Hey,

I wonder if there's anyone out there who feels they've *completely* lost trust in other human beings..

I've felt like this my whole life and am now feeling the loneliness.. I KNOW I can get better and have been working towards that for years, but now all of a sudden, I'm feeling the loneliness of trying to spread my wings and take flight from a place where no one I know has ever (thankfully!) been..

I think my feeling utterly worthless goes back to my dad not wanting me.. He's been physically present in my life but I've always felt he didn't want me. I was even told by my mother that he called her crazy for wanting children. It seemed that he liked playing with me and my brother, but hated our neediness. My therapist says, and I feel, that to him, having a wife and kids means status - that he can call himself a husband, dad, head of the household, whatever..

On the other hand, my mum says she wanted nothing more than to have children, but I feel she really doesn't like me. She's behaves really oddly, you can find out more here if you're interested: http://forums.psychcentral.com/grief...ng-gutted.html I feel she loves having people in her life who need her - and thus hates my attempts to become more independent and my own person. I'll be 28 in a month and still feel like I haven't been able to cut the umbilical cord! I feel so ashamed of that..

Anyway, just wanted to seek some support and someone who understands how hard it is to get close to people when you've so devastatingly lost trust.. I guess I'm looking for someone to share the journey with.

Hello d.o.a.: '(BTW I'm in my 60's now... so just a bit older than you . ) I'll tell you a story that my father told me. My mother had been told she couldn't have children. So it was a BIG surprise when I showed up. (She thought she had cancer at first because an acquaintance of hers, at that time, apparently had.) My father recalled that he was asleep in bed one night when a little leprechaun sort of personage appeared at the foot of the bed. The leprechaun was jumping up-&-down, clapping his hands, & yelling: do you want a boy, do you want a boy? My father recalled that he woke himself up yelling: "Yes... yes!"

My father didn't know much about the fairy folk. I suspect what he had in mind was more Disney than reality. Back when people actually believed in fairies, they were not beautiful, ethereal beings with kind hearts. They were tricksters who had no use for human beings, & who delighted in making trouble for them. So my father presumed that this little leprechaun was bringing him joyful & welcome news. In actuality, what the little fellow brought was trouble. Instead of a bouncing baby boy, what my father got was a transgendered, depressed, anxiety-ridden, self-abusive little monster who screamed constantly & would not be comforted... me.

Supposedly the fairy folk would sometimes snatch a human baby from it's cradle & replace it with a fairy baby. It seems plausible that something like this may have happened in my case, although I don't believe in fairies & I don't really believe I am one. But, anyway, I turned out to be nothing like what my father wanted. He never said anything to that effect. But I always felt like I just didn't measure up. I was, however, an only child & so I was doted on by my mother. She clung to me as though I were the only thing in her life that was worth living for. I remained more-or-less within that sphere until I was in my late twenties when I moved out of state to attend graduate school. I never looked back. My parents have both been gone now for over 20 years.

When I was little, if I did something "naughty" my father would "spank" me with his belt. I was bullied, both physically & verbally, by a gang of toughs throughout junior & senior high school, & on-&-on... I'm married but we don't have children & neither of us have any family of any consequence either. So it's just the two of us. I've now aged into retirement. (I haven't been employed for probably around 16 years.) And I now live pretty-much as what I like to refer to as an "urban hermit". I don't go out unless I have to. I neither have nor want any IRL friends. I don't know if I would say I don't trust people. But I definitely don't want anything to do with them, again IRL. (The internet is something else again.) I consider this to be my gift to humanity.

Hi Skeezyks,

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it

I was also so sad to read what you wrote.. It was wrong of your father to abuse you like that!!! It makes me incredibly mad when I read about parents doing something like that to their children.. I mean, when you think about what a parent should be - someone you can trust more than anyone! - and they turn on you like that.. It's sick And so were those who bullied you!

I believe YOU are a gift to humanity.. I believe each and every one of us is, or we have the potential to be. Some just get so screwed up that they decide to go on to hurt others.. That's never going to be me, though, not if I can help it!!! This is why I'd so desperately want to be able to leave my house and shine a light outside in the world, but it's damn scary after losing trust.. I just have to realise it was the individuals in my life who weren't/aren't trustworthy - that it's not the Truth about all of humanity. I also feel I need to develop better coping skills for if and when I come across people who enjoy hurting others.. Thus far, I've simply dissociated, but it's not a good coping mechanism as it means I won't be hurt, but won't learn anything either..

I wish you all the best and hope you have found happiness in your life

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

Hi Skeezyks,

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it ...

I wish you all the best and hope you have found happiness in your life