How Do You Tell Him...

How do you tell your boyfriend he stinks? My boyfriend doesn't bathe very often, about once a week, and he missed his last shower because he was late for church! I let him have the bed for the night (our bed is lumpy and has a spring sticking up on the side I used to sleep on, so if I'm not using it overnight, I let him have it--I can't sleep on the couch, so I take it if I'm sleeping during the night), but I really dread going in there to get sleep in a little while, after he gets up, because I have to lay in the spot he slept, sweated and smelled up. I just took a shower a few hours ago, so that makes it even worse, because I like to feel and smell fresh and clean. There's also my OCD issues, but I'm posting here just to ask how to bring it up without hurting or offending him. He gets defensive sometimes, or doesn't like me saying certain things to him (although he can say certain things to me that I don't like, but whatever). Any advice?

Oh dear Maven, personal hygeine is such a difficult issue to bring up with a person. I really feel for your situation.

I used to be married to a man who only showered maybe once a week if I was lucky. When we first started out together he showered more but got progressively worse as he aged. It was a difficult situation.

I used to do things like take a shower at night, come out and say, I got your towels ready for you for your shower. Sometimes he would take the hint and get into the shower, other times not. Or sometimes I would just say nonchalantly, "So, are you popping in the shower anytime soon?" "I'm just planning when I'm going to take mine."

And sometimes I would just have to say to him "hon, you are a little ripe today....showertime do ya think???" That usually worked, but I hated having to be like that. I mean he was an adult for crying out loud *sigh*

The only suggestion I can make is to maybe ask him very lovingly...."hey hon, how about showering together *nudge nudge* *wink* *wink*" LOL....make it a "loving" and "playful" thing. Who knows, he might enjoy it (and you too!) LOL

Good luck Maven....sure hope you can come up with something!

Hugsssssss
J

The guy I used to live with didn't shower every day like I do. He's a musician and I guess that grungy thing makes him look cool. Fortunately, he didn't get as smelly as some guys do -- didn't seem to sweat much. There were times I told him he reeked, though. Especially after a night playing in a bar, he would smell like whisky, skunky beer and dirty ashtrays. I would bring it up in sort of a joking way, something like... "Okay, you stink. Go hose off or you're not getting anywhere near me." So, he'd laugh, smell his pits, make a face, and then go take a shower.

I never made it a really serious issue. I figured if I approached him as if it was something very important and serious that we needed to have "a talk" about, that would have embarrassed him. He responded very well to me saying, "Yo, you stink!" though. We could both laugh about it. He would usually say something about how he hated showering because "it's just so tedious" but he would shower anyway.

Most of the guys I have known wouldn't be offended by being told they smelled bad -- because of the kind of guys they are. You know, the kind of guys who think farts are funny. So, it wasn't insulting to them like it would be to most women. I know I'm generalizing here, but it seems to me that a lot of guys wouldn't be as sensitive about that sort of thing. Maybe you're just imagining how awful YOU would feel if he said the same thing to you and projecting that? It seems that part of the reason you might be so worried about mentioning it to him is because you knows he gets defensive about your OCD issues sometimes, so I can understand why bringing up hygiene with him would make you nervous. I don't think this is an OCD issue, though. Most women don't want their man to smell bad. Period. I don't have OCD, but I don't want to smell a dirty man. I like things that smell nice and clean. Your bf might not be insulted at all. Can you bring it up in a light-hearted way so it doesn't seem like a big issue? He might be glad that you told him.

Another thought -- maybe changing the sheets -- giving yourself fresh sheets to sleep on would help you get a better rest? Make sure you always have a fresh spare set of sheets. I know people who don't have OCD who change the sheets everyday. (I'm lazy, so I only do it once a week.) It's so much nicer to sleep on freshly laundered sheets.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Juliana said:
I would bring it up in sort of a joking way, something like... "Okay, you stink. Go hose off or you're not getting anywhere near me." So, he'd laugh, smell his pits, make a face, and then go take a shower.

I never made it a really serious issue. I figured if I approached him as if it was something very important and serious that we needed to have "a talk" about, that would have embarrassed him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree that this is a good way to handle the situation, if you can manage it.

Thanks, but the sex thing won't work, because he isn't the least bit interested in sex with me.

And he doesn't respond like most men to many things. He does take things kind of personally. It's not my OCD, or because that's how I might take it. He tends to be more sensitive than most guys.

We only have two sets of sheets, and I don't have money to buy more. This is one of the reasons I told him I want my own room and my own bed when we move into our house. It's gross when I open the bedroom door when he's in there and this horrible smell hits me. I'm not trying to be mean, but it's really bad.

If I didn't wash his clothes, he'd probably wear them a lot longer without washing. He tells me if I haven't washed something (like if it needs to be washed with certain things I only have a few of, like only washed in cold, so I try to wait till they all need washing) that is getting stinky, so I'm not sure why it doesn't occur to him that he needs washing after a week of no showers, too. He just sprays on deodorant and cologne.

Thanks, anyway. I will still have to deal with the smell after we move, but as soon as I have my bed, at least I won't have to sleep in it.

wish we could help, we have the oppisite, hubby is OCD and bathes 3-4 times a day

Being your boyfriend and probably being rather close sexually (like a husband) I would just come out and tell him, but with tact as to not hurt his feelings - or pride.

Maybe explain to him that you would like to be closer to him when he is home or when in bed together, but that you have to be honest and say that his present body hygiene (or lack of it) is getting hard for you to handle....... Good Luck.

Hi Maven,
Think of it this way, you know when you're at a party or at work and you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and then see that you got a booger hanging out of your nose? Your first thought is "Why didn't any of my friends tell me?" Yeah, it's embarrassing but you really appreciate it that someone tells you straight up that there's something offensive about you that you're not aware of.
Just tell him like you'd want someone to tell you if you had bad breath. It's not going to make him feel good but it's better then you dreading going near him or anywhere he's been. I'd be mortified if I found out someone stayed away from me because I stunk-I'd be like, Why didn't you just tell me????
Good luck. (((((((Maven))))))))

you can tell him, but it's unlikely it will change for a long period of time. I was married to a guy who didn't like bathing, and I bribed him, threatened him, gave him ultimatums, and the best it ever got was when he bathed up to once a month. Now, we weren't sexually active, but I know a girl in your position who was sexually active with her man, and would only have sex with him if he bathed that day. Try that, and as for the sleeping thing, try flipping over the mattress when he isn't looking.

As I said, we're not having sex. We haven't had sex for almost eight years. He has no interest and says he doesn't have the stamina because of his weight. We no longer sleep together (sexually or literally sleep) because our mattress has a spring sticking up where I used to sleep.

Jax, that might be the only way to do it. Thanks.

Maven, I hope I am not being insensitive to ask this. I am wondering, Why are you with someone who doesn't have intimate relations with you, smells bad, cannot provide financially, and to whom you feel awkward talking honestly? I'm not able to see the upside.

im so sorry your having to go through this..are you weak stomached? I throw up at the slightest...my boyfriends sister doesnt bathe...i guess she is in the whole 15 years old i dont want to get a bathe stage..but i smelled her clothes and ended up puking 5 times in a row... that gave her a clue..lol and she put them in the washing machine...

He must have other redeeming qualities for you to be staying with him. No good advice since you aren't having sex (neither are my husband & I for about a yr. due to my weight gain--another emotionally-charged issue) so you can't use sex as a lure for him to take a shower. I guess you just need to take care of yourself & sleep in another room to escape his odor.--Suzy

W2F, I've posted about my relationship many times before, but the situation is, I have OCD, can't live just anywhere because of it, have no money to get out on my own, and I can't live with anyone else, because other people's homes are dirty to me. No matter how it was cleaned, it would still be a problem. We're getting our own house, soon, but I'm nervous about it. I'd rather he'd taken one of the brand new houses I've seen. But, anyway...

I'm stuck in the situation I'm in. He does provide for me financially, but needs my money, too. He ran up a lot of credit card debt even before he met me, so his problem is that he didn't manage his finances well. Had I the money, I'd be gone.

Hello Maven -- I hope I didn't make you feel that you had to answer to me in some way. I do hope you eventually find your way to a more appealing and comfortable situation for yourself.

No, you didn't W2F. I just wanted to keep it short, because, as I said, I've posted before, and it can get quite long. You can look up the posts, if it's of interest, but I gave you the gist.

On the bright side, he took a shower for church today, and I just changed the bed sheets...I'm sleeping there at night now, though, so he isn't sleeping on the bed right now. But my hours will eventually get backwards again, LOL!

And thanks for the well wishes.