[Leigh15]

I have been in a relationship for just over a year. I was open with my partner about my mental health from the start as his ex also had Borderline Personality. He has depression and anger issues. So from the beginning there was bound to be struggles.
Lately I am feeling overwhelmed and extremely anxious as I feel we are becoming more and more distant.
I don't trust him and I don't know if it is something that can improve and if so, I don't know what I can do to start improving it.

I see my boyfriend on weekends as I work during the week. He is unemployed and does not have his license. We use to see eachother for 1 night during the week but he did not want to continue with it because of his anxiety on trains & lack of money. I pay for practically everything as he always says he doesn't have any money but then I find out he regularly buys items that he wants. He makes up stories and then a few weeks later contridicts himself. E.g - he told me he had lost his license and owns an Impala then a few weeks later asks for driving lessons and said he wished he had the money to buy an Impala, he told me he was in the army but when I asked why he didn't write it on his resume (as it has been his only apparent job) he tells me it wasn't just a job to him and he doesn't consider it as a job. Although due to his age and mental/physical health I don't think he would be eligible. He has a daughter to his ex girlfriend and I am not allowed to be present when he visits her. His ex doesn't know he is in a relationship (because he fears she will take his daughter away from him) and if she rings I have to keep quiet so she doesn't hear me. Then there is the fact he is protective with his phone. He never leaves his phone around me - if his phone is charging on the bedside table, he won't let me lay on the side of the bed that it's next too, he won't answer calls or read text until I am out of sight. He always puts his phone face down so the screen isn't visible. He says he has no friends (except 1 in another state) but is frequently texting and if I ask it's always the same person. I have never met any of his friends or extended family. I have caught him talking to a girl on a dating website, but he insisted he was trying to find friends. I have caught him lying about who he is texting/calling and it's always some girl who needs advice. All these incidents have broken my trust which causes constant battles because I can't let go. Recently we have been having less sex..I could stand naked or wear lingerie infront of him and he wouldn't even notice. I can't initiate sex because it makes him uncomfortable and I want it too much. So, I have to wait until he wants it and it's my fault if he doesn't want it because he's stressed and I keep bringing up the past...
My self esteem is destroyed. My trust is gone and my mental health is going down hill.

When we are good, we are great but the trust has gone. He said this year will be different but I don't see it.

I need advice! How do I deal with this? Is my BPD causing me to over think and over react to these situations? Is it worth it? Am I being paranoid? Can trust be rebuilt? I keep pushing and pulling him because I'm scared he will leave but I don't want to be with someone doesn't appreciate me.

Thanks!

[Open Eyes]

Hi Leigh,

From what you have discribed, it sounds to me like your BF has self esteem problems.
That is what the lies are about and needing to hide his phone too, even needing to be on a dating site. People that have partners like this notoriously self blame and ask what is wrong with me? Well, most of the time it has nothing to do with the confused partner being lied to, it is more about how the partner with the low self esteem begins to feel inadequate and nervous and is trying to find a way to somehow boost his/her own ego.
So it is not "you" that is not good enough, it is more about your partner's fear and low self esteem which is not something "you" can fix for him. You have a job, he doesn't, you have things, he doesn't, you have direction, he doesn't but lies and pretends he does to help himself feel better.

You probably have had people like this in your life before and you have blamed yourself when you should "not" when they let you down. It can be very unfortunate when we care about someone, befriend them and because they have such low self esteem do things that are deceptive and hurtful. Learn the symptoms of when a person has "low self esteem issues" so you don't wind up coming up empty like this because your partner is too busy trying to figure out how to fix his own low self esteem and doesn't think of "you". These challenged individuals tend to withdraw and hide things and lie, not your fault.

[unaluna]

I would dump him.

[Irene84]

The fact you don't trust him is a good thing. It means that even though your attachment to him is strong, you can still think clearly. Eventually you'll start seeing (and feeling) that he isn't special or rare...and that unfortunately there are millions of guys out there like him. Then you'll meet one or two, or 100 that are much better and choose one of them.

[Rose76]

This guy sounds way too sneaky to me. My gut response is the same as hankster's. It doesn't sound to me like he has anything much going on . . . on any front of his life. You could probably go out on the street and pick out anyone at random and do better for yourself.

Ask yourself why you are setting the bar so low in what you expect of a man. To begin with he needs to man up and get a job and start supporting his child. I would advise you to stop trying to relate everything to this psych diagnosis or that. Basically, this guy is a loser, whatever else he might be.

[turquoisesea]

based on just 1 post... this doesnt sound good and I'd also consider leaving him. Or maybe bringing up the issue of the phone. Problem is, he probably won't let you see it and even if he does he can clean everything out and be sneakier given the time. So in the end it does come down to trust. I learned the hard way that some people are not to be trusted - I think its important to try to figure out WHY you don't trust. If its because of innate anxiety/a mental problem of your own then keep trying but if its like what it seems in this case - there are REASONS you might not want to trust consider the lack of trust might be there for good reason.

[Rose76]

The issue of the phone strikes me a little different. I think people need to keep their noses out of other people's phones. That is not to say that his behavior with the phone is normal. It sounds sneaky, as does his behavior otherwise.

I don't think your distrust is based on your own anxiety issues, and don't let him try to sell you on that. The guy's just not trustworthy.

[Sigirl4evr]

This is easier said than done. You can not fix anyone that does not want to be fixed. From your post you both have medical issues but you only seeing the issues will not fix his end. If I had of learned this 5 years ago I would not have waisted 5 years of my life trying to help someone that says he doesn't have anything wrong with him. I went through what you are going through about the sex thing. I said I do and w did good to have sex once a month. I was told many of times he didn't feel good he was sick. But he could talk to his best friend every day 9 to 10 hours on the phone and play a computer game with him for at least 5 hours a day. This really hurt me to see what all I did for him and in return he couldn't even talk to me 5 minutes when I got home from work. My point is if you keep trying, you will just keep getting hurt and feel worse than you already do. I kept thinking if I could just show him how much life is with me in the picture I could make it work. Wrong, I could have fell over dead in my tracks and I really think he would have kicked me out of his way and walked on. It may hurt you now but you will hurt a lot worse the longer i goes on. He will never treat you like you need to be treated. I say this because if you are working and footed the bills for him to come and see you, while he buys what he wants with his money. It is so hard to see when we just want to fix things and have a happy life with someone. You may not meet someone soon, but you will one day. And I will say this, I have learned the alone feeling is not as bad as thinking you have someone and you are alone. I really hope some us this helps you and you do not have to go through the hurt as long as I did.

[Bill3]

What do you like about him?

[eskielover]

So often we ignore the red flags that are waving right there in our fact, telling us that this relationship isn't good & we need to stop wasting our time with this person.

I ALWAYS listen to my red flags now because I didn't & ended up in a 33 year BAD marriage....

We can try to excuse away bad behavior.....but it's ALWAYS going to be there...leapords don't change their spots.....lying is the largest red flag of all......no matter what they are covering up with the lies, they are covering something up. I lived with a guy who would just NOT tell me something & thought because he didn't say it, it wasn't a lie....but a cover up is a lie just the same....you have reasons NOT to trust this guy.....so stop trying to make up reasons to trust him.

Sex NEVER FIXES any relationship....it only makes you more attached to him when he could care less....

I think Rose76 put it perfectly.

You could probably go out on the street and pick out anyone at random and do better for yourself.

He's not even offering you anything from his side of the relationship....NOTHING.....no money, no emotional involvement.....he's USING YOU for what he wants when he wants it & you are the one paying for it (time & money)......that is NOT called a RELATIONSHIP.

[Leigh15]

Thank you for all your advice.
I believe his behaviour and actions have caused my anxiety and paranoia to become more severe.
Although I accept that I do have a few problems that are long standing and are nothint to do with him and I am attempting to work through them. He belives that the reason I am worried and paranoid is nothing to do with him and everything to do with my mental health. -.-

I am highly considering ending it and am in the midst of finding a psychologist to work with me through it.

Thanks again! I appreciate all your help x

[toolman65]

I think you have answered your own question....you only see him at weekends so who knows what he gets up to.... or with whom. Being hyper-possessive about the phone is a dead give away. How does he afford it anyway?

Without trust there can be no future. Let him be someone else's problem.

LOVE your avatar, btw

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Leigh15

He belives that the reason I am worried and paranoid is nothing to do with him and everything to do with my mental health. -.-

I don't think that's what he believes. That's what he is telling you because he thinks that you're dumb enough to believe that, if he says it. And you know what? I don't think you're anywhere near that dumb.

Stop calling yourself paranoid and give this guy his walking papers. And be very glad that you have decent instincts to know when someone is taking you for a ride.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Leigh15

I accept that I do have a few problems that are long standing and are nothint to do with him and I am attempting to work through them.

Right now, your main problems have everything to do with him.

To be in a good relationship, first of all you have to have a good partner to be in it with.

You don't need a professional counselor to talk you into doing what you already know you need to do. What's wrong with you just deciding that, "No, I don't need this jerk wasting my time."

[eskielover]

I thought the problems I was having in my marriage were my fault UNTIL I LEFT & found out that I wasn't even anything like the person I was while living in the marriage with him......It was his behaviors that pushed me to that point....& pushed me to the overflow place.

As soon as I left (moved 2100 miles away).....I realized that the person I was in the marriage wasn't who I really was......because if it was, then I still would have been that same person after I left.....& it turned out that it was nothing like who I really was.

Don't blame everything on problems you think you have......he can be driving you to be those things.....

GET AWAY FROM HIM & figure out who you really are. You don't need a psychologist to work with you through the leaving process....you need to just NOT have anything more to do with him.......

Unless you have some co-dependent thing going on & you don't feel that you can leave without someone there pushing you.....but in reality.....T's don't do that in the first place.....they try to make you understand what you need to do & YOU HAVE TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN......they may or may not give the support you think you are going to receive from them.

Shoot.....my psychologists never realized that the problems (even my suicide attempts) were really because I was trapped in the bad marriage....not JUST because of the loss of my engineering career. I didn't even figure that out until I finally was able to leave......also found out what was causing his behaviors is something that most people struggle & fight against also.....so I realized that it wasn't me but a normal reaction to the situation I was forced to live in at the time.

GET OUT....& GET OUT NOW....if you only see him on weekends....just stop seeing him on weekends......& cut off all communication......no big deal.....you will be surprised at the person you really are after you quit dealing with all the crap you have been allowing yourself to be forced into dealing with.