no response from professor crush

Hi all,

so I'm sure I have annoyed everyone here with my rants about a professor I had a huge crush on. Well after never having run into her on campus all semester, I emailed her politely asking if I could stop by her office to say hi, and never got a response. This was almost a month ago. At first I just thought, oh well... she's probably just busy with finals... and then, oh she's probably just busy getting grades processed... well, I guess not since I never heard back. Right now I am basically conflicted as to what to do. I have given up practically on having her as any sort of mentor so I am just trying to get used to forgetting her. I could cling on to this dumb hope I have that she will still reply. Or maybe I could send a follow up email? I really don't think I should, sounds like overkill, overstepping boundaries and such. I'm at the point where if people here tell me I should just drop it, I will. I have wasted almost a year on this, and have been unsuccessful in moving on for some reason. I think the biggest thing that upsets me is the blow to my ego. To think that someone I respected so much sees me as just some annoyance that can be simply ignored well... it hurts.

How do you know that she sees you as just some annoyance? I gather that you are a student. Maybe she simply wants to maintain appropriate boundaries between faculty and students. That would involve resisting any student who wishes merely to say hi, and it would involve avoiding a mentoring relationship with any student who has a crush on her.

That line in your post also stood out to me, as did your assumption in a previous post that she must have found you to be a "creep." You're projecting a lot of stuff onto her non-response, and I'm sure it must be tied up in other wounds and hurts inside of you. I hope you can be gentler with yourself; I really doubt that she's annoyed by you.

As Bill3 said, she may just be sticking to set boundaries. Or perhaps she was busy and forgot about the e-mail. Perhaps she's not good about answering e-mails in general.

If I recall correctly, she's an adjunct professor, or something like that, right? Truthfully, you're very unlikely to find a "mentor" in an adjunct. They are overworked and underpaid. From my personal perspective as a professor on a lectureship at one university (50 students per semester) and an adjuncting gig at another (100 students per semester), I am always glad to hear from former students, but I'm not always great about e-mailing back. I have many students who need my attention during the semester, and when I'm on a break and not teaching, I'm doing some other work (my own, or taking on another job). I simply don't have the time to engage in much correspondence with former students, though I care about them very much as people.

If it was me I would just go there and see her and say HI .. in person forget about e-mailing her if this is on campus .

Say I was wondering can I take you out to lunch sometime this week and see what she
says ..

Yes I was a college student. Well first off she told me I should stop by in an email after her class ended last year. Also I don't see why saying he would be overstepping boundaries. If she can't even bother to let me stop by just to say hi, or even respond telling me my request was inappropriate, then I can only conclude that I am a worthless annoyance to her. As for maintaining professional relationships, well... she is dating one of her former graduate students. Not saying that is any reason to ignore proper respect for professional boundaries, but as for her being one to maintain them, well it's hard to really take them as concrete.

She is a new professor yes, not sure if she is tenure tract or adjunct or what all that really means. I know the website says lecturer. I am sure she is overwhelmed, I just wish she would at least send me a response. I agree I do project a lot and have very negative assumptions, but I don't know what else to think. Yes, maybe she did simply forget about my email, but isn't that also unprofessional? I just worry this is going to make it hard for me to form meaningful relationships in the future. The whole professional relationship is something I suppose I am just going to have to get used to. If only the emotions for respecting and admiring someone could simply be turned off. It is frustrating because I put so much thought into crafting that email, spent like a week just constantly thinking of the best way to word it.

Well I am not on campus anymore as I just graduated, so that is pretty much that. I would have stopped by her office, but I was so insecure about how she saw me, that I wanted to actually have her approval and know she was ok with/wanted me to stop by, as opposed to showing up and her having no other choice than to talk to me. If things went well I most definitely would have loved to have gotten lunch with her. I found out she is dating one of her past graduate students, which sort of throws the whole teacher/student boundary thing out the window. I basically told myself this semester, I will send her an email and see how she responds. If she responds well, great. If no response at all, well than at least I tried. At least I tried.

she maybe knows you have a crush on her and just doesn't want to be around you for that reason. i don't mean to be harsh, but she is under no obligations to respond to you at all. you aren't friends or lovers. also since you aren't really her student, not replying isn't unprofessional. I understand it is frustrating, but I wouldn't blame her. Do you have a therapist you can address it with?

Definitely harsh, but I need to hear it. It's just confusing because she told me to definitely stop by her office last year. Oh well, I guess I will never know. I spoke to a university counselor about it last year and was just told about professional boundaries. Sure it helps to tell me what is acceptable and what isn't, but it doesn't do anything for helping me actually get over my infatuation. I keep having these fantasies about her replying, and overall just keep having conversations with her in my head, and overall every time I am doing something cool just think how much she would like me for it. I need to get all of this out of my head. I keep having that "what if" thought over if she might have just not seen my email and it got buried under all the other emails she gets, and then of course I think I should send a follow up email. I am guessing this would be a huge mistake. As much as I am trying to forget it all, I get occasional desires to email her again. If this is a terrible decision please help talk me out of it

Sorry for bring harsh but when I obsess over things I need people to tell me truth not bs me. She said it last year but things changed since then and now she might not want it, also people often say things to be polite like oh let's see each Other soon but really they never want to see u, they just making small talk. Hang in there there are other great ladies out there. I suggest that maybe start dating others? Talk to your therapist? I understand you well, I obsess all the time. I try to be busy and distract myself until I forget about my obsessions.

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I reread your post and yes I think writing to her again is a mistake. And again sorry but I think you need the truth now. If it was last year she might not even remember who you are. Just start dating and good luck

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