[rwither1]

Hello everyone,
Before I get stated, let me state that I have a therapist, my fiance has a therapist, and we have a couples counselor, though we don;t see him more than a few times a year. Neither of us use drugs or have medical illnesses. My fiance is my best friend - we've been friends since 1995. she was my first girlfriend. We married different people. I got divorced 5 years ago and her husband committed suicide three years ago. We've been together since. We are together because we are friends but also because my fiance has a son who will be six in February. He has a play therapist, too.

At any rate, we moved in together six months ago and things went downhill. I have just finished graduate school and have been finishing up one career to begin another, I operate a website and do some consulting work on the side. I am very, very busy. My fiance has failed out of nursing school twice, after her husband died, and she presents with PTSD symptoms. She gets a social security check and lives off that. She has grown increasingly angry with me because I do not spend enough time with her. She knows full well that I am being pulled in 9 different directions and one of the reasons I work like I do is I really don;t want to spend a lot of time with her, because she is sullen, angry, sad, etc. I love her, but this has been an exhausting experience and I'm just tired. She also has a mother that contacts her probably 10 times a day (phone, text, FB) who has no concept of boundaries and this drives me nuts as her mom has gone some serious Axis II things going on. I should mention we're both in our late 30s, so parental involvement to me is a bit ridiculous. At this point, I'm in the relationship because of her little boy but also because I do love her - I just don;t like her very much these days.

I'm just not sure what to do. Her husband's death has obviously destroyed her, but i feel like I am getting the brunt of it. Don't get me wrong, I do plenty to get in trouble and I have many flaws, but I know what I am and am not responsible for. I'm just at an impasse. I don't know what to do to make her happy as it seems like the goal line keeps getting moved... Any one else able to relate?

[kaliope]

the first question that pops into my mind is why is she your fiance? it sounds more like you would be better off as friends. you could still support her and her son in that role but you would not have to live with the negativity that encapsulates her life. if you truly want the relationship, making the best of all these counselors is the way to go. one thing i discovered, having ptsd myself, is that you really need a counselor that specializes in trauma to treat it. i spent three years in therapy not getting anywhere with a therapist that i felt was good, but he wasnt effectively addressing the ptsd. my anxiety has been greatly reduced now that i am seeing someone that specializes in trauma. and then regular visits to the couple counselor to be able to communicate your feelings would help improve the relationship.

I have not experienced the type of situation you describe, rwither1. You all certainly are all "therapist'd up". At least on the surface, it would appear you all are doing what you can to try to improve your present circumstances. You mentioned your partner's husband committed suicide 3 years ago. A completed suicide is a devastating experience for those who are left behind. Three years is not a long period of time within which to heal.

There is a truism I offer members here on PC occasionally. It is: if you want to know which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun. If you want to know where your relationship with your fiancé is heading, look down the trajectory of the past 3 years. Barring some unexpected change in circumstances, you can see where things are headed.

You mentioned being exceedingly busy & being pulled in many different directions, & also that you've just finished grad school & are transitioning from one career to a new one. Is it possible that no longer being in grad school & beginning a new career could offer an opportunity for you to spend more time with your fiancé & her son? I know you wrote that one of the reasons you don't now is because of her current emotional state. But, perhaps with a different career & more time spent with the family, this might improve... it's difficult to say. Otherwise, you know where things are heading here. And, although it is laudable for you to want to shield your fiancé's son, continuing on in this relationship, as it is now oriented, just strikes me as asking for additional trouble.

There is another truism I rather like: no matter how far you've travelled down the wrong road... turn back! Given the circumstances, it may be that this is simply not a relationship that is destined to last, no matter how much you want it to. Perhaps this is an uncomfortable possibility that you & your fiancé need to confront together, possibly with the help of your couples counselor. Doing so may, in-&-of itself, give the two of you the answer you seek. My best wishes to you all.

[lilypup]

It sounds very complicated. Best wishes and prayers to your relationship and the child.

[rwither1]

Originally Posted by kaliope

the first question that pops into my mind is why is she your fiance? it sounds more like you would be better off as friends. you could still support her and her son in that role but you would not have to live with the negativity that encapsulates her life. if you truly want the relationship, making the best of all these counselors is the way to go. one thing i discovered, having ptsd myself, is that you really need a counselor that specializes in trauma to treat it. i spent three years in therapy not getting anywhere with a therapist that i felt was good, but he wasnt effectively addressing the ptsd. my anxiety has been greatly reduced now that i am seeing someone that specializes in trauma. and then regular visits to the couple counselor to be able to communicate your feelings would help improve the relationship.

Thank you very much. I've thought that too. Fortunately, she is seeing a trauma focused therapist and so am I for that matter, but for other reasons.

[rwither1]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

I have not experienced the type of situation you describe, rwither1. You all certainly are all "therapist'd up". At least on the surface, it would appear you all are doing what you can to try to improve your present circumstances. You mentioned your partner's husband committed suicide 3 years ago. A completed suicide is a devastating experience for those who are left behind. Three years is not a long period of time within which to heal.

There is a truism I offer members here on PC occasionally. It is: if you want to know which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun. If you want to know where your relationship with your fiancé is heading, look down the trajectory of the past 3 years. Barring some unexpected change in circumstances, you can see where things are headed.

You mentioned being exceedingly busy & being pulled in many different directions, & also that you've just finished grad school & are transitioning from one career to a new one. Is it possible that no longer being in grad school & beginning a new career could offer an opportunity for you to spend more time with your fiancé & her son? I know you wrote that one of the reasons you don't now is because of her current emotional state. But, perhaps with a different career & more time spent with the family, this might improve... it's difficult to say. Otherwise, you know where things are heading here. And, although it is laudable for you to want to shield your fiancé's son, continuing on in this relationship, as it is now oriented, just strikes me as asking for additional trouble.

There is another truism I rather like: no matter how far you've travelled down the wrong road... turn back! Given the circumstances, it may be that this is simply not a relationship that is destined to last, no matter how much you want it to. Perhaps this is an uncomfortable possibility that you & your fiancé need to confront together, possibly with the help of your couples counselor. Doing so may, in-&-of itself, give the two of you the answer you seek. My best wishes to you all.

Thank you for the insight. I'm stealing your gun metaphor. that's a good one!