Feeling shut out by my husband

I wonder if anyone has any advice for this. My husband doesn't connect with me emotionally, or even attempt to, or seem to want to, despite the fact it's an open issue. He doesn't seem interested in me physically. We have very little communication, and what little we do I seem to do all the talking. How long should a person tolerate this before filing for divorce?

depends how long you want to put up with it. some people are afraid to be alone so with tolerate it forever. other people want more from a partner and feel they are worth more so wont tolerate it at all. which person will you be?

What I try to find is common ground'

EX
we share a house
living together is all we can afford living apart would be too expensive.
the kids would suffer in a divorce
maybe we could try therapy
why did I get with him in the first place
could I go to therapy and have someone help me sculpture a life for myself.
am i able to support myself or do I depend on him?
how alone would I be without him?
how much would that hurt me?

You see how many things are unknown. I would want to be able to answer all these questions and find more. Divorce is a final act. There are midway points that could induce a healing.

A professional's help can be valuable.

I agree w/candc. Would he be open to couples therapy? Maybe he just doesn't know what to do. I only say that because I know my family doesn't know what to do with me.

Were in therapy, technically. Mostly it's me who goes, but he will go here and there if I push him. He will agree with me and is usually nice (as nice as you can be while ignoring a person). He will say things will change, but they never do. He'll agree with me and then do the opposite of whatever he agreed to. Basically he'll lie and or say anything to get me off his back, so he can go on doing whatever it is he wants to do, ignoring me.

Have you told your husband that your thinking about divorce and if so what did he say ?
Was he always like this or did something happen along the way in the marriage ?

I was wondering this myself. Sometimes depression or something will lead to that disconnection.

That said, it sounds like you guys have moved into an emotional divorce anyway. You've become roommates and he needs to start working on his side of things or get out of the way.

Hello Petra5ed: I wanted to add a couple of thoughts here. They may, or may not be relevant. First, I just want to say that I get the impression there's allot more going on here than simply a lack of emotional connection & physical contact. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I don't know how old the two of you are or how long you've been married. My wife & I have been married for over 30 years. I guess you could say we also don't have allot of emotional connection or physical contact anymore either. But that's just the way things tend to go as couples age. My impression is that many couples our age, assuming they're still together, are sleeping in separate beds, if not in separate rooms. But, perhaps you two are still young.

I do think that what you're describing is not necessarily unusual for men in particular. The older we get (relatively speaking) the more withdrawn we tend to become. (And I think this starts fairly early. As I recall males supposedly reach their sexual peak sometime in their teens.) This is, I think, part of the reason all of the men, here in Minnesota, put icehouses out on the frozen lakes during the winter & go ice fishing! Also, of course, depression can play a part in this. And it's possible your husband is struggling with his own depression. This would surely add to the natural tendency to withdraw I think men have.

I'm also not particularly surprised by the fact that your husband says he'll do something but then does not do it, or does the opposite. Men not listening to what their wives are saying to them is kind-of a standing joke. But it's based on reality. I probably hear about half of what my wife says to me (on a good day!) Otherwise, my mind is just off in a fog somewhere. I try to be as attentive as possible. But there's only so much I can do to remedy what seems to come naturally.

So, I'm not suggesting anything with regard to what you should do about your relationship concerns. I just wanted to offer my perspective as a long-time married older male. My impression, from reading your post, is that the concerns you have may not necessarily have so much to do with your husband in particular. They may be more related to the failings of the majority of men in general. My best wishes to you both.

I tend not to threaten him, so no. I don't think he has a clue that I might actually need to leave except you would think demanding couples counseling was a strong message. We used to be much closer, so something happened along the way I feel, or we just got comfortable.

We're both depressed, so yeah that could be it.

Skeezyks, thanks. I think to some extent you are right. We're middle aged and have been together for a decade, a lot of the excitement is gone. We're rather boring people in some ways. I also like my space, and I've "let him get away" with this for a long time. The problem for me is I don't feel loved anymore. Maybe I am insecure, or maybe he is too distant, I just don't know. Whatever it is, the one theme seems to be that he is very content with the status quo, and I am not. I.e. I'm looking to have needs met that aren't being met for me anymore, and I'm weighing my options. Maybe that sounds harsh, but it is what it is. Men might all fall into the inattentive category at some point, but that doesn't mean I need to put up with it for the rest of my life either. Plus, I feel like my husband is on the extreme end of most men. It wouldn't take much time or effort usually to make me happy, but it's the lack of any effort that is killing me emotionally.

Maybe he thinks this is normal? Some guys get so comfortable in a relationship, they don't think they necessarily have to "do" anything and they assume the love is still there without having to say it. I know some guys like this even in a boyfriend & girlfriend relationship. I also know some old couples who have been married for 25+ years that do that.
So just make sure he's actually aware there is a problem before you file a divorce.
Make it very clear how you're feeling - tell him everything you just told us, gauge his reaction, and depending on if he makes an effort to show you he loves you - then that should be your answer.

No advice but I just wanted to say that you're not alone. I could have written this thread myself. We've been together less than 10 years and I feel like we're platonic friends.