shoulder once, five in quick succession. It left a nasty bruise and I told him that I would leave if he did it again. Other than that he threw things a couple of times. My ex would not get help. That is something that you have that I didn't. In the end when I told him "any kind of help or divorce" I'm glad he chose divorce because I don't think he would've stuck with it.

[Trippin2.0]

I once dated potential, worst mistake ever.

I learned the hard way that its best to find a complete person so to speak, a partner who already is what you want and need, instead of someone who could be, if only he tried, or you tried, etc.

Potential was just like your bf, things could be magical, addictive, but soon he tried to control me, tried getting rid of my male friends, then started trying to tell me what to wear!

Huge red flags, just like your bf is waving about for the world to see. But I too was blinded by potential and soldiered on. Thinking he would come around, if I behaved differently, if I improved, if I wasn't so stubborn and listened to him more, instead of argue every single point.

Potential ended up beating me to a pulp, that's why I left him and will never ever date any type of potential ever again.

I now have a complete BF, thank God.

My advice? Run, far and fast, marriage is a very BAD idea. From what you've written it looks like:

He will isolate you and control you, any attempts to stand up for yourself will be met with rages about you being argumentative and disrespectful. He sees you more as an errant prized possession, not a treasured equal partner. Eventually your value will deplete though, then, well then hopefully you don't end up like me with black eyes and bruised ribs.

Run, please don't get married to someone because you have stuff in common, there are billions of people on Earth, lots of them will share the same interests as you.


Ps. Your boldness is a thing of wander to him now, but it could ultimately be his undoing, since he already has issues with it.


Potential thought my independence was sexy in the beginning, he had never had such a strong willed and independent gf before.


But in the end I got beaten up for independence, for not needing him financially. Yes, that's why I was beaten to a pulp.

[Yoda]

Don't think that he will change; he most likely won't.

I was in an abusive relationship and I understand when you say he is like two different people. My BF was that way too and it was very confusing because I do believe he really loved me and was often kind and supportive BUT the abuse got worse after it started despite trying to help him change by therapy and later by filing assault charges and getting a restraining order.

Please end this relationship. I am sorry he had a difficult upbringing but that doesn't make it okay for him to abuse you. It doesn't make it okay and it isn't going to change.

[TheWanderingSoul]

Achy Turtle Armor and Trippin2.0, I am really sorry to know that things got to physical violence. I understand that it must be one of the worst experiences to see the person you love turn on you in such a horrible way. This is what I am afraid of too.

We just talked over the phone. He said I make him behave the way he does and that he is trying to move on and is never getting back. He says he can still go to therapy but just to understand what went wrong but that I shouldn't have any hopes as we are never getting back together again.

This may be a blessing in disguise. I just hope he doesn't call me to apologize and get back together because then I usually tend to melt and give in.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by TheWanderingSoul

Achy Turtle Armor and Trippin2.0, I am really sorry to know that things got to physical violence. I understand that it must be one of the worst experiences to see the person you love turn on you in such a horrible way. This is what I am afraid of too.

We just talked over the phone. He said I make him behave the way he does and that he is trying to move on and is never getting back. He says he can still go to therapy but just to understand what went wrong but that I shouldn't have any hopes as we are never getting back together again.

This may be a blessing in disguise. I just hope he doesn't call me to apologize and get back together because then I usually tend to melt and give in.

Stay strong. I wish the best for you.

This was given to me at the women's shelter and it really made a difference for me knowing I had these rights...

[PennyD]

It sounds like you aren't in a healthy relationship. Especially when you mention breaking up every 3-4 days, not wanting to meet to not create memories- I don't see anything getting better from here. it seems like he has an extreme anger issue and he isn't able to control his emotions in a mature manner, and he's dumping all his emotions out on you and taking it out the complete wrong way. I don't want you to be in a situation where you feel stuck or where you feel like you have nowhere to turn. I understand marriage is a very important thing in your country, but would you rather be stuck with somebody who is verbally and emotionally abusive (and possibly physically) or find someone who you can have a healthy connection with and feel happy and loved? Just think about it, write down your thoughts. have you thought of seeing a therapist? it can really help sort out your thoughts and feelings as well as what you want to do from here. There IS hope. Hold on, and stay strong. Everything will be okay.