Stuck in the middle

My husband has a major anger issue and completly looses it from time to time, I love him very much but it seems we are growing apart. He has no value for his health when the most important thing in my life is my health. He lhas these anger fits full of screaming, yelling , hurtful name calling and even physical sometimes. I am finding myself full of anger and doing everything to calm myself before I outburst, latley I have been good at keeping my cool and examine the pain that is creating the anger but before I used to loose it after the right buttons were pushed. Now he is trying to stop smoking but sneaking them and lying about them daily when we have already discussed that he does not have to sneak or lie, that I will be patient and accepting that this is a difficutl addition to stop. he says he wants to stop but when another smoker comes near he talks about how much he loves it and never wants to stop. It bothers me that he even smokes, I am disgusted by the smell and health issues it creates. I don't want to live with a smoker. But this is a tiny issue compared to the anger he displays. I can't understand how or why he gets so explosive and hateful over such small things. How do I know when to end the relationship? The thought of living without him hurts and seems like a miserable lonely life. But the thought of living like this seems to dramatic and painful. I feel dammed if I don't and dammed if I do. We have been together for 8 years and married for 3. He is much older than me and is starting to slow down and become more grumpy, I expected the slowing down but not the negativity and rmeanness. I don't know if I could be fully happy with out him though or with him. We are so much alike and normal,y get along real good....we have a lot of fun together and both understand each other better than anyone else. I love him so deeply but am so tired of the emotional and physical pain. He has lied to me many times and has lost almost all my trust, I have nightmares of him cheating on me. I just don't know if it's worth it or not. I have been throught the best and worst times with him. He even lied to the cops and tried to put me in jail because his mom wanted me gone, then luckily I had video surveillance and showed the cops that I was running from him when he attacked me, and they locked him up. Is love worth staying with someone who would back stab me like this, lie to me over and over, possibly chest on me, and not care about the emotional pain and physical pain he creates. I still can't hear out of my left ear from him smacking me so hard. I know marriages have there problems but what is the line? He is trying to work on himself but still looses it and becomes scary as hell over such small miscommunications. I don't know what to do, I am right in the middle. He hasn't pyhiscally touched me for a few months, if I cower down and ball up in a ball he won't touch me. But if I push him away or touch him at all he looses it. I never thought I would love someone that would ever lay a finger on a woman in a bad way. He doesn't beat me like a punching bag, but he has thrown me to the ground, slapped me once when I slapped him. And has kicked me before. Still it's abusive wrong, and I don't like it.
Can you help me?

Sadly I cannot tell you how to fix the situation. I just wanted to let you know that I am going through almost the exact same situation. My boyfriend is much older than me also and has lied to me over and over about a ton of things. Him quitting smoking has also been a huge issue for me. He says that I am being controlling and it has caused him to lie. Im not really sure how to make the situation better i just take it day by day. I do love him so much and we continue to work on things. He has never put a hand on me before so that can be a tricky situation. I just want you to know your not alone and im always here to talk.

Welcome to Psych Central Brittany. Sorry to hear you have suffered abuse for so long. No one should have to go through that. You have said a wise thing about not touching him or pushing him. Those might be interpreted by him as threats. Stick to your strategy to protect yourself.

Even if you want to stay together and make the relationship work, having an abuse safety plan is strongly advised when you have experienced abuse in the past. Here are articles that may be helpful.
Psych Central - Search results for An abuse safety plan

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I try to get exercise - I also do yoga and other gentle stretching exercises and meditation to help me get started.

I hope this helps. I suggest you try to find a counselor who will help you to understand why love to you involves pushing, slapping, and screaming. Even if your husband won't go, you could go, to help you get a better idea of what a healthy life is really like.