[doxiedust]

Hello forum! This is my first time posting.
I'm just searching for somewhere to share what's going on in my life right now, because it's difficult to share with the people in my life.
I've been in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship for 7 years. We're married and have a 4 year old. We met young, married young, and both had troubled childhoods that means we both brought emotional baggage/dysfunctions into the relationship. It was a whirlwind, but I saw red flags all along the way. I've tried to leave him a total of 7 times now, talked to 3 different divorce attorneys on 3 different occasions, and all just to be manipulated back when he cries and tells me that he promises he's going to change. My stomach churns thinking about how easily he has controlled me, and how gullible I've been. I just keep holding out thinking things will change, that one day he'll see the light and do something different. Anyway, 2 nights ago we had an argument. It started because I approached him to talk about comments he has been making frequently lately about "Oh I'll just go kill myself" (which he says non-chalantly, like it's no big deal to say it) because I wanted to find out if he really meant them or not. I figured if he means it, I need to seek help for him and if he doesn't then it's just part of the emotional abuse and I wanted to set a boundary. and he said "Well if people in my life would just encourage me, then that would change my whole world." So I called him out on that and said that he can't just push the blame off on other people, and explained that I want to give him encouragement, but I'm literally incapable of it right now. (I've been in a 12 step group to work on my emotional dysfunctions, and I was never given encouragement/praise/any positive feedback growing up, this is an entirely foreign skill I'll have to learn) So then he got angry and started to raise his voice, so I said "We can talk about this at a later time, when we're both calm" and I left the room. I heard him yell at me through the door "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!!" and he followed me out of the room and was as scary as he usually is with these episodes. Just yelling at maximum level and his whole face changes, like eyes get glassy and all that.
He told me that I needed to find a place to stay, but I'd have to figure out something about a ride because I can't take the car because his name is on it. So I tried to call my sister, and he took the phone from me and kept from being able to get to it. We yelled for 5 minutes back and forth me saying "GIVE ME MY PHONE" and him saying "CALM DOWN" (funny coming from him) and so I finally gave up and tried to leave the room, and he grabbed both of my arms and prevented me from leaving that room. I pretended to be calm, and he let me get past the door. He of course followed me though to continue the argument, and he kept saying how he just wants to die, and I don't even act like I care, and nobody in his life cares, etc. Then he puts the phone down and walks into the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed and he stares at the handgun that is laying out on the bookcase. Just sniffling from crying and staring. So I panic and run to get my phone on a charger because it was dead at that point, and right as I was hooking it up in another room I heard a metal click come from the bedroom (from the gun) and I scream for him, and he doesn't answer. So I run to the bedroom and he says, "What? I just unloaded it so our son can't get to it. I keep having dreams about someone getting a hold of it and there being an accident." He just looked at me like I was crazy for being scared and concerned and totally panicked. I was so scared my heartbeat was pounding in my ears.
So I went to work the next morning, and had a panic attack. So I left work early and contacted the police dept and they had me go fill out a report. So they went and picked up my husband and took him to the hospital to find out if he really was suicidal, and released him. Then he was sent to jail, where he was for 12 hours before bonding out. He has 2 charges, and that violates his probation from a DUI, so there's going to be some major repercussions. I have an order of protection, so he can't have any contact whosoever until after the court date.
Everything happened in less than 24 hours, and it's really overwhelming. Of course, from the years of abuse, I have second guessed myself the whole way. Am I overreacting? Is this unfair to him? The consequences seem so severe, and it's not like he hit me, etc.
I don't even know what to say. Just confused and exhausted and torn because I want to leave so badly, as I always have. It's almost like I don't even believe myself anymore when I say I want to leave. The urge to leave is always so strong, but I still get sucked back in.

[kaliope]

hi doxiedust
you are not over reacting. most women leave seven to eight times before they leave for good. you are stuck in the cycle of abuse. have you ever talked to a domestic violence advocate or gone to domestic violence counseling? learning more about the cycle of violence may help you understand what you are going thru. you are not describing anything unique that so many abused woman before you havent done. i grew up as you did. i married a bad man. i got out of that. then i was with another abusive man for twelve years. i didnt think i deserved better. i realized one of the things that kept me there was this belief that if i could get this guy to love and accept me, if i could be good enough for him, if i could be perfect enough so he stopped yelling at me and telling me how messed up i was, then that would somehow make up for my dad abusing me. i realize now how sick that is. nothing is ever going to fix that. nothing is wrong with me and i dont need a man to make me ok. i am ok. i can take care of me. have some faith in you. he has no right to treat you that way. take care of you and your child.

[JJBX]

You know something? I am not going to tell you that your husband is a monster, because he isn't. Every time he has promised to change, he meant it. He believed he could do it, then he fell back into the same cycle that made you want to leave so many times. He's human and he's chock full of drama.

My husband was also emotionally abusive because he grew up with a controlling mother who did that to her kids, so naturally he did it too. The way he argued was a major source of conflict for us because he did all of the classic methods of emotional abuse and I would always call him out on it (which, of course, made him defensive). What made a difference was a few years ago, he came to the realization that he truly had a problem and was not in control of it. He punched me in the face and fractured my eye socket. He immediately regretted it. He panicked and wanted to call the police to turn himself in, but he didn't want to go to jail... He was in a complete state of panic.
I was absolutely pissed off because it was a humiliating position to be in. I am NOT a weak person. I told him to pack his things and get out. In my state, you can't legally file for divorce unless there's been infidelity or you've been separated for 2 years, which I find ridiculous. Domestic violence doesn't count as a basis for divorce unless it results in an arrest (and even then, you have to be separated for 6 months). I was livid.
He moved out and was very depressed. He sought treatment because he realized that he had become his mother and didn't want to live like that. He met with a therapist 3 times a week to learn new coping skills and to identify triggers. Of course, I didn't believe he had changed at all at first. I saw this as a ploy for him to save face.
Then, he told his family what happened and invited their judgement. We were separated for six months (how long it took for me to not want to murder him on sight) before we started meeting together to see if the relationship was salvageable.
I told him how the event made me feel, that I was humiliated and felt robbed of my dignity because of the event, aside from the weeks of physical pain I was in, and he heard me. We started seeing a relationship counselor who worked with us to bridge the way we communicate and handle conflict.
Now for the twist, I have been living with PTSD since I was a teenager, so there are times where I become confrontational (especially when I feel cornered), but I will do things like call the person I'm fighting with by a different name or the subject I'm arguing about stops making sense (because I'm essentially reliving a past event in that moment). So, my triggers and response turned into a trigger for my husband. When he better understood my triggers, he felt more prepared to respond to mine. When I became physically confrontational with him (I mistook him for a person from my past), he didn't respond. When I snapped back to, I needed a minute, but the realization that he handled the situation perfectly kind of hit me.
I wasn't ready for the new him. It was a strange transition because it was unfamiliar. There is a sort of comfort in knowing what to expect from someone, even if you really hate it. So, that actually created a lot of stress for me, but also guilt because I realized that he was trying really hard and I was upset about it. The trust was rebuilt gradually and the coping mechanisms we learned started being used more and he eventually moved back in with me.
We still had hiccups where we'd yell and call each other names, but the difference was this time, we would take a minute to cool off then meet to discuss what happened and why we blew up at each other. I can't say things are perfect, but there's a lot more trust and affection now that we feel there's a deeper understanding between us and that we fully understand each other's triggers. If one of us crosses a line, we have a specific manner that we agreed on to voice those concerns and have both agreed to be open to each other's concerns.

I say all of that not to convince you to stay with your husband but because I think it's really important for anyone to be able to tell when someone is capable of changing their behavior. It takes a whole heck of a lot of time and motivation to change such a deeply ingrained bad habit. It requires that you are very insightful and simply cannot be done without professional help. YOU seeking help for your husband doesn't mean anything compared to him seeking it out for himself.

I know he probably has a lot of good qualities too that you just wish you could have without the drama. That's how I felt about my husband before the incident. Like, I was frustrated that he continued to be an idiot when I just wanted him to see the light and stop being an idiot. I consider emotional blackmail an idiot's game, by the way (hah).

Your son is very young and I think it's worth it to think that maybe you should want to expose him to healthy adult interactions. Maybe your husband would be on his best behavior if you two aren't in the house arguing. No one wants to grow up to see their mom disrespected and treated like garbage. Even worse, no mother wants her son to grow up to disrespect women and treat them like garbage. I think those are all things you should consider when you make your decision about what you need to do for your sake and your son's.

Good luck to you. It's a tough decision either way.

[Rose3]

I agree - that you are not over-reacting. Find a safe and peaceful place for yourself and your child.

[SoSelfish?]

The feeling of guilt is strong for me too. But we both definitely need to stay strong and get out. I think it's helpful to remind myself of the bad things... That they are real and I want to get away from them.

[hannabee]

You are not over-reacting!!! What was a loaded gun doing out anyway???? I think he knew what reaction he would cause and he did not care one bit about your feelings. Seems like he may be a narcissist and that's a hard one to correct. I usually advocate staying for the children, but this situation sounds like it's dangerous for both of you. PLEASE don't take him back. You deserve so much better!!!!

[avlady]

get the heck away, the only other thing you can do is accept it, wish would take a lifetime for him to fix if you were to stay. you can still love someone but it is not wise to stay with an abuser.

[doxiedust]

There's just not enough room or time to list every time he has scared me. I am making sure that I am getting prepared for the worst case scenario. I have to get out of my denial and realize that my situation really is a dangerous one. It's so hard to accept that. Mental illness, violence, alcoholism, and rage runs in the family. His grandfather murdered 2 people, his dad killed himself, and now my husband is showing signs of serious mental distress and signs of losing control. I want to leave so badly but know it's a tough road to walk down when it means I will have to go to extreme measures. There won't be a civil divorce and I may have to go to a women's shelter - not that I don't have a place to stay but because it may need to be somewhere he can't find for our safety.

In May 2013, he stayed out all night partying and didn't come home til 9:30 AM. I actually spoke up for myself, and I told him I wouldn't tolerate that kind of disrespect, and that my son and I would spend the day out somewhere, and we'd be home later. He flipped... he said he was going to kill himself and went to the kitchen towards the knives, and I grabbed my son and ran for the front door. I was half way through the doorway when he caught me and pulled me back in, and grabbed our son of my arms and he shut the front door and I crumpled onto the floor in fear. And he yelled at me "If you ever try to leave with me and take our son with you ever again I'll kill you!" And he spit in my face. We were in marriage counseling at the time. So sickening.

Anyway, I have a hard time staying out of denial. And as far as talking to my loved ones about it, I find myself feeling embarassed. But I'm glad he has these charges now, I feel like he's finally being exposed for how he is behind closed doors.

[Bill3]

Safety planning for abusive situations | womenshealth.gov

Safety Plan - National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

There are many more sites if you google safety plan abused women

[JJBX]

Originally Posted by doxiedust

There's just not enough room or time to list every time he has scared me. I am making sure that I am getting prepared for the worst case scenario. I have to get out of my denial and realize that my situation really is a dangerous one. It's so hard to accept that. Mental illness, violence, alcoholism, and rage runs in the family. His grandfather murdered 2 people, his dad killed himself, and now my husband is showing signs of serious mental distress and signs of losing control. I want to leave so badly but know it's a tough road to walk down when it means I will have to go to extreme measures. There won't be a civil divorce and I may have to go to a women's shelter - not that I don't have a place to stay but because it may need to be somewhere he can't find for our safety.

In May 2013, he stayed out all night partying and didn't come home til 9:30 AM. I actually spoke up for myself, and I told him I wouldn't tolerate that kind of disrespect, and that my son and I would spend the day out somewhere, and we'd be home later. He flipped... he said he was going to kill himself and went to the kitchen towards the knives, and I grabbed my son and ran for the front door. I was half way through the doorway when he caught me and pulled me back in, and grabbed our son of my arms and he shut the front door and I crumpled onto the floor in fear. And he yelled at me "If you ever try to leave with me and take our son with you ever again I'll kill you!" And he spit in my face. We were in marriage counseling at the time. So sickening.

Anyway, I have a hard time staying out of denial. And as far as talking to my loved ones about it, I find myself feeling embarassed. But I'm glad he has these charges now, I feel like he's finally being exposed for how he is behind closed doors.

If you find a House of Ruth near you, they do provide coaching and resources for staying safe, fighting for divorce and custody, and getting a protective order. Pack light and leave when you know he's going to be away for a good while. You can get a police escort to get more things of yours.

Stay safe! You should definitely let your family know though. When you leave, he's probably going to go to them first and they need to be on alert.

[hvert]

Your posts really freak me out. I don't have a source or a very clear memory, but someone looking at abusive partners who later murdered their spouses in my state found that suicide threats were a strong indicator of bad things to come.

I hope you can get out of there before he gets out of jail. Have you read the Gift of Fear? That has some interesting insights into typical behaviors of violent people.

[doxiedust]

I have not heard of the Gift of Fear.
We go to court on the 12th to find out if the order of protection needs to be extended or not. I'm worried if it is lifted then he will start either 1) harassing/threatening me or 2) manipulating me into letting him come back. It's like the options are either all or nothing, if that makes sense... because having civil contact with him and him respecting what I want/need will never ever happen.
And I know I have access to a women's shelter, but the main thing I wonder is what is it like to stay at one? Is it decent? How many other women will be there? How long can I stay at one?
Also, my family is extremely worried about our safety, but his family is of course believing that this will be his rock bottom and he'll change.
The support on here has been amazing and so helpful. I need to get it out there so that I can continue to remind myself that his behavior is not okay, and I shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship.

If he has threaten to kill himself he will take you down with him and your son , you need to get out of the house before he gets out of jail . He's going to be 10 times more angry at you for reporting him .

[divine1966]

since you have a young child i advice you to leave, the issue is that your kid sees it and knows it (even if you say oh he wasnt there, kids know) , and will grow up damaged. if you had no kids, then whatever. but young children dont need this. i grew up watching my parents abusive marriage and it damaged me for life.

[hvert]

Originally Posted by doxiedust

I have not heard of the Gift of Fear.
We go to court on the 12th to find out if the order of protection needs to be extended or not. I'm worried if it is lifted then he will start either 1) harassing/threatening me or 2) manipulating me into letting him come back. It's like the options are either all or nothing, if that makes sense... because having civil contact with him and him respecting what I want/need will never ever happen.
And I know I have access to a women's shelter, but the main thing I wonder is what is it like to stay at one? Is it decent? How many other women will be there? How long can I stay at one?
Also, my family is extremely worried about our safety, but his family is of course believing that this will be his rock bottom and he'll change.
The support on here has been amazing and so helpful. I need to get it out there so that I can continue to remind myself that his behavior is not okay, and I shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship.

You are right, it *is* all or nothing and it is important to just keep telling yourself that when you feel like there's a chance he might change his ways. Your situation sounds like it has gone far beyond the point where it is safe to give him another chance.

This story is part of why your situation scares me: Police: Saco man shot and killed wife, three children ? Portland ? Bangor Daily News ? BDN Maine

This study is probably where I got the information about the suicide threats being a really bad sign. This was written after an earlier murder/suicide in my state. https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_sT...mMTc3MGVi/edit

[doxiedust]

HOLY CRAP I'm absolutely terrified now. He has 20/30 Pre Incident Indicators. And they share the same name, and the wife and I share the same career. VERY scary, when I'm going to be more at risk when I get the order of protection extended. And I want to separate things financially since he likes to drag me down in that area, but I'm terrified of triggering even more rage/malice from him.

Wouldn't it be much safer to be with your family then a shelter ?
No matter what you do your going to piss him off , your child needs to be protected and if you think you can't do it then have a family member take your child because it sounds like you keep going back to the guy and someone needs to put the child first .

[avlady]

i went through almost the same thing with my son's father, had to get a restraining order, i was so scared he would try to break the deal, but i ended up moving and havn't seen him in over 20 years. i still am scared because he was so abusive but he ended up staying away anyway. there is hope he will have to stay away with the restraining order if he doesn't want to get into any more trouble. Just saying that there is hope