Playing the victim? or just a fool..?

I've been in a relationship for 6 years - living together for 3. I am 27 and my partner 33. Over the course of our relationship we've had some issues:
1. Financially, though I'm younger i carry most of the financial responsibility. I pay more than my fair share of the bills; have had my credit ruined by co-signing for a loan my partner needed; am constantly having to give him money or cover bills that he is supposed to cover.
2. My partner is a bit possessive. he believes that I should only see my friends when he has something to do, or during my lunch time at work. Any other time, my free time belongs to him
3. He can be disrespectful, when angry speaks to me like some hoodlum who's about to fight on the streets - has done it in public which is really embarrassing

The thing is whenever I try to address any of these issues he claims that I'm playing the victim card, that it's my "favorite role to play". This pretty much takes away any valid complains or issues that I bring up and just makes me feel like I have to just deal with it as best I can and not address it.

He can be a very loving and caring guy, but after 6 years of being together I don't know if this is what I should be dealing with for the rest of my life. Any advise?

Hi Bebop_809

I am sorry to hear that you are in this complex situation.

First and foremost, are you receiving something like external counselling to help you through this? This may be of assistance to you.

To address some of the points that you raised.

Financially, so long as you continue to rescue your partner, he is enabled to be irresponsible with finances. This is a real tough one.

Secondly, your friends are your friends - in my personal opinion only, I don't feel one should be dominated by others with regards to when and under what conditions one should be free to interact with ones friends.

Thirdly, it sounds as if he needs counselling to address his anger issues.

Please let us know how you are travelling.

We are here to support you.

Take care.

. . . . only when it doesn't cost him anything.

You are not really a victim. To me a victim is someone who gets something forced on them. This guy isn't forcing himself on you. He walks into your life with absolutely nothing to offer, except a warm body, and you say, "That's okay . . . . stick around. . . . I need the company."

You talk about wanting to "address these issues." The problem is not that your boyfriend and you have issues. The problem is that your boyfriend's approach to life is to use people. That's not an issue that you can address. He is telling you to either take it or leave it. Furthermore, if you complain about the deal he is giving you, he will intimidate you and/or denigrate you into stopping your complaints.

Your boyfriend probably has some complaints of his own. Like he doesn't see why you won't go and co-sign another loan to cover the cost of something else that he thinks he deserves to have. If he isn't saying that now, it's just a matter of time.

Ask yourself if you are the first person he has ever used. Does he have a history of being a good guy to other people? What did he do for the first 27 years of his life? You're unhappy about "having to give him money." What would happen, if you stopped doing that? Do you think he might find another girlfriend to pick up the slack?

Where did he learn to act like a hoodlum? Maybe it's not an act.

Go for couples therapy .. If he refuses .. then make plans to leave the relationship. No reason to stay in a relationship that lacks common kindness and respect.

No respect = No healthy relationship.

Welcome to PC

I suggest that people don't support others financially unless they are at least legally commited to each other. Stop supporting him please

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