[PackerLover88]

My fiancé wants to take a guys weekend to a place where there isn't much besides half naked women, drinking, and motorcycles. I love Harley's and we used to go to bike rallies together. Now he says that I cannot go and that he is going to make it a guys weekend. I hate him going on vacations without me as I am a stay at home mom and he already travels for work.

Do people agree or disagree with seperate vacations?!

When I tell my husband I need a vacation separate this it's because I need a break away from him .
So your fiancé is saying it in a nicer way " guys weekend "

[hvert]

I don't mind separate vacations. If my boyfriend wants to visit with old male friends, I'd just as soon he went by himself.

Is your fiance taking care of the kids so you can have your own girl's weekend?

[healingme4me]

It would seem appropriate, if he's returning, the favor.

And if these vacation plans, include couple time as a third vacation.

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[PackerLover88]

I have yet to go on a girls vacation. He tells me if I want to go on a vacation (even to go home to visit family), I need to get a job because he isn't going to pay for it...and I would have to either take my daughter and our two dogs or find and pay for babysitters.

[PackerLover88]

Also, the last trip he went on without me was right after we moved in together and he was separated from his ex-wife and waiting for the divorce to become finalized and he cheated on me...and didn't tell me for a year that it happened--so my trust with him has already been kind of broken!

thats a tough one. i think id be the same way as you honestly. have you told him how you feel about that whole thing & what did he say? maybe try & have a movie night with some girlfriends or something when he goes, get your mind off of it

[PackerLover88]

The problem is we recently moved to a different state, so my friends list hasn't started to form quiet yet. I have talked to him about it and he makes me feel horrible for a) wanting to go b) mad that he's saying "I cannot go" which makes me feel like he's hiding something and c) he wants to go with his friends who womanized/cheat on their SO!

[Bill3]

What do you love about him?

[ChipperMonkey]

Why are you with him? Why is it HIS money and not both of yours, given that you're a stay at home mom? Do you have to beg him for money? He sounds like a jerk.

[hamster-bamster]

You are a stay home mom of which child? His or some other man's? If your child is not his, then just call it quits ASAP. If the child is his, then maybe there is a point in trying to make it work. His vacation plan has made a lot of hidden resentments come up to the surface in you - listen to those signals!

I don't understand he is still married and wants to marry you and he cheated on you ?
What is the rush in marriage clearly this guys is a jumper and he will jump to the next woman just like he is doing to his ex wife .

If this is what you want for your future then your going to be hurt and very unhappy but non of us can make you see this you have to see this on your own .

What dose your family feel about this guy ?
I am sure they are upset as they can not see you if your a stay at home mom and not working to be able to take a trip .

This just seems like a death trap do you not see it ?

[PackerLover88]

I love him for many reasons. He's very outgoing (which I am not), and adventurous. He's funny, and romantic, and loves to cuddle. He's got a big heart--loves everyone. He's an amazing father. He's taken me away from my awful life/past in the last state we were in. He's giving me a beautiful daughter. He (says) he tried to deal with my issues (I was diagnosed with bipolar, but later found out I was misdiagnosed and it's actually PTSD) but he's not good at it...his answer to most of my emotional issues is "get over it", and "stop blaming your childhood".

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by PackerLover88

I love him for many reasons. He's very outgoing (which I am not), and adventurous. He's funny, and romantic, and loves to cuddle. He's got a big heart--loves everyone. He's an amazing father. He's taken me away from my awful life/past in the last state we were in. He's giving me a beautiful daughter. He (says) he tried to deal with my issues (I was diagnosed with bipolar, but later found out I was misdiagnosed and it's actually PTSD) but he's not good at it...his answer to most of my emotional issues is "get over it", and "stop blaming your childhood".

I hope this helps. Your baby daddy is demonstrating to your daughter that amazing fatherhood involves emotionally neglecting mommy, keeping mommy a housebound slave, and insulting and punishing mommy when mommy is feeling ill. I say find a way to cobble together the money to leave and go back home where you can hopefully find childcare while you go about learning how to be self-supporting. There are always men out there who want to "cuddle."

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by PackerLover88

My fiancé wants to take a guys weekend to a place where there isn't much besides half naked women, drinking, and motorcycles. I love Harley's and we used to go to bike rallies together. Now he says that I cannot go and that he is going to make it a guys weekend. I hate him going on vacations without me as I am a stay at home mom and he already travels for work.

Do people agree or disagree with seperate vacations?!

out of context it's hard to say. In and of itself it' healthy and good to have separate times from each other, but I'm not of a couple things.

first you mention a bunch of half naked women and drinking, I don't know if that's from your own insecurities or based on anything he's made you think that there's a risk there or not. without context i can't tell.

Secondly the fact that you used to go to rallies together and now he says no to you going making it a guys' weekend without any explanation as to why that's the case, makes me curious... again without context it's hard to say.

I would ask nicely for him to give you some kind of reason he wants this time alone, even if it's something like wanting time away from you for a bit, that's not a bad thing necessarily either. It would just be a nice thing if he'd give a little bit of an explanation or reassurances for you.

Again though a "guys weekend" isn't out of the ordinary or wrong in and of itself.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by PackerLover88

I have yet to go on a girls vacation. He tells me if I want to go on a vacation (even to go home to visit family), I need to get a job because he isn't going to pay for it...and I would have to either take my daughter and our two dogs or find and pay for babysitters.

Excuse me?(not you, him)

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[hamster-bamster]

PL88, the problem seems to be in your own outlook. The title of your thread, before I opened it, conjured up the following image in my mind:

- a tenured married couple
- enough money for separate vacations
- grew apart over the years
- different interests have developed
- the issue is whether to take separate vacations or not.

Then I opened the thread.

And found out that he wants to take a vacation but you cannot due to money issues.

So the issue is NOT separate vacations. Since you cannot take a vacation due to money shortage, the plural-making "s" in "vacations" in the title of your thread does not have the right to exist.

A correct title ("correct" in the sense of "capturing the issue") could be: "I cannot take a vacation because I cannot afford one and am housebound and my partner can afford a vacation and is not housebound - how would you feel if you were in my shoes about letting him take a vacation without me and our child?"

Obviously, this is way too long for a thread title, but at least it captures the issue.

Your not calling a spade a spade even on an anonymous public form seems to me to mean that in RL you are used to sugarcoating your reality in your conversations about your living arrangement with 3rd parties and sort of covering up for him. That, in turn, makes me think that he is somewhat emotionally abusive of you, and that you, as a victim of emotional abuse, identify with the perpetrator and defend him in everybody else's eyes. Using the example of this thread's title, you defended your partner preemptively, before anybody tried to say that his conduct ain't cool.

I have been in your shoes - the situation was vastly different on the subject matter (content) side, but I used to defend the conduct of my egregiously abusive ex husband in talking to my friends in RL and in talking about him on this forum. I have been told by one of my friends in RL who was among the people who tried to get through to me and open my eyes (unsuccessfully, at that time, but boy did he try) to read up on the Stockholm syndrome and identification with the aggressor. I have not done that reading yet, but I want to pass my good friend's suggestion forward to you - maybe you can read up on the Stockholm syndrome and see if you find anything that rings true.

Another similarity that triggers my radar which by now is very fine-tuned is that you say that HE IS GIVING YOU a beautiful daughter. You contributed half of her genes and carried and birthed and nursed her and are probably contributing more than 1/2 of childrearing, and he is GIVING YOU a beautiful daughter?? Plus, a daughter is a human being with her own rights and path in life; she is not an object and your husband cannot give you a daughter. There is an idiomatic expression "give HIM a child" which is endearing, a little old-fashioned, but not nonsensical - since the role of the mother in childbearing is far greater than the role of the father, it is appropriate and idiomatic, in some situations, to say that a woman gave her man a baby. I have never EVER heard the reverse. I think the guy has totally brainwashed you and has established control of your mind. That you talk about your awful past and how he rescued you makes my radar beep yet louder and louder. In his mind, he rescued you, tried to deal with your issues, gave you a beautiful daughter, speaks of himself as amazing, and he instilled these beliefs in you. This is very dangerous - he is controlling your mind. You are focusing on superficial things - motorcycles, half-naked women, etc. - whereas you are a victim of a charming antisocial manipulator who has managed to thoroughly strip you of a sense of your own worth. The core of the relationship is totally rotten and the rotting is very deep; motorcycles and half-naked women are nowhere near that rotting core. Still, that those superficial facts made you come here and ask this question was a lucky event, because as you probably are seeing on the thread, most people do not buy that your partner is an amazing man.

To preempt a misunderstanding, let me note that I use the word "antisocial" in its proper meaning, as a term from psychology - an antisocial person is a charming manipulator without regard for the feelings and rights of others who is never hesitant to dodge responsibility and break societal rules as long as there is no negative consequences to the manipulator himself or herself. "antisocial" does not mean "asocial", so that he is outgoing is fully consistent with his being antisocial. I am spelling it out because I see, again and again, how people say that they are antisocial whereas they are not antisocial at all - they are introverted, asocial, shy, schizoid, but not antisocial.

[PennyD]

Do you trust him? I think that each relationship is different. If you trust him to go on a vacation, maybe that's all that it is, a break- a vacation to relax. But if you're worried, is it something he's done in the past that makes you not want him to go? I would write down your thoughts or think about it for a little bit before approaching him and maybe having a conversation about it. Either way, everything will be okay. Just stay strong!!