[htebsiL radnalaS]

Hi. Three year relationship is over. My part is I let my @$&#ing fears get in the way. He got tired and left. I feel damned and cursed. He was the first I trusted as much as I did. The first I felt safe with and protected and felt I was first in his life. These are all things I've never ever felt before but as hard as I worked on it my fears have killed this. I know he is far from perfect. That brings me comfort for a brief second. Then I remember how long it took me to find him and how my fears wore him out, waiting for me. Now too late I hear clearly how much he wanted me with him. So much regret it makes me nauseous. I sleep.

I'll never find another like him where I feel all those wonderful things. It took so long to find him. I don't have another 50 years. I'm 51. My life over. And I have failed to have a successful relationship. I am disgusted with myself. I have less than zero energy to deal with day to day life. No real friends or family or kids. Friends I habitually leave when I get disappointed. Family is toxic. I have a dog and resent having to get up from bed to take her out. Occasionally she makes me laugh but she seems clueless when I sob and offers no direct comfort.

I know words like never and always are unproductive. I know literally my life is not over. I know I can meet another when I am ready. I know there are others like me in their 50s and single. I know it could be worse. I could be of poor health. I could be living somewhere where it isn't sunny all the time. (Tho right now, gloomy weather matches me and sunny weather just makes me feel the weight of all this more.) I could not have a good reliable car. I could not be renting a cute little house. I could not get a disability income. Thinking of the Golden Girls t.v. is comforting. Still. None of it matters because I can't accept my reality, my loss. I know that each person I've been in relationship with has been a huge improvement on the last. That gives me some hope. Still. It's not him. I want him.

[mountain human]

Sorry for your loss! A broken heart in middle age is especially painful it seems. Time heals all wounds of course (don't mean to sound trite).

[marjan]

I'm sorry. I'm going through the same. I'm going to make decision to leave this relationship. It won't go anywhere and I'm hoping to find another one.

Stay strong. Generate hope in your heart. Love doesn't have age and he's not the last man in the world.

I know it's easier to say that than doing it. I'm in the same boat. I think he's the last person, but when he's mistreating me while he has so many issues and money problems and kids, then I know I'm wrong. He's not the last man in my life.

God give both of us lots of courage to let them go. It didn't mean to be, so let him go. let him go.

M.

[Pikku Myy]

Snuggles you I am banging my head against the wall dating at age 50 again. Not easy.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

(WARNING: Super long & winding stream of consciousness)

Thank you for your helpful replies, Pinky, Marjan, and Mountain.

So a week in limbo and today is a good day. I have given myself permission to think positive empowering thoughts. I remember now how each time I think I'm going to die or want to die because of something very painful, in hindsight I'm ALWAYS a better person for it. If it doesn't kill me, it ALWAYS makes me stronger. It's definitely breaking a bad habit by choosing positive empowering thoughts! Feels so foreign.

It is sad that the way I was treated as a kid kept me still guarded and mistrusting at this age in this relationship. It will be sad if I lost him bc I was taking too long despite my intense inner work.

He IS only the first person i've gotten this close to.
I am a victim of the child abuse and respect its intensity and depth of damage.
That I feel damned and cursed if I lose him makes sense.
I know others that were abused and they only managed to stay alive by spending their adult life, decades, in a mental hospital. That's my brother.
I feel much clearer about my boundaries with my parents. If they had shown accountability and attempted change, everything would be different.
Yes I can accept they did the best they could, blah, blah, but it doesn't mean I'm going to continue feeling any angst over the distance between us.
If I lose this man then it is more about him than anything I did. Perspective : I'm moving from a place I've lived in for 15 years. He is far from perfect and I used what I disliked to keep me comfortably hesitant/cautious. We moved him up there, out of state, only 8 months ago.
There was never any due date for my move date. If anything, the date kept moving up the more I missed him.
There were several circumstances that interrupted/affected our plans these past 8 months. Yes he WAS there alone thru all of it. Yes, I accept how that prob made him pull even more inward than usual. He IS awkward with feelings, his and mine. Very masculine, which I am attracted to strongly, so I accept both sides of that coin.
So in the process of surviving some very tough events alone, his feelings for me and our relationship became annoying and he became detached. A man in survival mode alone with a girlfriend in another state, wanting to talk about "us."
He knew something was wrong within but wasn't sure what. But realized he had to tell me something bc I was feeling his distance and it was messing with me.
So he wanted some time and space.
I gave it to him with complete understanding. I wrote a letter holding myself accountable for all I could. And he appreciated my words.
And today he said he'd call and I'm ready. Yes it's sad the if I lose him over this. But perspective: I didn't have an affair, I didn't betray him... I simply dragged my feet getting ready to move. I was finally ready this month... but... timing.
So as I faced this week losing him maybe, suddenly my perspective shifted: so he has this habit or that character that triggers me, so what?! He is the first I've trusted this much, felt important to, felt protected and safe, ntm physical relations are yum. And I believe I needed this experience to take with me on the move. Without it we would have been doomed probably. I've become much more committed and confidant with us.

So. IF he doesn't want to stay together -I will be very sad and grieve- (or if he even wants to extend this limbo - I won't/can't) I choose to believe it's HIS fears blocking us if he drops us. I will remember that ours is the longest relationship he has ever had; most ONLY a few months. I choose to believe that THAT is significant.
What I HAVE learned or what HAS shifted in me are:
-enough with fears and doubts. Jump in or walk away.
-the critical in my head about him are no different than the ones I hear from him. Deal with it. Get tougher. Enough with taking things personally. And I'm no better.
-if he chooses us after all this recent = he really really does love and want me and he really is for me and I can relax all my guards. I'll remember that this is as good as it gets because we are all broken humans. And hold on to the good as it is.
There is one thing I'll reply with if he says he can't stay with me: "if/when you remember and feel the love you have for me, look me up". (It's my way of planting my seed, still hopeful, and saying what I believe without imposing: I believe in his love and desire for me and that he has only stuffed his feelings down in order to function during some difficult events. When he gets stable again he'll hopefully be able to access those feelings. But I will be hopeful without sitting around waiting)