I'm not worth trying to be bothered with

I hate myself, so much, and I'm beating myself up for things I can't control, I hate how I'm stuck alone the people I like isolate and treat me like ****. I don't feel like I belong and relationships never felt so undesirable, it feels like every one should go die in and I'd be the only one left to sort out my own thoughts.

It feels so frustrating wanting to feel like a somebody. It's like people just want to dump on me, I tell them to **** off and immediately give off the vibe to be walked all over. I'm not passive, I do some passive things, I'm introverted at times and extroverted a lot. So if I'm not being extroverted or acting a certain way for one second, I'm immediately the drama person, the negative nancy and people just want to beat me in the ground not people I don't really have any attachment to, but people I like to have around me, friends, family, girls I like and people never understand me.

They'll be the most confused and the reason some days I want to kill myself, immediately in front of them to give them the bird when I die. I just hate trying to form anything. It's not even worth bothering, my self esteem and body image is destroyed by these people I'm around 24/7. I got used to it, and just trying to find the nearest exit.

I can't date, I hate how I look from my mother and sister telling me how I need to look like this or that, and say I shouldn't be so hard on myself and love being a guy when I want to be a beautiful girl. At the same time, girls I like tell me all the things they like in looks and the qualities, most I share, almost all of it I don't at the same time. So I've been starving myself, sometimes wanting to cut my stomach open and do a surgey to get rid of the remaining body fat. I talk to my body and never look at my face never want to see the monster on the other side of that mirror.

I wish I could just go away and be done with living, because no matter how hard I cry for help people want to get "tough love" critical to kick my *** to beat me to the ground. This cycle ended me up here, stuck in a limbo where I am constantly forcing myself not to eat and feeling so negative on how I look. Never loving myself, because no one gives me love anywhere despite what they say they damaged me beyond my breaking point. I rather be alone and safe to say these thoughts without feeling like I should go to hell for feeling.

I tell them to go away and stick up for myself and it feels hopeless, I'm constantly being treated as submissive, I guess for being too sensitive or that I was raped a lot that made me their immediate "*****" to beat up whenever they feel like hurting someone. It made me a hateful person, and all I care about is killing myself to escape my own madness. I lost so much and ignored so much, and forced to be pushed to the point I am a slave to my own prison not just my mind and my body. I have a rare neuro disorder of some kind. I don't know if I'm going to die in the next 10 years, they never really appreciated me here. Rather having my story and life struggle go viral to stop my actions of killing myself, I wanted to be public and do all the negative things I wanted to do to humiliate them back, because they destroyed me to a worm. I just don't see how they don't see what I see, and feel they are being nice, and I don't want to be tough or emotionless. I don't want to be a man or human, just dead, because I'm the mistake and I'm still treated as one, no matter how my assertive actions and success puts me ahead of others. I don't get what I deserve rather less than less. I'm not a victim in my head, but I'm treated as one and ridiculed and blamed and beaten as one. I don't have a voice and I only want to die, to escape this prison. Love and relationships are just pointless it all led me to the same ending. I change myself to help it a little, it did some good, but they all leave as expected. My life is hell, I don't want to be attached rather let my body eat me away as it's doing now.

I'm not negative or depressing, I'm emotionally neglected and dying. My body no matter how much I lose weight and work out. I'm dying, I feel that's some form of accomplishment, because I wish people saw this instead of putting me down and expect me to be like them. I hate them, I hate their, "masochistic positivity" I hate them to oblivion, they can rot in their own hell, but quit putting it on me. I'd die by my own choice and I have no freedom, I live in hell I die in hell. So they can go and **** off in happy land all they want.

Yup...I feel the same way....no one wants me around.....I'm just meant to be alone....to not have a social outlet.....

No matter where I go...people always judge me quickly and use that judgement as a basis to hate me....

I'm much better off just sticking to my dogs and cat for company...

Like they want you there, but for what? What else other than my company, not to do banter and enjoying my time here, but making me feel like crap. I know you guys suck as friends at times a lot, but there aren't many options for me. Then in situations where there are girls I like, God, I'm wrecked. I'm not passive, I'm so sick of being associated with that when I didn't want to be and make it very clear I'm not. I feel like I don't get my voice here and continuously ridiculed I fear every relationship they all leave, in which I accepted things come and go, but not like after day one. It's like I've gotten to the point everyone is like this, either you are popular and have something going for you or you are nothing midas well kill yourself or something bad happens to you. Quoting how others treat me and say at times.

I always held on to the phrase:
'every day above ground is a good day'.
I posted it on my wall and it always makes me feel better, or at least less like I want to kill myself today. Simple, but maybe worth a try?