[barx]

I've been wondering for quite some time if anyone can tell me the difference between excuses versus reasons. I've been with someone for a pretty long time and just about any time that I bring up an issue that I need reassurance on or an issue that bothers me, my spouse almost always resorts to defending their position and giving their reasons behind their logic. For the most part, I understand that. I get that everyone has a "reason" for why they do what they do, but over the years it just starts to sound like excuses to me. The reason I say this, and I wish it wasn't so, but I'm trying to come to grips with something that I may not be able to deal with any longer. Instead of my spouse trying to comfort me and maybe saying he's sorry for being insensitive or just plain sorry and try to do better, he just gets too defensive for any productivity. So the issue gets "swept under the rug" and never gets resolved with me. In the meantime, he will try to be lovey to me and hold my hand or something and when I don't reciprocate, because there are so many old issues that he just wants to "get over" without ever resolving them, he gets mad at me and essentially accuses me of being difficult or the reason. It's like a double whammy for me; first I go to him with an issue that bothers me (without resolution but instead an argument ensues) and then to top it off, later when he is ready to love on me but i'm not ready, i then get the cold shoulder and blame from him for "rejecting" him. I just don't get it. I'm tired of this. Don't get me wrong. He's not a bad person or anything. He treats me very good unless I need emotional support from him especially when it comes to particular issues around his grown kids and his ex wife. I just would have thought that after 13 years of marriage, he would be sensitive to my needs, but not. I've always felt second choice and I get that, but I just think that I deserve better treatment given that we've been married far longer than his first marriage and I've never cheated on him and have always sacrificed for him; unlike his first wife, yet, I can't get what I deserve. Sad but true. I'm about done. I think my husband must be an incredibly selfish person to be how he is to me.

Any thoughts?

[possum220]

An excuse is wanting to get out of something. A reason is giving details about why he is wanting to avoid something. Sounds like a dog would be good company for you at the moment. Maybe talking to a therapist would be beneficial?

[barx]

Originally Posted by possum220

An excuse is wanting to get out of something. A reason is giving details about why he is wanting to avoid something. Sounds like a dog would be good company for you at the moment. Maybe talking to a therapist would be beneficial?

Thanks. That's what I thought. I hear so many "reasons" of why this or that, instead of meeting me with understanding and validation, that it just starts to sound like excuses to me.

I know that people are going to disagree and are not always going to see things the same way, however, I think that there is something wrong when just about all times he has his "reasons" to explain why he acted insensitive, which tends to be what I struggle with with him. I feel that he is very insensitive to me and my needs and I get ran over anytime I try to put my need out there. So it's these moments that I get his "reasons" as to why he didn't do something that I thought he should have when it comes to supporting me. I try to tell him that somethings wrong if he is always on a different page than me etc. but he just says that he just sees things different. I get that, but come on... this often. I may very well be wrong and that's why I decided to write here, but it just feels selfish to me. It feels like he supports me as long as it doesn't get in the way of his needs. I try to explain this to him and how this has always made me feel to no avail. It somehow gets twisted and thrown back on me.

[barx]

It just feels good to vent here.

[kim_johnson]

An excuse is typically a bad reason. There are defences, too. The defence of 'rationalisation'. I think the idea of that is that if the person were to...

Really comfort themself a lot... So they could face up to something psychologically hard for themself... They wouldn't find the rationalisation to be very reasonable, either.

[hvert]

I think reasons can be excuses and vice versa. If A does something crummy to B, it doesn't really matter *why* A did it. What matters to B is that B is unhappy as a result of A's action. A needs to own it and apologize and resolve not to do it again. If A gives a reason or an excuse instead of just apologizing and acknowledging their actions, it's not satisfying.

[healingme4me]

If he's reasoning shoddy behavior, it's an excuse.

There's excusable excuses, such as running late, due to traffic.

Then there's inexcusable excuses.

Rational justification, such as sorry I wasn't clear, i didn't get enough sleep.

Then i forget, the right term, but rationalization of poor behavior choices in order to deflect that it's a poor choice, such as what it sounds like he might be doing, from your description. As in, this is just the way I am, not only won't I change, I also refuse to compromise.

Is couples counseling an option?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[kim_johnson]

I wonder about couples counseling, too. He might be reluctant, but if you could make him... Because it sounds like mis-communication stuff...

[insertname]

It sounds like he refuses to take responsibility to me.

The reason it sounds like excuses is because he is not even validating your right to emotion.

If he said: "I'm sorry if I upset you, it's important to me that you don't feel that way. From my perspective the reason I ___A____ is because ____B____, and not an indication that I don't care, but it sounds like I'm not communicating that well. What is it that made you feel I don't care? It's better I understand so I don't upset you in the future..."

Etc.

If that's not what he was doing then it's not effective.

The other possibility, to play devil's advocate, would be that you are asking for reassurance over and above what it is possible to give. I only say this because I have a friend like that and in all honesty I eventually started to avoid her because I was sick of reassuring her (but that was also accompanied by the fact she doesn't really give anything back to the friendship). I can't really think of an example right this second of what that looks like...but it's probably not the case anyway.