[MisterUnderstood]

I don't know if this forum is specifically intimate relationships, but I need some help with my mother. I don't know what to do. She won't listen to anyone else (psychiatrists, psychologists, a social worker) and I can't deal with it anymore. She constantly gets into fights with me and I feel like I get closer and closer to just ending my relationship with her. No talking or anything. I'm only 17 (18 in mid-August), so I can't leave the house and I can't do anything at all without her consent. I've been hospitalized three times for attempted suicide, and two out of the three, they wanted to medicate me. She refused to give consent, and I ended up as miserable as when I went in. The social worker that DCF sends weekly tells her to go to family counseling and individual therapy for both of us. She tells me that it's my problem and that I'm the only one who needs therapy. I can't take it anymore. I'm so sick of her nagging, I'm sick of her telling me that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just spoiled, and I'm sick of dealing with her. What do I do? All of my family sides with her just so she'll shut up and stop whining, so I can't move in with any of them because although it'll be less drama, I'll still end up on nothing. I used to be on a couple meds, and tbh I probably felt the most sane on Wellbutrin, but I made a deal with her to quit meds in exchange for her quitting pot (a promise she broke within 2 weeks). Does anyone have any advice for dealing with her? And for the record, I can't ask my father because he won't go against her because she'll rage at him, so he just agrees to shut her up too. I just don't know what to do anymore..

[~Christina]

Are you given time alone with the DCF worker at all ? or is it always with mommy dearest there???

If you don't have time to be honest and let DCF know what is really going on.. Write it all down and slip the note to her ,like passing notes in a classroom. Or just call the worker directly and be 100% honest about your living situation. There are options.

Keep fighting for yourself.

[guilloche]

Oh wow. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, MisterUnderstood. You deserve better, really.

Unfortunately, as you probably know already, I don't think there's anything you can do to change your mom. I like Christina's ideas about talking to your DCF worker... especially if your mom is still smoking pot (assuming you're not in a state where that's legal).

Are you getting any type of counseling or therapy through DCF, or are they just monitoring the situation? Do you have access to a therapist through your school? Do you work at all on the side (I'm wondering if there's a chance you could find a therapist with a sliding scale fee who could help you, outside of school, if that doesn't work for you).

Please, please hang in there. It's an awful place to be in (not being able to move out, having nowhere to go, and having parents that aren't really sane or competent as parents). It's similar to what I grew up with. My salvation was just making it through to 18 and getting out of the house... do you have a plan for what happens when you turn 18?

Good luck...

[MisterUnderstood]

Christina, I have the option of seeing the social worker alone, but 9 times out of 10 it ends up with my mother crying hysterically about herself, receiving the recommendation to get individual therapy, saying "I know.. I need therapy.. That sounds like a good idea...." And then we go to my therapist and she eats up MORE of my time and saying things like "That woman thinks I need therapy! She doesn't know what she's talking about! I don't need therapy, he needs therapy! There's nothing wrong with me!"

And guilloche, I actually just started seeing the worker about a month ago, but she (along with my therapist) took three weeks off, the week of Christmas, the week after, and the first week of January). She said that we need to start having a plan (next time is actually crisis prevention), but she said that because I desperately wanted to see a psychiatrist, she'd get me, at the very least, a new psychiatric evaluation, since the last one I had was in July of 2013. But she said it would "take time" which maybe I'm paranoid, but that kinda sounds like stalling. She gave me the doctor's name and where he works though, so she might actually intend to make an appointment. I'm not sure. And I can't really work on the side. I already have a therapist (who's a very nice guy, but maybe a little less than therapeutic and a little more talk therapy), and I can't see a psychiatrist at all. Now that I'm employed, I've offered to pay for the appointments AND any medications I get, but she just says that's "not the problem." So I can't see anyone else, really. Though I do like the social worker. She seems VERY unbiased, and she's called us both out on things. She compared my mom's pot addiction to my desire for medications, and I swear, she made my mother stop dead in her tracks, though not enough to have a lasting impact on her opinion.

She (the therapist) is right ... "That's not the problem.".

The problem is the living situation.

Until you can get away from all that, no amount of therapy or medication will be of any use.

Change your playground, change your friends often applies to family too, and as difficult as it is to kick toxic family members to the curb, sometimes it's exactly what we have to do to ensure our own physical and emotional safety.

I wish you the best in facing the tough decisions that lay ahead, and in making the right choices to ensure your health and well-being in the process.

If you need help in finding a safe place to live, speak with your therapist and/or a local domestic violence shelter for more information and options.

[MisterUnderstood]

I asked around here a while ago, and they suggested that I get DCF involved, which I did (I filed a report), but they essentially called me a liar and an addict. I had the choice of doing that and possibly getting moved (which apparently I'm the devil to DCF for wasting their resources) or emancipating myself, which is impossible because I don't have the means to live alone, although it would've definitely been the preferred choice. So I really don't know what to do.. I can't go to a foster home because I'm still in high school (which also applies to the shelter you mentioned), and I can't live with a family member because they're not exactly supportive either. They're just less hostile and more covert about it. :/

Often abusers isolate their victims, it's the cycle of domestic violence, and that applies to children growing up in such environments as well, and I'm hoping that's not the absolute case for you here, but it sure does sound that way.

Do you have at least one good friend whose family will allow you to live with them until you're 18? If so, and since you're working, I'd advise you to contribute a portion of your earnings to household expenses to show your appreciation.

If that isn't an option, do you have at least one good friend who is also working and y'all can be roomies?

If you do get away from your family, I'd also recommend finding new counselors to assist you. A fresh start without any people involved from the past will prevent counselors enmeshed with your family from hindering your own healing & recovery process.

Also, if you do have an addiction issue, be it drugs or alcohol, join AA or NA. You'll meet some incredibly supportive people there, and one of them may just be able to provide you with shelter until you can stand on your own!

I know it may seem hopeless, but it really isn't. Sometimes it's scary as hell but we just have to go on and make that leap anyway.

The only other choice is to continue in a living hell which will slowly destroy us over time. At least by taking the leap, you have a fighting chance!

Again, I wish you the best. If the advice you're getting from current "helpers" isn't working for you, turn the page and find some that will support and advocate for you and your best interests, not your family's!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!