I have always wondered why some people are afraid to be honest in a nice tactful way. Like if someone is mad at someone else or if someone is bothering another person, why doesn't the person just say something? Much better to just be honest than bottle it up then explode at a later time which has happened in the past and fear it will happen again.

[Artchic528]

I do agree. It's always more productive to work things out if you have a problem with a person...just take them aside and ask them if they would like to talk, then start working the problem out.

There is no reason to lie, or lie by omitting...I find it rude and hurtful to do so. If you have a problem with how I am behaving, tell me discretely and I'll be glad to listen and help correct anything that I may be doing that you find offensive.

Of course, I've been known to not listen, and need to work on that. My emotions are very strong and my mind can't harness them sometimes...

[hvert]

People don't want to hurt your feelings. If someone asked me point blank if they were being annoying, I probably would lie also. I would not be prepared for their question and I would not know how to answer it.

[HockingPastryChef]

People are afraid to be honest due to fears they have in their mind.

I feel the same way too. I want honesty but if they cannot give it after I had told them how I felt from it. I would choose to walk away from them.

I myself do NOT like lying to others that is something I choose to not do.

[Artchic528]

....guess when people don't tell you what their beef is with you, and you have no clue yourself, nothing can be done...

I'm tired of it all though...most people I meet seem to find some reason to make it valid enough to taunt me and make me miserable.....maybe that's just my lot in life...

You know...changing doesn't help either, they just fine new reasons to hate on you...so don't bother changing...it's energy you could be spending doing something else.

[guilloche]

Sometimes there's no point to it, all it does is create conflict that isn't going to be resolved. For example, if there's someone that you've already tried to work out an issue with, and it just hasn't worked... maybe something about their basic personality is just triggering to you, or annoying, bringing it up yet again isn't likely to be helpful.

So, this is probably not what you had in mind, but for example... my boss is a fine person. He's pretty emotional, and he wants to be a good boss. But, he's sort of not. He's unorganized, he's easily upset when people try to bring up issues, and he cares more about the projects he's actively engaged in than in actually managing the team (i.e. making sure everyone on the team is engaged in good work). I've talked to him about the fact that I'm bored, don't have enough to do, want to be working on different things then he's giving me, etc. I've talked to him about this stuff several times, politely, in appropriate ways. It doesn't matter... he doesn't get it. So, now I don't. All that happens when I try to discuss it with him is we both get upset, I get more depressed, and nothing changes. Realistically, my options are to figure out how to live with it, find another way to change it, or find another job. It is what it is.

I think also... some people are naturally more direct than others. I was reading a book on communication, and it talked about the different styles we have, and how painful it can be for a very direct person and indirect person to try to communicate.

The example was a direct-guy trying to ask out an indirect-woman that he worked with. She wouldn't give him an outright, "No, I do not ever want to go out with you." She kept giving him a soft brush-off, which she considered kinder (as it allowed him to "save face" and spare his pride). IE She'd say, "Oh, thanks for inviting me! That sounds awesome, but unfortunately, I've got other plans that night. Sorry!"

To him, since he expected a more direct response, this was confusing. At some point he tried to corner her and ask, "Are you trying to tell me that you DO want to go out with me, but can't on this day, or that you DON'T want to go out with me, ever, and I should stop asking?" - which was awful for her, because he was trying to force her to say something that *felt* really rude.

Does that make sense? I'm definitely in the "indirect" category, and I really liked the example when I read it.... it makes sense, but it's still not easy for me to give someone a direct, hard "No".

I also think... some people do NOT respond well when you do try to be direct with them. Even if you're polite. Sometimes, people just don't want to hear it... and so unless you know someone really well and have a strong, trusting relationship with them, you're taking a risk that directness is going to drive them away. I've been on the receiving end of some directness where I'm sure the person thought they were doing me a favor, but honestly, they just hurt my feelings, often about something that wasn't that important, and made me not want to deal with them anymore (why would I want to hang out with someone who makes me feel like crap?)

Isn't it fun being human? So much fun....

[anisepower]

Originally Posted by hvert

People don't want to hurt your feelings.

This. Because sometimes, the truth hurts.

[hvert]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

You know...changing doesn't help either, they just fine new reasons to hate on you...so don't bother changing...it's energy you could be spending doing something else.

I think you are onto something with this. It's often easier to just find people you get along with when you are being who you are. Not that it isn't worthwhile to be polite, friendly and kind - but if someone doesn't like your sense of humor, it's better to just find another person to share your jokes with.

[A Red Panda]

Some people can be afraid of being honest when it comes to negative things because they have been raised that way.

If you grew up in a home where your emotions never mattered and you would get into trouble for voicing them, you learn to keep it to yourself. Because sharing might just lead to some nasty consequences. You quickly learn that you're wrong, that you're opinions don't count, and that sharing your opinions just leads to unpleasantness and doesn't resolve anything.

[toolman65]

"Does this make me look fat? Well, does it? Be Honest!"

Being honest creates risk.

The risk of rejection, ridicule, dismissal,retaliation, anger, tears, etc. etc. etc.

Being "tactful" aka, being polite or "diplomatic" , allowing the other person to "save face" are all ways to make the other person feel better. Which, in turn, makes US feel better. We do it to soften the blow, not rock the boat, don't ruin the evening and don't upset anyone about anything , ever.

If being tactful is causing you distress, then you'd better find out why you are doing it. If you are seething inside, YOU are the cause, not the other person.

[Perna]

I think for me, learning to recognize and deal with one's feelings, especially the difficult ones like anger, is a livelong process. I have had an especially difficult time in my life with learning tact I use to have only two speeds, "Okay" or "Kill". And, I was afraid of "Kill".

As I have experienced and learned more about anger in general and myself and how I experience anger and when/why, and how to respond as I'd like, I have gotten better about sharing it with others and accepting and helping them with their anger where I'm involved. I still have trouble though in some places and when I get cornered feel "Kill" which frightens me so I avoid or start crying, feeling helpless to solve whatever the problem is in the first place.