Emphasis on my reaction and not issue at hand

Whenever there is an argument between husband and myself and it leads to some sort of confrontation but most of all a reaction from myself, he immediately steers from the actual issue / origin of the argument (or what caused it) and veers to my reaction instead.

Tonight, I had very just cause to become angry and upset at a comment he made. When I did, he said "Oh, I would have apologized but I just wanted to see your reaction!"

Am I just stupid or was that uncalled for?

It has been a long time coming that I feel I am not allowed to react or have a reaction to a situation we are in. He is very mentally strong and I feel he uses this against me all the time.

He hurt me so much tonight.

My reaction was justified and I walked away before it became an over-reaction (I am proud of that!!). But his justification of always being right hurts somewhat right now!

Sounds like mind games to me on his part.......................

(((((((((((((((( Sabrina )))))))))))))))

I definitely agree with Fuzzy! Sounds like mind games and it's getting awfully close to emotional abuse for me! Maybe you need to call his bluff and not react to things that trigger you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sabrina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I agree with both of you! I know!!!!! I have thought this myself for many years now. I just find myself in an emotional abyss and completely unable to NOT react! In other words, I have to work very hard on my own behaviour ............ and triggers ................ and feelings ................. and thoughts .................. and hurt ................ oh goodness - this isn't easy!

( I should not even mention that the comment he made was because I was watching American Idols ....)

I just thought of something ..... I have been with my husband for about 8 years now.

His mind games (which I strongly agree with) seem to stem from never wanting to be wrong (or even believing he can actually be wrong), but I don't feel (in my heart) that he is trying (or realising perhaps?) that this might be emotional abuse. ( Previous husband physically, mentally and emotionally abused me to a great extent) and he is good to me 99% of the time

Am I making sense?

You are making sense, and I agree with Fuzzy, Sabrina, and September.

sounds like hes playing with your head...naughty boy! (((((((((((((((hugs from me))))))))))))))))))

wow, that's pretty messed up. Maybe you should tell him that you know what he is doing, and that you're not going to give him the satisfaction...... Then don't. That should end the problem, and if he develops a new mind game, drop him like he's hot.

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greenpunkergirl said:
drop him like he's hot.

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Um, he is my husband! I am not about to drop him! But thanks anyway.

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Sabrina0805 said:
His mind games (which I strongly agree with)

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I didn't mean that I agree with his mind games but rather than I agree that he plays them!

Hi Sabrina, Have you ever tried just sitting him down and talking to him. Telling him how you feel. Or better yet, write it down on paper (a love letter if you wanna call it that). This seemed to help in my marriage. I would get emotional and i start crying when i am angry. So instead of confronting my hubby i use to write everything down and he would read them. This seemed to help. I am not very good at expressing my feelings - cos i get over emotional and things come out that i dont mean!!!

So give it a try - let us know.

Hi Lost - Yes, we talk about this - many times in fact. This was just one of those situations where he said something unkind and hurtful, without even thinking and I reacted immediately, even if I didn't over-react. If something like this happens again, (as mentioned by others in this thread), I am not going to give him the satisfaction of my reaction. As hard as that may be for me. Walking away is not one of my best attributes!
And the "love letters" - well, I have a box full of them. I often write to him when I feel I have no other alternative. I don't know if it has ever helped him, but writing about it has certainly helped me in some way.

Thanks for your kind response!

Its only a pleasure....

i cant believe some ppl would, intentionally or even unintentionally hurt the ones they love. do they get some sort of kick/power out of it. does it make them feel more a man/woman.

The question is – does he even realise he is hurting you – emotional hurt is worse than physical.

Bruises, broken bones, can all heal – but being emotionally abused – those wounds never heal!!!

Like my inlaws love to see me squirm, I usually spit something back – cos they want to see a “reaction” – I have also learnt how to breathe and count and walk away. Go to my bathroom and have a good cry….