[greenpunkergirl]

Ok, so I am a little lost and confused......... I don't get men...... ever. My friends say I am like a man, needing an anvil sized hint dropped on my head before I get whatever is going on romantically....... and they're right. So now, I am seeing if I am right, or if I am dead wrong. Please respond back if you have the answer.......... here goes.......
I went on this date on 2sday, admitedly with a guy I had met off the net...........I can't talk to guys in person, so personals are what I use. We purposely got lost, ate dinner, had drinks, and then hung out at my place. He has to be the one of the nicest people I have ever met. We talked about anything & everything........ I even was able to tease him about being from Wisconson. He never tried anything funny, even when we kissed. He told me he wanted to see me again this friday, and I haven't heard from him since. I admit, he's got me a little infatuated, and I was wondering if it is normal for a guy to play a little non-chalant, and contact a girl a little later, just so as not to seem desperate or needy like we do to them. If you have the answer.......pls. tell me! Thanks

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there -- I teach community college, and here is what little knowledge I have from my students:

If a guy says he's going to call you, he probably won't. To a guy, this is not a commitment. To a gal, it is. I am clueless about "I want to see you on Friday."

You might do some perception checking to be sure that is what he said and not what you inferred.

I'm not sure it is such a good idea to bring someone you've just met back to your apartment so quickly. Serial killer Ted Bundy, for example, had a charming way about him that caused pretty girls he had just met to allow him to walk him to their cars.

Please be careful.

[muse]

Couldn't agree more. I hope and pray that this guy is just a sweet, charming fellow who is honestly interested in you, but remember, men, no matter HOW nice, ONLY WANT ONE THING quite a lot of the time. It's sad but true.

If the guy wants to see you Friday, call him! Make plans to go out, but keep it casual and DON'T go back to his place!! Taking him to yours is also risky, but being in unfamiliar territory is worse. You need to test the waters with him, learn more about him and whether you two are compatible. I don't know what kind of a relationship you're looking for, but if you want something long-term, don't rush! Take your time and have fun. My BF and I took quite a while to "officially" get together because we wanted to make SURE it was going to work.

As to "understanding" men... I'm still young and new to this, but from my observations I have learned that, basically:

*the good ones are fairly simple: treat them with the respect, kindness and attention you want to receive, and they'll be happy to treat you like a princess
AND
*the bad ones aren't worth trying to understand!

No matter what happens, GOOD LUCK!!

[greenpunkergirl]

Well I know it's not normally safe to take a guy back to the pad so quick, but one, we never went inside, I know to keep things public, and 2 I have a 350 lb. guy roomie, who is my best buds boy toy...... so I know I am safe if he tried anything funny. And truely, I have no clue what I want, I am kinda going with life's flow........and it's worked so far......I am currently alive and kicking. I will always be safe........ I have to talk a lot with a person on the net.........we're talking months.... b4 I will go on a date with them. So yea, it's not fool proof, but I try. I hope he's a nice guy....... cuz I am infatuated. Oh well, thanks for the imput guys...... I really appreciate it! (((((((((huggles for all)))))))))))) LUV U ALL!

[Wants2Fly]

Oh I am so relieved that took all the sensible precautions not to be alone with a new male acquaintance. Keep us posted on how it develops.

[seeker1950]

I've been divorced 10 years and had several longterm relationships which resulted from meeting on the Internet. I no longer go there to meet men. I know others here have met their life partners or husbands that way, but my experience was really bad, taking many years to recover from each one! I no longer try to meet men, period, but especially on the Internet. People can and do present themselves any and every way there.
You are young, and surely can meet fellas in a healthier way.
As for this guy, and not calling you back...I say dismiss it and don't call him!
I agree with Want2fly...
Patty

I think the answer is... To stop trying to put him in the box of 'typical guy' and instead try and figure him out as a person.

Usually... The best way we have to figure what is going on with someone is... To ask them. And then to assess their behaviour (which means over time we come to learn how much they are transparent to themself such that they are able to report what is going on for them).

He said he would call but he didn't. Some possible reasons include:

- Someone he knows got ill or something so his life has become unexpectedly captured by that and everything else has gone temporarily out the window.
- He got ill or something like that.
- He never intended to call. (But that would be strange because it sounds like you both had a good time).
- He intended to call but changed his mind. (Maybe he got worried that you didn't have such a good time or something).

Do you have an email for him or something like that?

You could tell him that you had a good time and you were looking forward to catching up with him again if he would like that.

I'm not sure about what is 'normal' but then I've never been all that keen on 'normal' guys (or trying to be 'normal' myself) and so I'm not sure how much that would help you ;-)

[seeker1950]

Maybe, but, EXCEPT, what you are saying sounds like enabling excuses for him. Even IF someone were ill, or he were ill himsielf, he WOULD call you if he were sincere.
Patty

Well... You just don't know. Extreme example...

But what if some family member (grandma, cousin joe) or whatever down in Florida got hit by a bus and is in a coma and the whole family flew down to be with them. I'm not sure that I'd call someone I'd met once to apologise... I'm really not sure that it would even occur to me to do so (with other things that would be at the forefront of my mind at that point in time).

Extreme example to be sure. I guess my thought is just that there are any number of understandable reasons why he didn't contact you. He could have lost his job and have fallen into a depression or lost his internet connection or his house could have caught fire or... Well... Who knows.

All I really mean to say is that the only way you will know is if you ask him. And if he says 'yeah, it would be good to catch up' but then doesn't... Well... After a couple times of that it is time to cut your losses. But at this point... Good to at least let him explain methinks.

(I wouldn't push him to explain either at this point. Just say you would be keen to catch up. If that does happen you could ask him out of curiosity).

I just mean... He could be Mr right... But things do come up sometimes...

[seeker1950]

Alexandra...In my cynical mentality about men, I think "NAH!"

yeah. i'm tempted to do that as well. my father was terrific at promising to do something and then not following through on it. i guess i expect to be disappointed and stuff quite a lot too.

and... i find that i've also acquired that trait from him. tend to avoid when i'm scared.

i agree that the cynicism could well be justified in this instance. it might be that this guy has a habit of making promises and not really following through on them...

but on the other hand... sounds like you guys had a really great time and given that... i guess i'd take a bit more time to assess things.

because it can be too easy to write people off :-(

[desperado]

I would wait until the end of the w/e. Smthg could've come up, but common decency is to call & @ least let you know. If he doesn't call, then, no skin off your bk, sister. Forget about him & move on. Plenty of fishies..........

Btw: excellent bk: "He's Just Not That Into You" -- will most likely answer a lot of your questions.

[Meta]

Hi greenpunkergirl,
Nope. I don't get men. When I was a small girl, I adored my father who was alcoholic. From my teenage years on, I realized he was very selfish and not trustworthy, but I still loved him. I didn't learn anything about relationships. I certainly didn't know how to read if men were truly interested or what the signals were. . I don't think women are more needy than men. Perhaps we show it or act needy more, but it's a human need. Have some fun planned for yourself or friends this weekend, maybe start chatting with someone else, male or female. I glad you were safe about meeting him. I wasn't always that smart, but I was lucky.

Meta

[greenpunkergirl]

ok guys, I was told to put up an update, and since the last one, I have been very busy......... we had our date, it was magical........ we hung out for almost 24 hours, and he never tried anything funny...... again , and as I was reading your responses, he left me an e-mail saying he missed me........ and we are going to see each other again when he gets back form Vegas on Tuesday........... gosh I am infatuated! Anyone know what to do when you miss somebody really really bad?

[goofygirl]

And on the bright side... we baffle them, too! Glad date number two went well! Best of luck!

[muse]

I know that feeling SOOOO well!! XD It almost hurts, but in a good way, right? My boyfriend lives in another city, so we only see each other once or twice a month (I get to see him TOMORROWWWWW... but off-topic, sorry), so I know EXACTLY how you feel. ^.^

I am EXTACTIC that this guy seems so sweet--but remember, don't let your guard down just yet, hehe. As to the feelings of missing him, well... unfortunately there's not a whole lot you can do. ^.^ Try watching a movie or hanging out with friend, just something to distract you 'till you see each other again.

I am so incredibly happy for you--good luck, and I hope this leads to something really wonderful for ya!

[Rhapsody]

IMO - I would YES.................... this is normal behavior for a lot of guys, even if they do like you - for they do not want to come across as being to needy or wanting just in case the girl does not feel the same way.

Hang in there and try to remain patient and in time he will call...... or he just might show up at your door step on Friday night assuming that you two had a standing date for he had already stated that he wanted to see you again - and on FRIDAY.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[seeker1950]

My exp has been that men do not like to talk much! Unless I should miraculously meet a man who can express his feelings verbally, be able to discuss disagreements, etc., I prefer to be alone!
Patty

[greenpunkergirl]

he hasn't written to me in over 24 hrs........ I really miss him, I can't get him off my mind at work, I dream about hanging with him, I don't want to go on the date I have planned for tommarow with a different guy......(I want to make sure I get it right this time!) I just can't get him out of my mind.......ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

[muse]

If you've got a date planned with another guy but you're really really focused on this one, I might just back out on Guy #2. Then again, if you're not sure of Guy #1's feelings... well, that IS a sticky situation. ^.^ I know how you feel though. Why not write him a short e-mail if you miss him so much, just to see what happens? Nothing too sappy or mushy, just a quick, "hi, how are ya, thanks again for the great evening, ttyl!" Something like that.

Again, good luck, and I hope all goes well no matter what happens.

[desperado]

GPG,

I didn't mean to insinuate that he wasn't interested in you by giving you that ref to that book........and I apologize.......I worded it wrongly.

Great that he got back to you. All the best. But remember: keep busy & worry about yourself FIRST, girl.

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greenpunkergirl said:
ok guys, I was told to put up an update, and since the last one, I have been very busy......... we had our date, it was magical........ we hung out for almost 24 hours, and he never tried anything funny...... again , and as I was reading your responses, he left me an e-mail saying he missed me........ and we are going to see each other again when he gets back form Vegas on Tuesday........... gosh I am infatuated! Anyone know what to do when you miss somebody really really bad?

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Schedule 2 sessions per week with them? Oh wait-- I'm mixing this up with my therapist. Hahaha. But seriously, that's great Mr. Punkergirl. I'm happy for you! Hey wait-- today is Tuesday! So that means you are getting together with him today. Let us know how it goes.

[greenpunkergirl]

Well, he gets back today, I don't think I'll be seeing him today. I wish I would see him today, the 4 days apart has been kinda well, huh, I don't know how to describe it. I know that I have missed him a heck of a lot.........especially because he never e-mailed, but he was in Vegas with his parents, and I assume that he is really busy. But, I am sure we will hang again soon....... le sigh.

[greenpunkergirl]

oh bother........he said that he deeply cares, he is awesome, and now I look like a leopard.......poo-diddles. How am I supposed to go into work?