[SadDaughter123]

Hello all and thanks for any advice you may offer. My mother divorced my father when I was young and immigrated to a new country as a single-parent. She worked hard to make life better for us, she was in and out of relationships and now has been married for 15 years. All throughout my teenage years and adult hood she has been extremely supportive, both financially and emotionally. While I know she loves me very much and has done everything in her power to give me all I need, I feel it is TOO much love. She seems to think her happiness is based solely on mine, she gives me money all the time even though I am an adult and working, she has never said no to me as far back as I remember and even as a kid, I have never had any responsibilities because she always took all onto her shoulders. When I was applying for university and mentioned to her that I was considering living out of state, she broke down crying and couldn't explain why she was crying. Finally I left the nest at the ripe age of 24 to live in another country. and have been there already for 8 years. Ever since my mother has been extremely depressed. I know it is natural for a mother to feel this bond, but in her case it seems really extreme. We speak twice a week via Skype and I used to visit for 3 week two times a year, now it is only once a year because I really cannot handle her attachment when I go home.she never wants to have an open conversation about how she really feels with my moving away and just starts randomly crying but assuring me she is not crying, when I see she I breaking down. She tells me she is happy so long as I am happy. The problem is she has no interests besides me, she has no close friends to speak with and it seems she doesn't feel comfortable talking with her husband about her problems. At this point I feel anxiety and disgust anytime we have to Skype or I meet her, though I hide it and smile, chat, and try to be a good daughter. This year, I just returned from home back to where I live and received an email from my step-dad telling me mom is really seriously depressed or worse, she isn't eating, she isn't speaking to him, giving him the cold shoulder and that when I am home she is a totally different person. This year my mother is also buying a small apartment for me abroad where I live. I know that she would do anything for me to live at home, but I made it clear that I am happy where I am and feel like it is my home now. verbally she respects it, but emotionally she cannot cope. After receiving the email from my step-dad I don't know whether I should continue living here or move back home. If I move, I know I will blame her for it in my heart, but if I stay I will be continuing to feel extreme guilt as I have been all my life towards her. For years I had serious insomnia when I moved abroad, with no real significant cause, but a panging guilt that I am causing my mother's depression must have been at the root of this. I suggested to my mother to get therapy and she knows she needs it, but I doubt she will go. I really don't know how to handle her emotionality. I feel she is an adult, she must deal with this herself, in fact there shouldn't be anything to deal with since moving out is a normal part of adult life - but I must also refer back to her history, that she has worked so hard for me and now I'm gone and she has no-one.... I know t his is how she feels, despite having a husband and a close family at home. Bah!

[kaliope]

Hi sad daughter
it is nice to see that you understand what is going on and do not take responsibility for your mother's feelings. you are right that you will resent your mother if you move back home. you are not responsible for your mother's depression. it is her choice for not seeking help. it is your job to become independent and move on with your life. you could perhaps use your influence over her to highly encourage her to seek help each time you talk to her, that that would bring you happiness above all. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hello SadDaughter: Welcome to PsychCentral. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health concerns, & to make internet friends. There are many wonderfully supportive members here on PsychCentral.

I'm an older person now & my parents are long since deceased. But I can recall going through something similar to what you describe. The only thing I can say is that you are an adult & you have your own life to live. You have to do what you think is best for you. I will say, though, that it seems like continuing to accept your mom's largesse may be just adding to the problem. If you want to be an independent adult, & chart your own course, then perhaps you should also consider severing the financial support cord.

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[Open Eyes]

Perhaps you should tell your mother that if she wants to see "you" happy then she should see a therapist.

How old is your mother? She could also be going through menopause. A change in hormones during menopause can cause depression and crying like you are discribing.

Welcome to PC SadDaughter.

((Hugs))
OE

[SadDaughter123]

Hello everyone and thank you for your insights.

I've never thought of telling my mother that her seeking out therapy is what would make me happy. That is really great advice. I have to go about it in a sensitive way, not to seem like I am pushing aside our "family" problems onto somebody else as a way of getting rid of her. However, I fully realize it is not my responsibility to be a vessel for her to spill out all her emotional baggage. My step-father and I have been speaking about this problem, for the first time , only recently. He is under the impression that therapy won't help her because she herself does not want it and will only visit a psychologist to satisfy me. Now things are getting really manipulative from his side. Because I made the mistake of sharing my doubts about continuing to live-abroad, he is trying to convince me to come back by saying he will help me financially and he will make "mom be on her best behavior, I promise, even if it means we'll make her put it in writing". I'm shocked by his response. From the beginning, he has been against me living abroad because of the pain it causes my mother and he feels I ran away from a situation at home and didn't give my home-town a chance to grow as an adult and find work there. There is a pinch of truth to that, but I truly feel happy and most productive where I currently live. Included in his latest revelations is that she is giving him hell, treating him poorly, refuses to acknowledge she is over-motherly and that it has negative unintended consequences. When he confronts her about this, and apparently several people in the family have as well, she is naturally defensive and claims he is saying that to punish her. She also refuses to let him visit me when she comes once a year to me, claiming that mother-daughter family time is normal and he shouldn't come. He gets upset and it has caused serious problems in their relationship. Now, because we have opened up the communication network (between my step-dad and I) , I feel he is using me as a last resort to calm my mother down and failing to see what is in my best interest.

Regarding severing the financial-cord - you are absolutely right. I have been refusing money from my mother ever since I started working, but there is nothing I can do to prevent her from this. However, I realize now that I must be much stronger and tell her in the most serious tone that it is not acceptable. I failed to mention that I have now turned down the offered apartment, I didn't say the exact reason, only that I am not sure about my future plans yet and I need time to think.

After speaking with my step-dad over the course of the last few days, it was also revealed that my mother believes that she is a horrible mom and has never done anything for me! Holy cow - talk about perverted perception. So now all her money gifts are quite clear. She has never really given me mature advice, has never truly offered me support other than money and unconditional consolation - but all this because she has been trying to make up for being a "Bad mom" - I have never thought this about her, and in fact all these woes sound so "middle class" and pathetic, I realize this... She is desperately trying to make up for lost time and to buy my love, possibly without realizing it and now my step-dad is on the wagon.

Enough is enough, I need to definitely cut the financial ties.

[SadDaughter123]

Open Eyes: yes, she is actually going through menopause, it so happened that it began around the time I moved abroad, I need to learn more about this.

[Rose76]

I think you know that if you return to living with or near your mom, it will be the beginning of her emotionally blackmailing you into revolving your life around her.

By all means, move back near her, if you want to live where she is. Don't go there thinking it will solve her depression. It won't. Your mother had serious emotional issues long before you were born.

Your mother is fully capable of completely ruining your life. Then the both of you will be horribly depressed. Save yourself.

[hvert]

I would not move back (unless you want to). You are not causing your mother's depression. My mother is similar to yours. We were always very close, she really sacrificed to raise us, didn't make her own friends because she had us to use as friends when we got older, kept us attached to her by bribes, etc. This kind of 'too nice' attachment is really not healthy and not normal.

When my mother went through menopause, she became even more difficult to deal with due to the moodiness and random lashing out. There's an end to this, but it may take a few years. I think what you are doing is a good choice.

[avlady]

menopause does sound like one reason. you should do what you want no matter what. you can't make others happy by appeasing them, in the long run you'll see she has to get help for herself.