[PetitBateau]

Hello!

I am a 21 years old girl who desperately need a professional advice to prevent her family from falling apart.

I live in a conservative christian family (Middle East), my childhood was great, my parents tried their best to provide for my sister an I all things any child and teenager can wish for.

My mom was the perfect mom and wife for 20 years, she and dad lived happily together. Things in our lives were getting better especially financially since my parents passed in a hard time when i has a child.

I thought i lived in the most happy family until 2 years ago.
I found out that mom was being infidel to my dad. I knew she was bcz i started doubting her behavior, she was changing, always texting (my mom never did) staying late after work, always angry, always away, she never gave me the password for her phone even when i needed to borrow it for urgent reasons. I managed to unlock her phone and found love messages from a man. This shocked me a loooooot since my mom is a very ethic person and good wife. I didnt know what to do, my friend adviced me to tell dad so I did (he guessed who the man was and he knew him from a work party). He confronted my mom, she said that nothing happened and it was just some stupid texting, she said she is sorry and this will never ever happen again, and cried for a week. Dad believed and forgave her bcz he loves her sooo much and trusts her blindly. I believed her bcz i wished that none of that had ever happened. She blamed me for telling dad and accused me for killing our family. Things got back to "normal" after a while, dad managed to stop thinking about what happened after a few months.

After a while, i doubted in my mom's behavior again. The same story happened again. I found out she was cheating, and that it's not just "stupid texting" she was seeing the man and she fell in love with him. I confronted her and did not tell my dad this time. She was very angry with me, she accused me again saying it's none of my business. I was shocked to see my mom change like that, bcz my old mom, if she knew i found out she is cheating, would kill herself from shame. But instead, she is defending her right of having "a friend" and she never admitted having an affair with him. She promised she will never talk to him again, but i didnt believe her.

Again after a while she returned to behave in a way that made me doubt and i discovered sexual talks between them on the phone, and i confronted her with proofs and a recording that proves seeing him many times. Agaiiiiin instead of feeling ashamed or sorry (not to me but to her family) or at least tell me she regrets what she has done, she says it's not my job to tell her how to live, it's her life and she is not hurting anybody. she tells me that what happens between her and dad in none of my business. I think that it is directly related to my sister and I, and it is our job to help protect our family, and if we found out that someone needs help we have to speak out. And if mom and dad divorce, it is us who are going to have a messed up life, especially that for 20 years our life at home was very loving and caring.

Every time I confront my mom, she manages to win the conversation and lies by saying that she is not seeing him. Every time after a few months i get new proofs, confront her, and same result.

Once she started saying that she has NO REASON to cheat on my dad, he is a great man, she even told me that there are no sexual problems between them, but then she starts to try to convince me that little situations have led her to fall in love with another man (yes the last time i confronted her she admitted that she is in love with that other man, and btw he is married and have 2 daughters). I know that my dad is a great man, he always takes care of mom, he treats her very gently, never shouts, never nags, it is enough to know about my dad by knowing that he forgave her the first time he knew there is another man, and he trusted her again... Mom had made a mistake, and instead of correcting it the first time she was discovered, she continues to go deeper and deeper. All our life my sister and I had changed. The house is becoming hell. Every day we fight with mom even she ana dad are fighting, she is being unstable always sad, always tired, she feels like home is her prison, she wants to be elsewhere . We didnt tell our father anything about what we know. We had to lie at him sometimes when he doubted something is going wrong between us and mom since we fight a lot. We lie to protect their marriage hoping that mom will see that and try to change the situation.

Dad is starting to doubt and mention what happened 2 years ago (the texts i told him about the first time) my sister and I have been living in a lie since in front of dad we act very happy so he wont feel that something is wrong, but every time we talk to mom we fight a looooot. Mom is being hysterical, when she is upset she becomes uncontrollable, she hits herself sometimes on the head hardly. I am sure in the depth of her heart she is ashamed from what she had done and still doing, and she is hurting, she loves us and love dad, but she found pleasure in her clandestine affair and starts to convince herself that the life she has with dad isnt good and every time something normal happens between her and dad she makes it a big deal and makes my sister and i know the whole story in a dramatic way so we give her the right to cheat on dad or maybe understand that she is not doing anything wrong, but my sister and i are wise enough to understand every situation happening. We always tell her that there are wives living in hell with their husband but they stay loyal, they stay at least loving with their children, but you... you want to cheat, you want us to shut our mouth up, you want to make a mess at home by you useless arguments and fights every day to seem and feel oppressed and to convince yourself and your daughters that you have the right to have a lover. THIS IS BECOMING UNBEARABLE. We begged her to stop her adultery but she wont. I really cant believe my angelic mom who spent 20 years raising us the BEST way had changed so much, and believe me there is no reason except for little misunderstandings that happens between any married couple.

I am sorry for talking that much but i have a broken heart, i miss hugging my mom, i miss admiring her.... we talked to her 10 times but nothing had changed. And now my dad is not taking it anymore. Everyday she fights with him, and he is starting to believe that there is something wrong.

Please tell me what to do, tell me if there is a chance to make my mom end her relationship, tell me if i have to talk to her again and what to say since i said everything i can. Many times my sister and I tried to understand her and find a reason for her infidelity, many times we talked to her gently (while dying inside bcz we adore our father and are so sad that she is being unfaithful to him, and we have seen him always doing his best to make her happy) we also talked to her in a bit aggressive way, we threatened to leave the house if she carries on with this situation, we told her that we lost our idol since she was our idol, but she knows that we love her and dad so much and we are afraid to do anything that would hurt the family or lead to divorce. My mom is taking advantage of our silence and is not afraid that dad will discover her affair bcz at home she was being the nice wife (until few months now). She knows we will never tell dad again bcz after I told him the first time, i was so sad i hurt him a lot.

So let me finish by apologising for this huge text, feel free to tell me anything, i am looking forward for advices bcz our home is unlivable anymore, my sister and I dont trust mom anymore and this is killing us, we want to stop seeing her hurt (i know she is hurting inside) we want dad to stop questioning, and to get back the loving atmosphere at home. Would it be possible? What should I do?

Thank you in advance.

[Curry]

Hi PetitBateau

I am so sorry for your pain and having to grow up too fast. I send you a hug. Try and remember to pay attention to your life and your future if possible. You have a wonderful life full of love coming just for you.

My family has had the a similar experience to you except it was my husband who kept cheating and lying. He had such strange behavior and got aggressive and made everything in to a drama too. My daughters caught him boating with his girlfriend, he said they were seeing things. They cracked his code on his phone, he said he was trying to be polite and discourage the lady he was texting messages to about how he didn't know how to please her. He said it was his friend's girlfriend who left her bra in the car when he went on a business trip to Seattle. Their Dad denied everything and still does even after he moved out, and our relationship has ended. I confronted him constantly too.

He is still my girls Dad and loves to take care of them. He tries to take care of me as much as he can. He and I work well together talking about the children and about money. I guess I tell my girls that there is a clear choice for them - they can be angry or they can leave the strange behavior to their Dad and Mom and get on with their lives. If they look at the whole picture, their Dad cheating is only a small part of him. I don't think anyone could have kept him and I together - I think he just wasn't strong enough to face life and needed to act like a teenager with the drama and romance and secrets.

He left me because he said I was mean to him. I have stopped being part of the drama and don't argue anymore. It is nice. Do you have an aunt you can stay with for a while, someone to cook for you, take you shopping and hug you? You sound like a strong beautiful girl. Maybe one day, you can see your Mom isn't so strong and look for her good points. Don't let her drama become part of your life. Your Dad is an adult too. It is his job to figure out what to do and hopefully to help you too.

[PetitBateau]

Thank you Curry for your kind post. I am sorry for what happened with you, and your daughters. My mom is a great lady, i cannot forget the way she sacrificed her life to raise my sister and i, i cannot hate her for a mistake she is making, but in the same time, i cannot see her going in a very wrong road and do nothing... She is letting the ship of our family sink, while she used to be the captain of this ship...
Cooking, shopping, hugs... are very sweet acts daughters do with their moms, but are secondary for me in the time being, since trust, respect, and honesty are missing in my current relationship with mom. I want these essential feelings to exist again, and all secondary activities will come along. I know maybe you wanted to make it easy for me and I thank you. I am sorry your daughters lived the misery my sister and I are living, and knowing that people tend to deny infidelity even when caught by their children made me less shocked by my mom's denials, and the way she want us to bless her infidelity and understand her
Thank you for your reply! Hope your life will be better and better!

[Puglife]

I'm so sorry that you are put in the middle of this situation and are hurting.

Unfortunately, you can't fix your parent's marriage or change your mom's behavior. Honestly, at this point you need to stay out of it. Don't lie for your mom, but also stop checking up on her and trying to catch her in lies.

Not to condone your mom's behavior in any way, but being a "good" wife and mom can be fulfilling and wonderful but can also be draining. Sometimes when the kids are grown or almost grown the women realize that the life they have lived to that point is over and they want something more. Maybe it's a new career or independence. Obviously the way she is handling her mid life crisis is not appropriate. But hopefully she figures out quickly that she needs to end the affair or end the marriage.

Is it an option for your to move out and start your own life?

[Bill3]

I wonder if you would be able to see a counselor so as to be able to talk everything over.

[PetitBateau]

Thank you Puglife
I stopped trying to catch her a while ago, bcz it didnt make any change. You are right!
And in the country were i live, we stay in our parent's home until we get married since school and college are near the house.
Thank you

[avlady]

i would let your mom decide what she wants to do. she is probably going through a mid life crisis, you'll just have to step back and let her make her own decisions. if your dad doesn't want to put up with it, that is his decision. i don't think you should spy on your mom by looking at her phone either. i just think she got in over her head.hopefully this will end positively, your mom will realize she wants and needs your family more than this other guy, since especially he has a family of his own too. somethings got to give sooner or later.

[~Christina]

I'm sorry that your family id going through such a tough time,

But you need to just stop, don't check her phone , don't ask if she is doing XYZ .. really that is between your parents. Of course it's upsetting to you. But it is not your business or place to get in the middle of it.

I hope things can be worked out with your parents and if not, Life will go on , you'll grow up and start your own family.

Take care

[shortandcute]

I'm sorry that your family has been going through this rough time. I wish I had some great advice to give you, but I'm not sure what to tell you. I do think it's great that you want to help your family.

[RDMercer]

I wish I had some advice for you. This is heartbreaking. What a burden you are carrying.

[PetitBateau]

Originally Posted by RDMercer

I wish I had some advice for you. This is heartbreaking. What a burden you are carrying.

Thank You RDMercer for your compassion!