[Yismymindblank12]

It's not complicated, but difficult. I mean, I'm being patient going slow with this girl. Almost all the time, I don't want to date anyone. This is why this is the hardest part is the waiting and waiting and feeling like, it might go somewhere and never does. It's always being lied to, feeling like no one is worth any time. People should go on about their business than stopping by.

I feel like God get this over with already, I don't want to wait, and I don't want to date, I don't want to have feelings when I can't feel safe. I'm so used to being treated like dirt why can't people understand that. I feel like some people I like just want to push me away immediately so in response I push them farther and cut them off completely if I have to, but almost all the time if it's like this where I'm not sure.

It's where I'm the most vulnerable angry and rather just shoot my body parts off to ease the pain. Like this is why relationships suck it's like I'm going to die of a heart attack 24/7 and immediately not trust mode despite anything, my emotions are too much all the time. It hasn't changed since ever, I'm doing so much right now to work on it, but it's not my willpower I'm worried about it's my body.

I mean even if I am doing everything right, it doesn't mean anything she can still turn me down and make me some of her friends. I feel like I don't want to be friends sometimes, some people yes other people no I want something more, but not right now, when I vocalize that, I get pushed far away and they date someone else. "I feel like I'm going to go in a mall and shoot up the place it's so frustrating."NOTE: I'm not being serious on that part or joking either. It's an expression of my frustration.

It feels like I'm getting body parts ripped out of me and it hurts so much to feel anything. I feel mostly hateful and angry and sad so hurt. I hate talking to someone, "immediately from my abuse I get butt hurt so quickly by anything, but suppress it so down in my gut to hide it when I release it. I literally punch and self harm myself and starve myself further just to make it go away. I get angry saying, I'm not good enough and my body and my looks can't be better than the other choices, the attitude was fine I did it right, but never was ever a choice. I'm just a number of convenience. I feel worthless and rather spending my time pissing people off and telling them to go shove their love up their ***. "

It gets me so mad, I just want to go death some days and not have the ability to hear their unnerving words of false invitations.

It's why I hate relationships. It feels like all the time, I'm getting strapped down and I'm fighting for my life or else I'll die if I date this person. Feeling like they will hurt me and intentionally try to kill me when I'm not noticing.

I'm being very literal on purpose it does feel like that. It's been like that since ever. No matter how hard I talk it out, I can't be honest with my feelings and when I do I piss the person I like off or push them away. Having any feelings brings this up and it makes me want to shoot myself in the face because I hate having to deal with this again. It gives me anxiety to actually like someone, like so badly, I feel like I should go in the woods and purposely be a missing person. I feel so terrified and angry because how badly I am mistreated so often and frequently, relationships, seem like a far fetched dream that will never come and when it comes expect mostly disappointment. Yeah I am partly to blame, but God not the abuse at least, I can only control my emotions, but it's so scary all the time.

I can't describe how I don't want to date, I don't want to hookup I don't want anything to do with my feelings. I am always left out when girls are around, I'm always left out no matter how I slim down chisel my physique, my personality myself on how driven I am. I know I'll die alone, because I can't even trust my friends without feeling all the time they might try to kill me now.

Like it's so f'ng scary I can't take the feeling. What the hell is this? Am I afraid of commitment or do I have it all wrong? I hate seeing posts on here or anywhere online about other girls with their guy problems and especially their issues on loneliness, because I see I could relate and try to be friends with people I know on fb exclusively and not just be empathetic but go out my way to not feel like this anymore just by doing it myself in the way I know it would work. If someone was able to be there for me, maybe I won't feel like this all the time and believe everyone wants me to rot in hell in a million pieces.

Like this confidence thing is crap, being told weak all the time is crap, it's all crap. I can't say F you to everyone who feels like this, it feels so frustrating. I know when I lose my mom. I'm done, I lost everything no woman to talk to no person to be around for me no friend. I don't have ****. I really don't, I have not much money and trying to get huge in life, before I get to the point of madness where I'll either run away and do what I want homeless or kill myself, because I can't stand the loneliness and those posts other girls have make me so depressed, because I feel like worse than them. I didn't do anything wrong, but every time someone talks about another guy. I feel like, I can't be anything, I can't be picked, I'm always ignored, because I'm different. I feel like, I'm not worth being talked to or even have one friend. I'm always shut out and I'm always crying alone, and just wanting to end it now and constantly trying to get a high from anything just to stop crying for once.

I can't say how many times, I hate saying I love you. I never ever say it, I never want to say it I never want to hear being told to me. I get so angry and emotional, because I can't stand being told I'm something and constantly brought down to nothing. If I'm told to man up and grow confidence then you can go piss off, because I don't have time to hear anyone tell me how I don't measure up to whoever. I don't have time to listen to your drama and I don't have time to be patient to be someone's friend in a double standard when I'm not treated as one either. I don't want to be alive, because people don't care, I don't want to be a live, because I know I'm going to lose all the people who do care from death itself. I don't want to be a live, because I can't take it when opportunities present itself and I take it, and just barely survive and being told that's not good enough. I should of had a smile on my face to look good.

It's all about the looks anymore, I literally starve myself to get noticed. All the time, I really want to go make myself throw up and workout till I puke. I want to stop eating again every time someone tells me they want to talk to me that's a cute girl. I only starve myself and don't spend money on food, because I don't feel valued it's like from me having the hell I live with. Has stunted my relationships and people don't know that, and people I like can't understand it. People think I'm just upset, but I'm devastated and reliving a trauma, whenever someone tells me "I love you or says anything that has feelings behind it that show compassion." I get numb, crying, or angry. I do it so often all the time, because I can't take it. It gets too much.

I wanted more female friends to help me get over this anxiety, but being in a relationship is one of those few opportunities that I actually get something done and my phobia and ptsd fear goes away from self help when I figure it out from my mistakes in relationships. But I had so many mistakes and trauma from too many potential and falling apart and rejections so often and so quickly. I feel so used, like when I hear another girl get used. I am always ignored when I say the same things, so I get mad and feel like why can't I be like them. Why can't I have their body and their priviledges why can't people come up to me? I don't want to bother anymore. I don't even want to do it anymore, because I don't care. I don't care, about trying to impress anyone, because I figured they aren't worth my time if I have to impress them. I tell anyone who expects me to do something, because I'm a guy to go away. I don't care. I don't care, and they think I'm unhealthy, I get abused all the time and don't have much to cling on in life so don't tell me I'm weak and I'm not confident. You have no right to push me around, because I'm like every other guy you think I am. In the end, if I killed myself who would it matter, because I wouldn't kill myself for you, I don't even care because you don't. I figured, that I'm not even suicidal because of a girl when people used to believe that garbage. I was suicidal, because no one believed me I was abused no one believed me ever. I was always the crazy one, and always the one who'd die young. I can't believe how hard it is to say anything. And you someone I thought I would like, potentially have the audacity to go around telling me how worthless I am, because I didn't do anything. I didn't hit you, I didn't swear, I didn't say anything, I didn't even date you, you and I just used up time and space for the moment, and I just enjoyed it for what it is and you wanted more. It's always you wanted more.

Can't you see, I'm ****ing done with dating, like I'm never going to do it again. I've not dated anyone in 2 years. I don't want to think about in 10 years. I'm so hurt by it all the time, because I don't have faith no one has proven **** or even cares. I don't even want to care, because it's so not worth the time as people who can do it make out to be.

I don't know if both our cases are similar but I have the tendency to push ppl away especially guys who are interested in being my boyfriend. I'm 19 years old and I have never dated anyone nor had a boyfriend.

[Yismymindblank12]

yes. That exactly and when I do like someone, if I do want to get to know them. Immediately when they are like going away and just ignoring me or tell me they like some other guy and tell me how awesome they are. I just get them to shut their pie hole and not ever talk to them ever again. Then eventually they hate me for whatever reason.

Yeah I don't have to be your bf, I don't even want that. I just don't like being lead on ever. Not even as your friend, I hate it. It's like people only care about making others chase then destroying their bits to dust. It's ****ing sick in the head some of these people. A lot of girls do this more, but there are a lot of dudes who do this too. I'm not one of those people, because I am not a **** hole, but I guess that's where that gets me.

I am though not afraid to cuss someone out and be all putting the fear of the OP God behind them and scaring the piss outta them, but I actually don't threaten them or anything along that line. That only happens to people who are real bastards of life and want to just troll people. They can go make hell somewhere else.

[Yismymindblank12]

The longest "relationship" I had was two years, but that was according to my ex not by me. The longest it probably lasted to be called one was like 2 weeks or at the most 2 months. I used to settle for the best looks as possible and not really take much into consideration at the time see how bad it could be. Oh god I made really bad start and decisions. It always ended me getting cheated on and me being like always feeling like I'm going to get shot or someone by someone she may had cheated on me with to shoot me in my sleep. I dated real sociopathic chicks, like they did not care who they hurt if they caused drama and got their own way which is how I learned how to say no a lot now when it came to girls hitting on me or pushing people away in the first place, because that **** was scary. I had one kill herself and blame it on me, after nearly dying myself from a deadly disease. Another aborting my child and beating me and treating me less than **** in front of my family and friends who were so apalled by it they even kicked her out of the house even her own father did once. I dated one whose mother was crazy angry of me for no reason come back around 4 years later and she wants to have sex with me because she ends up meeting me and falls for me hard. I dated a girl who I thought lived close to me and was native west virginia. I dated a girl who was a drunk who was my last ex and always was so angry and depressed and someone who was pretty miserable to be around it felt like she was so shy and awkward, like we were so comfortable we did possibly everything when it came to sex early on and she still is shy to talking to me.

At least the only thing that didn't go wrong was my sex life, at least. Despite the low blows that were told to me, just to make me feel worse about myself and it wasn't that I did anything huge to piss them off. It's like I didn't call them or text them at a certain time when I'm eating or going to the bathroom taking a poo or in the shower. Stupid things like that. They say all this horrible things to make me feel less so they have so much control over me. I learned I wasn't in love and was being abused, because I didn't know that very well it was how I was abused all my life in the first place. No one told me about there are some really bad people who will use you dry and will cut throat you when they feel like it.

But anyways, I'm complimented on my sexual status quota at least a lot.

It was encouraging, but very sad it felt like all I was used for all the time was my man parts and how I had sex with the people I did have it with. It was like why am I even bothering. I should just get into porn professionally and do gay/bi/straight porn to make more money if I'm complimented as much as I was.... again sarcastic, but I was seriously considering now being a male stripper.

Then it was so hard coming out, as bi now, and I'm not dating guys, because I don't like many guys that much sexually, but when I do the personality classes instantly. I can work with women, I'm used to it, I figured more testosterone is very aggravating. I don't want to date dudes it just wouldn't work for me even though I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy.

Then again before I came out as trans, because it's why I like girls, it's why I'm me. I'm truly a woman, whose a lesbian who has a hard time finding the right girl who is her perfect match. Seriously I feel like I'm in that same boat in my heart, but the looks deceive, but I'm not changing for nothing. I like my body and I'm not changing it ever. It be too impractical to tear it up to get the female in me and the chances of me ever having a relationship with any girl would be shot down to probably almost 0. At least where I live, oh they are very respectful and accepting of homosexuals here, but trans. Oh god, it's best you stay at home, because you'll get shot or raped out here just for looking like your trans. I hate this ignorance here, it's spread to everyone. It's why finding a decent person is like near to nothing. It's like they are super nice, but so insane on religion they start shutting me down and controlling me as if I can't breathe without preaching five versus. The other extreme is that, is what I had before with my previous relationships.

Like I'm not saying this is impossible, but it sure feels like it.

I know it seems like I'm worrying about this too much on it's own and this is only my main concern in life. It's not, I get very distressed, because I'm tired people throwing their baggage at me and expect me to take it before I can hold their hand or have sex with them that's how conservative we are. Like you can't even get a hug sometimes without being threatened a gun to your face by someone who is too ignorant after being clear to the point on how you are going about. It's like they get exactly what you're saying and understand you, but completely disregard it and just blow up everything in site, because they didn't care or even maybe not had the capacity to understand what you were trying to say. It's not just me, it happens to everyone here. It's like the north korean minefield, I don't understand why some of these people are getting married now too. It's like you are both ticking time bombs drop 4 kids and now getting married because of the children. I am glad you make something happen, but how you are going about it is completely insane and it won't help those children for a little over 18 years.

I'm just saying from personal experience. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who want to tie me down before I can get financially stable with a place again or expect to get them pregnant and I've just met them yesterday. It's like go away all of you! You're all crazy! Go get pregnant and marry someone else not me! The guys who do get with these kinds of people, are pretty sad individuals a little more than the girls who get with them. They act all tough and macho and then when they date this girl they act super timid and scared and whine and complain a lot and just ignore them. It's like watching a man turn into a 2 year old in seconds, and it's like he get his diaper changed if he doesn't get his 8th beer in an allotted time. It is like what all people do here, get drunk, high on meth and heroine, pop out babies drop out of college and the people who graduate I'm happy they make their lives worth something and get very far away from here, and they shut out all their friends and be a completely nasty person when they date someone immediately. It's like why does everyone do this here. It's like their common sense goes right out the door and just focus on doing something that won't even achieve what they are wanting to achieve.

It's so scary, I am talking to this girl who seems nice. I'm praying this works, like if not. I'm just going to push everyone away from that point on for the next 5 years or at least when I move out of this city. I don't care if I don't have a gf till I'm 70. These people are leeches in my life that just want to come and go. I don't have time for that. I just want someone to stay like most people, but the hard part is making it work on my end and trying to keep myself sane and at the same time enjoy being with the other person. I don't have that, it's all misery no fun or it's a win lose situation where I'm at the losing end usually.

Like I am going to make it possible to be actually so "undateable" if that's a word.. Just to see what it's like to really not be alike anyone on this planet. At this point, it's like I'm not even going to worry about getting past year 1 I can't even get past month 6 without going to hell fast. People are like dropping me like a fly because of freaking darwinistic crap because I don't fit in anything defining for them to mold. Like I'm grateful I'm different.

I'm just tired of being treated like dirt and all I want is a girl who is just my friend who doesn't leave me is waiting patient and just a great listener and someone who is independent minded, hard headed, and wants me to be in their life doesn't matter where I'm at they love me as a friend so much. They don't care, I'm the closest thing in their life even after I die. Why can't I have something cool like that? Everything else sounds absolutely boring and mostly all misery.