Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Feb 22, 2015, 03:01 PM
Idktbh100 Idktbh100 is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5
I'm 20 years old and I live away from home and I feel like my mom is way too controlling. I get that she loves me and wants the best for me, but she does things like read through all of my text messages and always wants to know exactly what I'm doing online and see what websites I've been on when I'm at her house. And when she reads my texts, she'll get mad at me if there's something in them she doesn't approve of, even if it's just a stupid joke or a swear word. She also posts pictures of me (some from when I was a kid, some recently) on Facebook on a daily basis with similar captions each time (things like "I love my sweet baby girl!!! <3") even though I've told her I don't like having hundreds of pictures of me online multiple times.

She has always talked bad about any friends or boyfriends to me, as if she's trying to convince me that they aren't good for me. Not one of my friends has been good enough for her, even though she acts perfectly nice to them when they're around. Telling her about anything from a new friend to a new interest of mine makes me anxious because I know there's a good chance of her not liking what I have to say and not letting me hear the end of it. Is there anything I can do to improve things with her and set some boundaries? I want to have a relationship with her, but I don't want it to make me be on edge everytime I'm around her.
Thanks for this!
Bill3

advertisement
  #2  
Old Feb 23, 2015, 11:03 AM
toolman65 toolman65 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: ottawa
Posts: 182
Your mom seems to having a hard time accepting that you are an adult and not her "sweet baby girl" anymore. Looks like she is living her life though you. Does she have anything else going on in HER life?

Her wanting the best for you is natural, but this interfering with your choice of friends is going to undermine your self esteem.

What steps can you take to increase your privacy? Can you stop her from reading your texts?
Thanks for this!
healingme4me, Trippin2.0
  #3  
Old Feb 23, 2015, 09:04 PM
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 46,298
Setting boundaries, is a tough one, based upon this opening post. toolman65, asks an important question about anything else going on with her, in her own life. Plus, boundary recommendations get iffy, since some of the better reads out there, focus on personality disorders which can in many ways become unfair due to the labeling involved and the fact that such a label may, indeed, be false. Some can have similar traits without being disordered.
Boundaries oft come down to two people making compromises and being willing to work towards a solution, recognizing that the relationship isn't fully functioning, hence boundaries oft discussed with marriages and romantic relationships.
With parents, it's a whole other set of circumstances.

What can you do, to protect your desired privacy. As an adult, there's no reason for anyone to read texts, etc,. Without your permission.

How are you, expected to navigate your social independence and reach your own conclusions with biting, negative remarks?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk
  #4  
Old Feb 23, 2015, 10:29 PM
Anonymous37954
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
There is a difference between what people want and what you will allow.

She cannot see your texts or your internet history if you don't want her to. If you don't think you can stop her, then don't go online at her house.
You don't have to look at what she's posted on Facebook.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"--Eleanor Roosevelt.

Don't let her get to you.
Thanks for this!
Bill3
  #5  
Old Feb 24, 2015, 07:55 PM
Idktbh100 Idktbh100 is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5
Yeah, the main problem with that is when I tell her "no you can't look through my phone/computer" she accuses me of hiding something from her and gets upset. I just wish she understood that I do not have to share literally everything with her and prove that I'm not keeping a secret to have a good relationship with her.
  #6  
Old Feb 24, 2015, 10:10 PM
hvert's Avatar
hvert hvert is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 4,889
You aren't being too sensitive. That's pretty controlling/annoying behavior. Like others have suggested, I'd stop letting her read my messages or check my browsing history. If she starts ragging on your friends, cut her off: "Mom, please don't talk about my friends that way." Tell her that you will end the conversation and leave if she continues (and then do it if she does).

I would also be really annoyed with the photo posting on Facebook. Do you think she would stop if you blocked her?
  #7  
Old Feb 25, 2015, 12:13 AM
Idktbh100 Idktbh100 is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5
I think all that would do would upset her.
  #8  
Old Feb 25, 2015, 12:32 AM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,966
Quote:
Yeah, the main problem with that is when I tell her "no you can't look through my phone/computer" she accuses me of hiding something from her and gets upset.
You are allowing her to control your life if "she gets upset" means the end of whatever you might want to do.

Quote:
I think all that would do would upset her.
You are allowing her to control your life if "she gets upset" means the end of whatever you might want to do.

Quote:
Telling her about anything from a new friend to a new interest of mine makes me anxious because I know there's a good chance of her not liking what I have to say and not letting me hear the end of it.
Then don't tell her.

Quote:
Is there anything I can do to improve things with her and set some boundaries?
Yes. You will need to deal with her getting upset and stick to your guns.

Quote:
I want to have a relationship with her, but I don't want it to make me be on edge everytime I'm around her.
Unless you set some boundaries, the relationship will continue as it is now and you will continue to be on edge every time you are around her.

Quote:
prove that I'm not keeping a secret
You are an adult and you are allowed to have secrets (= privacy) from your mother. You do not have to prove anything to her.

Last edited by Bill3; Feb 25, 2015 at 12:53 AM.
  #9  
Old Feb 25, 2015, 04:07 AM
~Christina's Avatar
~Christina ~Christina is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
Community Liaison
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 22,450
First password protect your cell phone and laptops or any other device you have that she might be able to pick up,and if she does pick something up tell her to please put it down as it does not belong to her.

Sure she will get upset , but YOUR upset that your privacy is being invaded and rightfully so.

You should have a talk with her and explain that you are going to live your life and sure you will agree to hear out her opinion but in the end you are going to make your own decisions what your going to do and who is in your life.

I had to do this with my Mom years ago, wasn't easy but I felt so much better once it took place and I told her that she can certainly have an opinion but if she kept going on and on and not respect me that I would just get up and leave, and I had to do that about 10 times give or take, I remember driving away and bursting into tears , But I made my boundaries clear and stuck to them.

Sure she will be upset, But its your life and she will most likely get over it. If she starts to get on her Gently remind her of your stand on this , if she insists just leave... Don't back down. Months down the road things settled and we actually had a much better relationship due to my placement of healthy boundaries.
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~
Thanks for this!
Bill3, randman78
Reply
Views: 516

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:21 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.